Tuesday, January 24, 2006

I try not to be bitter

There are times when I catch myself looking at Sam and thinking how drastically our lives have been changed forever...while at the same time thinking how not much has changed at all. It can be, at times, as though Alex never existed. We lost hopes and dreams but really we didn't lose that much of an actual part of our lives. How can someone who's loss I mourn every single day not really have existed?

All around me I find reasons to be bitter. People who are so hopeful. People who are so happy. People who are able to put the past behind them and move forward after something bad happens to them. A part of me wants to rain all over their parade...to tell them not to count their chickens before they're hatched...nothing is guaranteed. A part of me wants to tell them to shut up and feel miserable for a even a fraction of a second...or in some cases to maybe remember what it's like to be miserable. And then I realize what I sound like and I bite my tongue and ponder what is wrong with me.

I don't want anyone to look forward. But I think that's just me. I don't want to look forward. I don't really want to look back because that's too painful. But I don't want to look forward either...that's too scary. I'm stuck in bitterness land and it's not a fun place to be. But then again, if I only lost hopes and dreams, why am I so damn bitter? Why can't I feel the normal emotions you're supposed to feel for people who have found hope and happiness and healing?


Jill said...

...if I only lost hopes and dreams, why am I so damn bitter?...

Like you say, no one is gauranteed a tomorrow, so that is all any of us have really - hopes and dreams. If you lose hope, if you lose all the dreams of the tomorrows, then you have lost as much as you possibly can lose of the future.

I suppose then, because it is all so liquid and theoretical, once you have really allowed yourself to mourn the loss of the future, you then have the ability to build new hopes and dreams.

The present is our only gaurantee. And it is gone in an instant. So every nanosecond you spend in your bitter place, becomes the past immediately and it gets you closer to being able to rebuild. And maybe if you don't really notice it happening, it won't feel so frightening.

I mean, this is all half baked conceptual stuff to me when it comes to explaining it, but it makes sense to me. It's just something else to add to your thoughts:)

Sherry said...

Catherine, you lost a son who was growing inside of you, who had a name, a bedroom, a big brother waiting for him. You have the right to be bitter, and angry, and sad, and hurt, and anything else you want to feel. I just hope in time the bitterness doesn't over-come you, but you get past that. And feel what? I don't know.

kate said...

It takes time, hon. I don't mean to sound condescending, so don't take it that way. Bitterness and anger are all part and parcel of this rotten experience, and in some way they will always be with you. They'll resurface on the bad days. Like Sherry says, though, eventually the bitterness is balanced out, and you get past it -- meaning not that it doesn't exist but that you feel the other stuff too, on a regular basis and you feel it honestly. Or, you hold on to your bitterness, let it poison all your life and all your relationships -- in effect, you become my mother. So, don't do that ;)

cat said...

Agreed you lost so much more than hopes and dreams. You lost those too but the depth of this loss is intense and it seems pretty normal to feel stuck in this place.

I felt this as well and sometimes even do now when I have no reason to anymore. I'm bitter at others ease others naive hope. I think it's unavoidable and you are really totally normal for feeling this way.

Thinking of you. *hug*

Julian's Mom said...

I can relate. Then on some days, every once and a while, a ray of sunshine seems to peak through the clouds. If I'm open to it, I can catch myself thinking, "Maybe that's Julian," or "Maybe this is a reminder to be happy for what I have." But most days, I want to strangle anyone naive enough to have such romantic notions about life! I am worried that I will still hate everyone, even after my SPALS baby is born, because I still won't feel like them or like I'm "one of them." Sounds like that's where you are--how do you reconcile that? You don't have to answer that, because I'm not sure there's an answer, but I find myself thinking about it a lot in anticipation of the future, that I hope I get to have.

runelady said...

You didn't just lose hopes and dreams and therein, my darling daughter, is why you're so bitter. You lost a human. You lost the chance to watch him grow and become a man - to carry on part of you into the future. That's a harsh loss. That's destruction of the most painful kind. That's a loss that will never leave you. The pain will ease some but it will never completely go away. You have a right to be bitter. You have a right to wonder why you. You have a right but this knowledge will not ease your pain or bitterness. You fear the future - well all do. Some of us simply don't voice our fears as you have. I strongly believe your voice on this board has given you a strength I never knew you had. I am proud of you, dear daughter. We will forever mourn the loss of Alex. We all will forever wonder what he could have been capable of. It's a moment that visits all of us and the pain refreshes anew. Bless you daughter, and I love you.