There are times when I catch myself looking at Sam and thinking how drastically our lives have been changed forever...while at the same time thinking how not much has changed at all. It can be, at times, as though Alex never existed. We lost hopes and dreams but really we didn't lose that much of an actual part of our lives. How can someone who's loss I mourn every single day not really have existed?
All around me I find reasons to be bitter. People who are so hopeful. People who are so happy. People who are able to put the past behind them and move forward after something bad happens to them. A part of me wants to rain all over their parade...to tell them not to count their chickens before they're hatched...nothing is guaranteed. A part of me wants to tell them to shut up and feel miserable for a even a fraction of a second...or in some cases to maybe remember what it's like to be miserable. And then I realize what I sound like and I bite my tongue and ponder what is wrong with me.
I don't want anyone to look forward. But I think that's just me. I don't want to look forward. I don't really want to look back because that's too painful. But I don't want to look forward either...that's too scary. I'm stuck in bitterness land and it's not a fun place to be. But then again, if I only lost hopes and dreams, why am I so damn bitter? Why can't I feel the normal emotions you're supposed to feel for people who have found hope and happiness and healing?