Friday, April 13, 2007

Friday the 13th miscellaneous thoughts

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Steve and I were married on August 13th, so I'm not too afraid of Friday the 13th. As Steve said last night, "What's it gonna do, bring us bad luck?" I love that man!
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I haven't felt much like writing this week because I've been PMSing. Too much information? Too bad. See? Attitude...doesn't make for interesting blog posts.

In fact, this blog makes me sound very angry when I'm actually not. I'm mostly sad. I use anger to fight off the sad. I can use righteous indignation to feel a sense of control. But really it's just sadness.

I've lost track of all the things that make me cry. I should make a list. Maybe next week.

Part of me wishes I could be the crusader. Part of me wants to make things better. But my heart is too raw to risk deliberately exposing it to those who would be callous or critical. So I hide and weep. I wonder if I will ever be strong...committed...focused. Those stories of hope...those will never be about me. I hide and weep.
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I highly recommend the Home & Garden Party Cherry Lemonade scented candle. Everyone at the office likes it. Very springy.
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Sometimes there is nobody to blame.
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Other people hurt too...in ways that I hope I will never know. It's not all about me. My grief gives me no special righteousness.
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Judgment is all around us. Even from those you think would never judge. Even from me. There are times I roll my eyes and say or think, "You have got to be kidding me." And even as I judge, I know they judge me. C'est la vie. Neither of us are right.
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Every day I kiss my husband and my son goodbye for the day as they leave for work/daycare. Then I walk past the pictures of Alex and Travis and tell them, "I'm sorry." Then I do my hair and makeup and go to work. It's all wrong.
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My friends don't want me to forget. But they do want me to be able to feel joy and happiness on their own...without any accompanying pain and sadness. I want that too.
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My hives are slowly resolving themselves. Geez, PMS, hives, snow...what a crappy week.
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My sister and her husband are going to the Galapagos Islands for a vacation. I hope they have a wonderful trip...that it is the amazing adventure they have dreamed it will be. They will be gone on their wedding anniversary and I feel kind of lame sending them an anniversary card for some reason.
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It seems the only blessing I have left to my name is not knowing what we could have been...what we should have been...
Keith Urban - You'll Think of Me
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I'm in the mood for a new blog template.
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2 comments:

niobe said...

"I use anger to fight off the sad."

Me? I use sad to fight off the anger. Hey, we're mirror images!

Oh wait, that's not a good thing.

Connie Reagan said...

You have the same wedding anniversary as my husband and I!

(Good thing we aren't superstitious!)