You have to learn to pace yourself
You're just like everybody else
You've only had to run so far
But you will come to a place
Where the only thing you feel
Are loaded guns in your face
And you'll have to deal with
Everyone is so kind.
And I feel like my head is going to explode. I'm back in that place where all the responsibility is mine. And it is a heavy burden. I don't want to let everyone down again but I have no real influence on the outcome.
I have a feeling like I should be able to DO something when there is nothing to be done. I know that it was during these two weeks when Alex was dying inside of me and I didn't know. I know that I don't know what is going on inside of me today.
People are waiting for Myles. So am I.
People are hoping for the best. So am I.
People have made an emotional investment. So have I.
Nobody can do a damn thing about any of it...
...neither can I.
I'm no different than anyone else in this. And despite everyone's positivity and kindness, there are no foregone conclusions but this one...if I fail, the fault (times three) will be mine...and my family will once again be sucked into that black hole of grief and disappointment.
Rather than feeling supported by the people who mean so much, I feel isolated and alone. Expectations are hard to live up to when you do have control or influence, never mind when you are being randomly blown about by the winds of the universe. I hope I land in the right place. I hope we all do. There is nothing for me to do but hope.
I don't want to sound ungrateful. I am incredibly grateful for all the love and support I am being given. It is just that the pendulum takes that momentum and swings to the fear side with just as much force...leaving me unsure how to process it all.