I'm jealous of my friends with more than one child. I simply can't relate to them because I find that missing what I should have overshadows any possible feelings of happiness I could have for them. Now I've been taken to task for those feelings. I'm apparently allowed to have them...I just shouldn't express them. My blog has recently become a place where people feel free to tell me what they think I should write about...what I should think...what I should feel. A friend has even emailed me to tell me how disappointed she is in me.
Apparently my inability to smile and pretend that things are just peachy keen is offensive. I am apparently hurting my friends with more than one child by admitting that it hurts to be around them. I'm apparently a bitch for requesting an extra ounce of sensitivity from people in that they not send me smiling happy shiny family pictures with their Christmas cards. I'm additionally insensitive for not being able to contact people and instruct them on what kind of support I need to get through this. I should just be quiet and let people unintentionally hurt me...after all...they're happy...why should they have to change how they think or act?
Now I see why blogs become watered down...or stop altogether.
This is the honest truth. This is how I feel. If it hurts your feelings or you are otherwise upset with what I write, feel free to not read. I won't apologize for expressing how I feel. I'm trying to find my way to a new normal...a normal that I can't explain to you (if you don't understand it on your own). Deal with it.