"One of the things which danger does to you after a time is -, well, to kill emotion. I don't think I shall ever feel anything again except fear."
~Graham Greene - The Confidential Agent (1939)
Well here I am. Paralyzed with fear. My stomach hurts and my neck is tense...all the time. I find that I can't talk about being pregnant unless I'm outwardly happy and sugary sweet. But it's all an act.
I'm terrified to my very core. I spend time thinking about being pregnant and crying when nobody is watching.
I'm afraid to speak. If I say anything negative and something bad happens, I know the guilt I will feel. If I say anything positive and something bad happens, I know the disappointment I will feel. So I say nothing at all.
I joke about being in denial and try to dress it up as something funny or cute. But it's neither funny nor cute. It's well and truly sad. But what is left for me? I feel like I've gone ten rounds with fear and fear is kicking my ass. Fear has locked the door and left the two of us in a room all alone...and is kicking my ass.
My fear of losing this pregnancy (I can't even bring myself to say "baby" yet), is all mixed up with fear of losing people I love...and my own death. I had thought I was evolved beyond that. I had grown to accept that death is a part of life, as beautiful as birth. But I have to admit that I'm still afraid. Fear whispers in my ear, "What if it's not beautiful?"
I did a lot of thinking and preparing to get pregnant again. I waited until I thought I could handle the swirling emotions. I didn't have a freaking clue. Getting pregnant was easy. BEING pregnant...there just are no words.
You see, I never had a problem. I had a perfect pregnancy. I had a perfect little boy. And he died without ever taking a breath in this world.
So for me now, there is no peace in a perfect pregnancy. There is no peace in seeing or hearing a heartbeat. There is no peace in morning sickness or food cravings. There is only the fear. The fear that whispers in my ear, "You've been here before, what makes you think it will be different this time? Perfect only lasts so long."
I so desperately want to ignore the fear. But I'm just not strong enough. And there is nothing to take its place even if I could. I try my best to stay in the moment...the here and now. But that can only work for so long. Eventually I'm going to have to address the possibilities...all of them. But what happened to happiness and love and excitement and anticipation? Where did they go? Has fear really killed them?
(I know it's probably not healthy that I anthropomorphize fear and death and all things nasty in life...but it's the only way I have to describe their almost physical presence I feel in my life at the moment).