Sunday, July 29, 2007

Not so convincing

Even when I try to think positive, the negative thoughts are stronger.

We bought the baby a sleeper at WalMart last night. We looked at carseats and swings in the store and online this morning. But this afternoon I thought something was wrong. I've dopplered and everything is fine, but that doesn't seem to convince my heart.

Positive and negative. Yin and yang.

I know part of this is because of the relation to the ultrasound. Last year we had our ultrasound and four days later the baby was dead. This isn't last year...I know that. This isn't that baby...I know that too.

Sam talks about teaching the baby things...playing with him...being a big brother. This morning I told him we need to tell my belly that the baby isn't allowed to die. Good grief.

I don't want to tell people these things. I don't want to admit that I'm not as strong as everyone wants me to be.

But there it is.

I wonder if I fooled them. I almost fooled myself for a while.


pipsylou said...

One thing that has really helped me in dealing with daily life anxieties about my children is remembering that EACH one of them has his own path. Just because Lucy had medical problems does not mean Asher will. Just because I almost drowned when I was 4 does not mean Lucy will. Just because I have fears for them does not mean those fears will come true. My children have their own destinies, irregardless of how I feel on a certain day or what happens to someone else's child, good or bad.

That really, really helps me.

This baby has his own future. And I am hoping and praying that that future involves a HAPPY, HAPPY tear-filled delivery room in Thanksgiving, and many many years of living and loving and learning.

You don't have to be strong through all this, C. No one expects you to be. Ease up on yourself.

pipsylou said...

I never leave my blog, I suppose I should so people know who is commenting.


*Darcie* said...

Oh, Kate!! I am feeling for you!! I wont tell you not to worry about it, cuz your gonna!

I really dont have any magic words for you...but I am thinking of you constantly. thinking of you, GB, Steve, Sam, Alex, and Travis. You are all on my thoughts constantly. I think you are doing great! I can only imgagine what you are thinking/feeling. Thanksgiving cant get here soon enough~~

Beruriah said...

Christ, Catherine, I admire you because you function openly in the world! I know you don't have that much of a choice but a big event for me involves hanging out on the FRONT rather than BACK porch, and rarely, going to a small gathering at a friend's house.

I'm glad you have the doppler. And hey, we're both halfway there.

Sherry said...

You worry? About this baby? This pregnancy? Who WOULDN'T worry Catherine? Seriously, who? I would worry. Hell, I worry for you. I worried in my one and only pregnancy without having been through what you have. You are SO strong, and slightly nuts ( :) Aren't we all? heehee) to be doing this. Of course you're going to worry!

Those ultrasound pictures are WONDERFUL! Now, I am waiting to hear this potential name :) And are you decorating in a theme for his room, or am I jumping ahead of you?


Bttrfly1976 said...

Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the willingness to persevere through the midst of that fear. You are one of the strongest human beings I have ever 'known.' Most people in this world would have cracked after the first loss. Catherine, don't sell yourself short. I almost never comment here, but I read you daily and you have yet to cease encouraging me through your ability to just keep keep doing just that!

Brenda said...

i understand how worried you are feeling. I get worried just thinking about being pg again. And thats yet to happen. So I can imagine how your feeling. Im sure its all very normal. I hope it is. :)


Kathy McC said...

I can't tell you not to worry because it's not realistic. I understand your fears because I remember them well from when I was pregnant with K. The only thing I wished for was for the pregnancy to go fast so that I could just get him out of my body. I wish for things to go fast for you too, so you can be holding that new little boy safe in your arms soon.