Friday, July 20, 2007

Cantaloupe and other miscellaneous thoughts

I logged into my pregnancy calendar Thursday and was informed that my uterus is now the size of a cantaloupe. Maybe that explains my hunger the past few days for all things fruit. It also explains why it's getting a bit more uncomfortable to walk long distances.
My dear friend sent me a present of pickles and ice cream. I'm not kidding. A Dairy Queen gift card inside an ice cream sundae greeting card...and a jar of gherkins. She said it is proof that there is a fine line between genius and madness.

She also sent me a couple little baby gifts. And gummy bears that Sam did not see the meaning in and promptly asked to eat. :o)

Thank you again Cynthia!
Apparently my "news" is out now despite my having told only one or two people. If I have to answer "How are you doing?" every day I may just go mad.
I am putting together a baby registry (deep breath) and have discovered that there is, in fact, a plug-in baby swing. This will save us a small fortune in batteries.
Am I the only one who thinks it odd that Katie Holmes was photographed in NYC this week wearing a trench coat? The temperature is mild for this time of year, but it's certainly not trench coat weather.
After more than a week of not having anything to read online, I have discovered that my Bloglines was not working properly. People were updating their blogs...I just didn't know it. argh!
In my humble opinion, it is not faith if you believe it out of fear.
I may settle a big case at work. Keep your fingers crossed for me. It would be a BIG accomplishment (we're talking RAISE type accomplishment).
My OB's office called as "a courtesy" to let me know that Dr. A will be out of the office this week due to a family emergency, but the midwife would be available. What that would mean for me...I would have to tell my story yet AGAIN to another stranger in exchange for a blood pressure check, belly measurement, and Doppler check. It ain't worth the stress in my opinion, so I canceled. I can do all those things at home if I want...and not have to deal with "the look." Next Thursday is the big ultrasound.
I made a client cry earlier this week. I apologized for coming off as callous and/or rude, but still...I hate that I made her cry. Sometimes I have a hard time balancing the lawyer side of me with the human side of me. I really need to work on that.
There is another hole in my household where "my" dog used to be. Perspective tells me that he was just a dog. But my heart and my memories tell me that he was more than that and it's going to take a while to stop missing him.

And then of course there is the old standby guilty feeling plaguing my days and nights (either that, or pregnancy insomnia has kicked in big time). Did I spend enough quality time with Isaac? Was his life a happy enough one? I know I could have done more for/with him. Did he know I loved him?
I bought THREE things for the baby. A blanket and two sleepers. (deep breath)
We had a lovely time celebrating my mom's birthday on Sunday. We went to one of the local metroparks where they have a fabulous train display on exhibit this summer. Sam's little head just about exploded with the sheer excitement of it all. Pictures will follow soon as I figure out the cheap way to get them off my camera phone (I forgot the real camera at home).
Why is it so easy for human beings to be dismissive?
I have honed in on something that I have been contemplating for a while. Why does it bother me so much that people say, "God has a plan," or, "It wasn't part of the plan," or, "It wasn't meant to be." And I think I've stumbled onto something big...for me anyway.

People may very well believe what they say. And when they said these things to me, in the midst of raw grief, there was a definite inference that what I was doing was somehow "wrong" according to, not only the person saying it, but according to some higher power. So my pregnancies with Alex and Travis were deemed mistakes...against the plan...just plain wrong. People want to offer hope...that there is some reason for all the madness...I get that. But what I think they miss is that that particular message of hope is the message that says, "You were walking down the wrong path in the first place so God had to kill your babies to get your attention." The weight of that message is unbearable (and doubtful in my humble opinion) at ANY time...let alone when you are in those intense days of mourning.

And for me, it's a bit more because I have always lived my life in fear of judgment. I do all the right things not because they are the right things, but because I'm afraid of the "punishment" if I break the rules. The guilt associated with God's plan...well...I just can't buy into it.

But I've been thinking about what I do believe. And this post by my dear friend, Holley, comes pretty close to what I think and feel these days. I'm sure there's more, but I'm not even going to try to put it into words right now.
Thanks to, I was able to get my son a compromise bicycle helmet...Lightning McQueen. He still isn't convinced it's worth being five years old. So I'm looking for ideas for things to do as a "big kid" that he couldn't do as a three-year-old. Got any?
I've been working on this for over a week. Time to post it before I forget again or something else gets in the way. But before I go, I wanted to say a big
to msfitzita


missing_one said...

Are you having a girl?
I just think you're having a girl for some reason.

Ruby said...

I'm so glad your cantaloupe is well ;)

Sorry about your Issac.

I'm sorry about all the comments about God that you've had to endure. I would give you my opinion but it would take too long to post here.

My Little One is five and one thing he really liked was when I said that only because he was five now he could help cut. (Of course this only works if they haven't help cut before.) So I say he's old enough to handle a "Big Boy" knife (plastic zoo pals butter knife) and he did. He then proudly told Dad that he helped cut for dinner and not to worry... he didn't cut himself.

Anonymous said...

Hi Catherine,

Why are you under the impression that when people say what they say, they're implying your losses were some kind of punishment from god?

You've written the same sentiment a few times in various posts when people are kind enough to say anything at all to you, but I don't hear that they judge you or that that they imply it was all a "mistake" or that you did something wrong, thus being punished. Why do you?

X Artblog

Cristin said...

There is so much to comment on here and I feel lame just adding this as a comment, but here goes:

The plug in swing got a lot of bad reviews. Particularly about the fact that it plugs in and the motor runs out or something. That is if you're talking about the 'Starlight Papasan Cradle Swing'.

I've been thinking about you guys. Hope all is well.