Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Green is not a pretty color on me

I'm jealous. I have admitted it more than once, but now it's really starting to bother me that I'm not normal. I can't bring myself to talk about potential baby names...or joke about how I feel physically...or contemplate how things have changed with each pregnancy. And I really can't listen to women who talk about how hard it is to deal with their children for one reason or another. I feel as though I could launch into a rant at any moment...hard? you want to know hard? try visiting your dead baby at a cemetery, buried under a foot of snow...then you'll know what hard IS.

I don't want to be the person in the crowd that is always bringing everyone else down. And I suppose I could pretend like it doesn't bother me when women around me talk about that stuff...but what would be the point of that? This is so lonely...so frightening.

There is nothing to hang on to here. There is nothing to guide me. Emily Post didn't write about this stuff.

So I'm polite and silent. NOW I understand "Silent Grief." You're allowed to feel it...just don't share it...keep silent.

There is great peace in the silence. I suppose that's a good thing.


Heather said...

(((((((HUGS))))))))) You are going to get through this.

R said...

You will never, never be the same. What you once thought was a given is no longer a given. And that blows. I feel the same way, if only in a different way. I have friends who are pregnant who don't have a care in the world. And it actually upsets me, you know?

I hear you.

I'm sorry, Catherine.


kate said...

Oh for heaven's sake, why on earth do you have such high expectations of yourself? There is nothing abnormal in anything that you are feeling. Abnormal for a subsequent pregnancy, that is. All of this is 'not normal', in the sense that what is 'normal' in our culture is to bring a live baby home. I am glad that is the norm, but it does leave those of us with a different experience...well, as you said, silent.

FWIW, Chloe did not have a name until 3 days before i was induced. I never spoke to any other pg woman if i could possibly avoid it. Pg women *bothered* me, even though i was pg, often more than they had done before i was pg. I was polite but cold when strangers asked about my pg, after i was too far along to hide being pg anymore. If they asked further (oh is this your first blah blah), i would bring up my DEAD BABY so that they would shut up.

I strongly strongly suggest that you find yourself a subsequent pregnancy support board -- even if you just lurk and don't interact. (I was on the sub pg board at MISS) That way, you will feel less alone, silent, and abnormal. Because you are NOT.

Julie said...

You're right, it is lonely and frightening, and damn unfair. Why can't we have that worry-free bliss back again?
You don't need to be silent, let it out here or on a sub. board. And I like what your friend wrote in the next post.

Kathi said...

I'm sorry that you feel alone, and I'm even more sorry that you feel that you must keep silent. I think your point of view and all that you've been through insists that NOT be silent.

Sometimes the hardest things to keep saying are the things that need to be heard the most.

Love you...