Sunday, January 08, 2006

Self Conscious

If ever there was a time when I was self conscious about this blog, it is now. I never worried about what people would think when I started it, it was for friends and family who knew me outside of the blogosphere. Then this big thing happened in our lives...we lost our baby. I made new friends...friends who could understand what I was thinking and feeling. But even as that was happening, I never worried about what I was writing. Perhaps I was so involved in my grief that it didn't matter to me what people thought. Well, that's not entirely true. I have censored some thoughts in an effort to maintain some sense of peace in my family. It wasn't that big of a deal and it certainly didn't stop me from dealing with the subjects I needed to deal with.

But here I am now...finding my way to a new normal. I have cried so many tears writing so many entries that I almost don't know how to write the entries that make me smile or laugh anymore. But they are there. They are starting to show up at the oddest times. And I find myself wanting to share those too. But for some reason, I'm self conscious about it. I'm almost afraid that if people see me smile and laugh, even in the virtual sense, they will think I'm "cured"..."all better"..."healed."

In some sense of the word, I am healed. No...I'm healing...in the process...not completely healed...big difference. I no longer feel like a huge gaping wound has been torn in my heart. I don't even cry every day anymore. So yes, I'm healing. But a long road still remains...one that I'm sure I'm not capable of walking alone. But I'm finding it difficult to strike the balance between "better" and still needing love and support. What do I say? How do I behave so that I won't have to explain all this to people in order to get what I need?

I am self conscious about every word I write because I want people to understand where I am...who I am now. I want the freedom to have some fun...and the freedom to cry when I need to. And I know there's nothing that says I can't have it here in my space. But I've been watching several bloggers leave the blogosphere lately for a variety of reasons and I wonder if I'm holding on to my own blog too tightly. What do I get from it?

I'm not one of those people that has a single direction. I'm not devoted to one single topic. Never have been. Call it lack of focus if you like, but I choose to call it being a well-rounded person. So what's my blog about? Me. All of me. Warts and all. Save for the parts that I will keep censoring in the interest of family peace. Forget self conscious. I'm going to engage in some self indulgent rambling as long as the internet will have me. I hope

3 comments:

deadbabymama said...

I think I understand where you are at, and I think other regulars here will too. I know that there is a lot of sadness and uncertainty around healing but from where I'm at it is really good to see you healing and knowing it, embracing it even. Warts and all you look pretty damned good!

Sarah said...

I think its good to write about where ever you are, emotionally speaking. Don't feel like you can't express happy/silliness. Honesty seems like the best policy.

msfitzita said...

I haven't left, and I like reading anything and everything you write, good, bad, ugly, sad, happy - whatever. I don't think you need to censor a thing. I know what you mean about worrying that people will think you're all better, but this is a process, as they can see from reading not just one entry, but several months' worth. There are good days, bad days, hopeful days and days that getting out of bed ends up proving to be the worst decision in the world. I think people understand that. I hope so, anyway.

Keep writing. Please!