Saturday, April 14, 2007

Only child

He carries his dumptruck/digger out to his sandbox by himself.

All alone, he lifts the lid and moves the cars around in the sand.

I can see him from the living room window and I ache with the unfairness of it all.

People think they know who I should be...how I should feel...how tragedy should shape my character and my life.

But what of this? what of him?

He is an only child not by anyone's choice.

No matter what happens to me...my feelings...my character or my life...

We can only be so much for him.

He will be alone.

8 comments:

Stephanie said...

There is so much tragedy in the loss of your beautiful baby boys - tragedy that extends beyond you, beyond Steve. I'm so sorry for that.

Jill said...

It's true, Sam is missing a lot. What remains for him is also a lot. And as is the way with kids, we feel their pain more keenly than they do themselves. When he is a father himself, he will think back on a childhood without his brothers and still remember all the good things you gave him.

And he won't be alone. He will be compassionate and strong as he carries Alex and Travis in his heart. And maybe those two little boys will have given him the most amazing gift of never taking anything for granted.

I guess only time will tell Catherine, but I know you have given him more than the heartache you think you have.

DD said...

We will always want something more for our children, even if that "more" is impossible (like bringing your two other sons back to you).

When you say you can only be so much for him? You must know that to him, his Mom and Dad are everything.

Bronwyn said...

Sam will carry Alex and Travis around with him, just as you do, but he will not be alone! He has you and Steve, for a start -- which is not always a given in a family. What he needs most is loving parents, and he couldn't have asked for more caring and devoted parents that you two.

Only children are not doomed to unhappy lives! From what I've seen, they are often stronger, more independent and interestingly more sensitive and compassionate than their siblinged couterparts. I've been asking around about this subject lately, because it has occurred to me that if we adopt, we may only have the time, funds and emotional energy to adopt a single child. And every (now adult) single child I've questioned has said that they never really thought about it growing up. They were happy and they had friends and sometimes cousins to play with. The only tragic case I heard was from my god-mother who grew up with very distant parents who never showed her much love. To this day (and she's in her 80s) she carries the hurt and rejection that she felt by their coldness.

And who's to say that you might not chose to adopt or foster a child in a few years. If having more children is something you really want to do, there are ways to make that happen.

Sorry for the long comment -- this subject has been on my mind, too, lately!

Artblog said...

YUP!

I hope what Bronwyn wrote turns out to be true, it would be nice to know there are many more advantages to an only child then what we fret about for them!

But I agree that love, and lots of it, is the only real concrete advantage they have as an only child, and I'm sure you give him loads of that, so maybe that will be enough :)

Connie Reagan said...

I'm an only child. Yes, there are disadvantages but we don't usually notice them-and there are some distinct advantages.

You have had so much grief-but this is one thing that I don't think you have to add to it, as far as your boy is concerned. If he is like me, he won't miss what he doesn't have. You on the other hand know exactly what he doesn't have, and therein lies the pain.

Brenda said...

Sam has you and Steve. And that is very important. Children cope much better than us adults do.

Hugs
xxx

Julia said...

It's not him being the only child that is eating you, I think. It's that "it's not by anyone's choice."

This is the same thing that I can see so very painfully when we hang out with friends. Most of them have more than one kid, but somehow before I didn't mind. I am now acutely aware that Monkey looks like an only child. I asked my husband yesterday, and it turns out that it bothers him too.

I am so very sorry.