Sunday, February 12, 2006

This weekend was weird

It was a relatively normal weekend. I would even venture to say that it was good.

Yesterday morning was a Paws 4 A Cause meeting. P4AC is a yearly race/walk that is also a fundraiser for the Public Animal Welfare Society (PAWS). I'm "chairperson" of the donation committee this year and after our meeting I'm VERY excited. We have some great things donated for our Chinese Auction/Raffle already, and the event isn't even until Mother's Day. They raised $1800 last year. I want to exceed that. My ultimate goal is to break the $2500 mark. Mother's Day is going to sort of suck this year, so it gives me something positive to focus on.

After I got home from my meeting, Steve, Sam and I spent some time at Lowe's, ordering our new water heater and dishwasher. I can not explain the anticipation these purchases bring. We have lived in this house for almost five years, and in that time I have had only a handful of actually hot showers. And the dishes have become progressively dirtier coming out of the dishwasher over the past year (hey, it's a 1970-something's done it's tour for king and country). We also bought some paneling for our bathroom remodel that has been five years in progress. It seems we get one thing done per year, and this year is wall covering. I'm hoping that next year will be a tub and tile recovering.

Today we watched some television (neither Steve nor I were all that impressed with Sideways) and spent about an hour outside in the snow with Sam and his new sled (no pictures, sorry). We had a good time...full of laughs...but I have learned that I am not as young as I used to's HARD getting up and down when you're wearing all that snow gear.

All weekend, in the back of my mind, I've been thinking about how it's been nine months since Alex was stillborn. We visited the cemetery yesterday, but didn't manage any flowers because I'm not going to pay inflated Valentine's day prices for flowers that I'm taking to a cemetery. Anyway...more toward the front of my mind, I've been thinking how I'm not so broken anymore. I was anticipating the big breakdown and I really surprised myself when I realized I wasn't going to have one. I miss Alex with an ache that I can't describe to someone who hasn't "been there." But I'm not paralyzed with it anymore.

There are still things I wrestle with. Like listening to the radio yesterday and hearing Brad Paisley sing, ...It's funny when think about the reason he's alive...Is all because two people fell in love. So what's the reason he's NOT alive? Is it because we didn't love enough? ...Yea there ain't nothing not affected...When two hearts get connected...All that is will be or ever was...Every single choice we make...Every breath we get to take...Is all because two people fell in love. All those things Alex will never get to do. And what ripples has his absence created? Is there someone who will not find love because he is not here? Who was his intended love of a lifetime? What other courses of life have been changed?

I can think about this without it ripping my heart to shreds. Time heals...blah, blah, blah.

There is no point to this post. I'm finding it more and more difficult to harmonize my thoughts into something cohesive. I was like this when I was pregnant with both Alex and I guess that's good news for this pregnancy. And we shall not speak of my almost crashing the minivan by driving through a stop sign at a crowded four way stop...because I was talking and not paying my full attention to the task of driving. While such stupidity is an indication that there is really still something going on in the old ute, it does not bode well for my physical safety over the next seven months or so. And it also clearly indicates that my brain cells are not functioning on full power, making blogging an arduous task some days. I'll do my best, but I'm not promising anything.


Sherry said...

*hugs* Catherine. I was happy to read this post, to see that some of the pain is leveling out some for you. I can't understand the place you have been or the place you are moving into now, but I just hope there is more happiness than pain in this new spot. I am sure you have great emotions over this new pregnancy.......... but I will tell you that I am jumping for joy for you and wishing you are taking photos of your belly as the baby grows, and all those great, albiet naive(not the right word? I guess more of that feeling before you lost a son - that 'free' feeling to just enjoy the pregnancy), things you should be doing.

gabesmama said...

Wait a second. I know I've been offline, but when did you announce your pregnancy? I've been digging through your posts and can't find it. Shit I have to know how far along you are? CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!! The funny thing is that as I've been reading your posts, I kept thinking she must be pregnant. I'm am totally serious you must tell me how far along you are--I can't believe I have missed it. I am so happy for you. You summarize my own feelings so well that I know how much I will get out of reading your posts and learng about your thoughts as this pregnancy moves along. As for the song, I can't take the having a baby changes everything commercial, which we all hate, but I saw it again last night and I always want to scream.