Monday, July 23, 2007

Allow me to be clear (again)

When I posted my original thoughts on God a couple days ago, I was only explaining what I have come to learn about my own visceral reaction to the words "God has a plan" or "it wasn't meant to be." It was, in no way, intended to be a blanket statement/philosophy for anyone to "buy into." This blog is not about guiding anyone else...or telling anyone what is right or wrong. It is only about recording MY thoughts (on anything and everything).

Personally, I get very angry when I hear those words...almost to the point of physical illness. It has taken me a long time to figure out (for myself) exactly WHY I have that reaction. Perhaps I do over-analyze. I know that I am losing friends over my reactions (a fact that I recognize and fully accept responsibility for). But I also recognize that I cannot control my reactions unless/until I understand where they come from...what causes them. That was all I was trying to get out my own words...for myself.

If you believe that God has a plan...that's great for you. I hope that your faith brings you the peace that seems so elusive to me. This is one thing I'm having a hard time with. So let me be self-indulgent a little bit and work through it on my own.

I would like to publicly apologize to anyone I have offended. I'm sorry.


MB said...

Personally, I agreed with what you said. It made sense to me. I don't think there was any need to apologize.

But, that's just me.

Shinny said...

Last time I checked, this was YOUR blog and I think you have made it clear as day that what you write here is YOUR opinion and not the end all of advice for the world to follow, right?
You don't have to apologize to anyone, they don't have to read if they don't like it.

Art said...

Thank you :o)

Athena said...

well said...

pipsylou said...

Catherine -
If we read your blog we waive the right to complain to you about being offended. Just as you waive that right when you read ours. I find it interesting that though we have such different beliefs we are still friends. Scott and I were talking about faith/belief and how interesting it is that EACH person's faith/belief experience is shaped by his own life experiences. So for me to sit here and tell you that you must believe the way I do is silly. Of course I want you to find peace. But the path to peace for Catherine is yours alone.

hugs to you.

I have not buried 2 of my unborn children. Even if I had, my experience would have been completely different from yours. So, our faith/peace experiences would have been different, too.

Also, I don't think you needed to apologize. Just shows what a wonderul person you are.

If my faith is so flimsy that when I hear dissenting/different opinions I fold in on myself and freak out, how much faith do I really have?

Aurelia said...

This is a hard one Catherine. You know I don't believe that God had a reason for any of the bad stuff, but there are moments when I can't quite figure out why this all happens.

I'm more into assuming that people let us down, and they are the ones who screw up. You know, stupid people, evil people who don't know what they are doing and make bad choices at our expense.

Catherine, you haven't lost me as a friend, and you won't, but honestly, I worry that you are so focused on getting angry at God and maybe that anger is misdirected.

Maybe there are human beings (like Doctors or nurses) who should stand up and take the blame for your sons' deaths. I know it's not your fault, even though us bereaved moms sometimes feel that way. Maybe it is an accident, but that begs the question, are there really any accidents, or is it just carelessness by the medical profession?

I'm not sure, but I hope you find some peace.

Elizabeth said...

I am one of the ones who believes God has a reason. But, I have no idea why God took my first son. I question Him all the time. I have been taught all about God's will. I still question Him. Why did He take my son, but he lets other people have healthy children knowing they will hurt them?

It also makes me mad when people say "God has a reason" or "it was for the best." I even had one person tell me if was "for the best," becuase my son may have grown up to have a handicap. I wanted to ask her if that meant all handicap people aren't suppose to be alive. That statement make me more upset then any of the others I have gotten.

I have one friend who just had healthy twins. I can't talk to her now. She keeps talking about how hard she has it having two babies at home and how the rest of us just don't understand. I would do anything to understand. My sons would have been 11 months apart - #1 would finally come home from the hospital just a few months before #2 was born. Why does she get to have 2 healthy babies? What makes her more qualified to have 2 babies?

Anyway, it is your blog and I enjoy reading your feelings. They make me (with my wacky grief emotions) feel more normal. (wait - did that come out right? you are normal and you make me feel normal.)

Tricia said...

Delurking after almost a year of reading...

I want to thank you. Thank you for being honest with your emotions/reactions, despite what others may feel. Because of your honesty, I have felt a little less alone.

My first son was born silently in 2004. Grieving mothers will not all respond or feel the same but knowing how others feels does help for me to interpret my own reactions/emotions.

Just my two cents...I have the same physical reaction to this statement. Call it misdirected it whatever you want...I still feel that response too.

Thank you. Thank you for allowing us to be a part of your life...the good, the bad and yes even the ugly.

With much respect,

Brenda said...

You have not ONE thing to apologize for. This is YOUR blog and if someone gets offended by what you say, they need to stop reading. We blog for ourselves, not others.

Huge hugs

msfitzita said...

I don't think you have anything to apologize for either. I'm one of the "there must be a reason/plan" types, but only because it's soothes me to believe that Thomas' life played out exactly as it was supposed to - that his death wasn't some random act or accident that wasn't meant to happen the way it did.

But that's what works for ME. I don't - and never have - expected that line of thinking to work for anyone else. It doesn't work for my husband. And that's fine. Good God, we're allowed to think different thoughts and believe different things. And if we're not hurting anyone by doing so, we have nothing to apologize for. Nothing at all.

I love reading your thoughts on your struggles because I have them too. Epic battles with God. It helps me so much to read other peoples' thoughts on this subject, even if our thoughts are very different - and sometimes because our thoughts are very different. Every single word helps in some small way.

So thank you. And stop apologizing this second. That's an order. I'm very bossy, you should really listen to me.