Friday, November 23, 2007

Not without my baby

I'm living in a bad made-for-tv movie.

Prematurity.
"Questionable" lung development (turned out to be nothing...grrr!)
"Questionable" weight loss (if you're not feeding him anything...DUH!)
"Questionable" billirubin levels (again...gotta FEED him!)

I've done it before. I'm not doing it again. I am NOT leaving this hospital without my baby in my arms.

Another day. Again. Only now I can be discharged. So even though I'm not leaving without him (insurance will pay for one last day so I'm taking it), there is some disappointment and guilt.

My body is generally a failure at the pregnancy thing. And it is apparently not interested in compensating for that shortfall by making any grand post-partum achievements. So, Myles is held hostage while I talk to my boobs and try to convince them to produce enough milk to sustain him. And I try to make people understand why I feel so strongly about this (without creating the impression that I am just a weepy hormonal mess...or a complete bitch).

This motherhood after loss thing...it ain't for the weak.

2 comments:

Carole said...

Thinking of you...and holding you and Myles close in my thoughts. Of course you don't want to leave without your baby. Don't worry what they think about you. Stand your ground. You have every right to feel the way you do.
~Carole

Marcia said...

Hi Catherine :)
For some reason I scrolled down and found these two posts that you had written before coming home with Myles, and apparently had decided to wait until now to publish them. I hope that some of the understandably raw emotions of those first few days are beginning to level out as the reality of Myles' living and breathing presence in your home and family slowly begins to penetrate your whole being!:) I sincerely hope that the nursing is going well, now, and you will find out that the little honey has gained some ounces when you take him in for a weight check today.
My deeper hope and prayer for you is, as your emotions continue to heal and you become stronger in every way in the time ahead, that you will begin to not view yourself as a failure in any way. Please understand, I am not trying to minimize that gut level response to all you have endured!!! There is probably not a handful of women on the face of this earth that would not feel that same way about themselves, in a situation similar to yours. On the other hand, I doubt that there is, anywhere, more than a handful of women, when coming alongside another woman with your experiences in child-bearing, who would hold that woman in any way responsible for the tragedy that befell her! We are so very prone to think that, somehow, we should be able to control the uncontrollable in our own lives, yet fully realize that others have no control over the same things in their lives. Catherine, I am sure you probably cringe when people call you courageous for going through this pregnancy, when you were quite literally terrified the entire time. But you did everything you did for all of those months for the sake of one unborn Myles Fisher. Catherine, that is one AWESOME mother, and I applaud you!