Monday, November 12, 2007


You have to learn to pace yourself
You're just like everybody else
You've only had to run so far
So good
But you will come to a place
Where the only thing you feel
Are loaded guns in your face
And you'll have to deal with

Everyone is so kind.



And I feel like my head is going to explode. I'm back in that place where all the responsibility is mine. And it is a heavy burden. I don't want to let everyone down again but I have no real influence on the outcome.

I have a feeling like I should be able to DO something when there is nothing to be done. I know that it was during these two weeks when Alex was dying inside of me and I didn't know. I know that I don't know what is going on inside of me today.

People are waiting for Myles. So am I.
People are hoping for the best. So am I.
People have made an emotional investment. So have I.
Nobody can do a damn thing about any of it...

...neither can I.

I'm no different than anyone else in this. And despite everyone's positivity and kindness, there are no foregone conclusions but this one...if I fail, the fault (times three) will be mine...and my family will once again be sucked into that black hole of grief and disappointment.

Rather than feeling supported by the people who mean so much, I feel isolated and alone. Expectations are hard to live up to when you do have control or influence, never mind when you are being randomly blown about by the winds of the universe. I hope I land in the right place. I hope we all do. There is nothing for me to do but hope.

I don't want to sound ungrateful. I am incredibly grateful for all the love and support I am being given. It is just that the pendulum takes that momentum and swings to the fear side with just as much force...leaving me unsure how to process it all.


Shinny said...

You do know that whatever happens no one is throwing blame your way. We are here if you need a shoulder and we are here to cheer and cry with joy when that baby boy bellows at you all night long. I can't even imagine the thoughts that go through your head every minute of every day.
Just know that I am here for you if or when you need me. Pretend I am the wall that you need to lean on every once in a while when you get a little tired. I won't push back but am there to support you. Ok, I probably will push back, can't help myself. ;) Love ya my dear friend and can't wait for this time of unknowing to be over for you and to see your beautiful little boy.

Rosepetal said...

When I was waiting for my amnio results for A. I felt like no-one could openly acknowledge the possibility that it would end in the worst scenario, so I had to face it that scenario on my own.

I really hope you understand what I mean when I say that I acknowledge that there is still a chance that the best may not happen for you and Myles. What I mean is that you're not alone in that fear and you don't have to face it alone. I'm with you facing the fear, up to the line with you.

I am hoping for the best as it is all I can do, and I feel that logically / scientifically / whatever, you have a plan which takes into account what happened to Alex and this plan is early delivery.

Many hugs Catherine. You're in my thoughts as you face these last weeks - not alone.

Marcia said...

OH, Catherine! How I wish there were some way I could just reach out and lift this whole burden of "responsibility" from your shoulders for the next twelve days! I just pray that when that pendulum forces you into the depths of that "alone" spot, that you will somehow be able to sense how much others simply love you for who you are, no expectations. And the assurance of that love, no matter what, will give you the courage to somehow begin to displace the fear, and hope some more. Surely there are all kinds of anticipations and expectations among all of those who know you closely, and care for you from afar. But those hopes and expectations are for you to be able to know the joy of, once again, holding a healthy, squirming, hungry and screaming baby boy in your arms...not expectations of your "performance" in accomplishing that outcome! I know that you know that, somewhere deep inside...but the emotions are just so very powerful! Yes, you are in a position where you have done everything humanly possible for you to do for Myles and yourself in this pregnancy...and, indeed, there is nothing more you can do but hope. But hope is not a last resort, Catherine! It is a powerful force in our lives. Hope is the most wonderful thing you can do for Myles right now. Cling to that hope, now, as all of us who read and comment here are doing with you! Much love to you!

pipsylou said...

What Marcia said. Is there really anything more to say? And now it's 11 days, not 12.

Sarah said...

You are doing everything you can for Myles... If there was anything else you could do you would do it w/o asking any questions... There are no guarentees at any point. Time will pull you forward and these next 11 days will pass, even if you shut your eyes and cover your ears and curl up in a mental ball...

Beruriah said...

I wish I knew something reassuring to write. It's just not feasible to think you could be anything but scared in the coming days.

You are doing everything possible to bring Myles home safely. I'd like to fast-forward these weeks for you (and, well, me too if I'm being honest). Just 11 more days.

Aurelia said...

Whatever happens, you can't believe it's your fault or to your credit even. You may love this baby, but until you go through med school, and can prescribe drugs and figure out how to do your own c-section, there is a certain other bunch of people who are in charge.

I have no expectations at this point, for either one of us. We follow doctors orders and hope they know what the heck they are doing.

I keep saying it, but if the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting the same result, then the differences in treatment just might change something. The heparin shots are different. The shots to mature the lungs early are different. The early delivery is different.

And hon, you aren't alone. I'm there, right with you, whether you can see me or not.

Julia said...

Like everyone else, I am not assuming anything. Holding my breath, pretty much describes it.
I understand the pendulum, I understand this fear. My OB even told me he would very much expect to see it for my "next time."
It is understandable, too, that you are replaying Alex's last weeks in your mind again. If that is a big thing now (and I can definitely see that it would be), do you think asking your doctor for a profilactic prescription for antibiotics may help? They cross the placenta, so in case there is anything brewing, you might be able to kill it off. The worst side effect might be that Myles will take a while longer to establish his intestinal flora, once he is born. But you can deal with that (bacterial supplements are great for that-- we had to do that with Monkey), and taking antibiotics now may give you a little more of a peace of mind. Ok, assvice all finished. As usual, feel free to disregard.