Even when I try to think positive, the negative thoughts are stronger.
We bought the baby a sleeper at WalMart last night. We looked at carseats and swings in the store and online this morning. But this afternoon I thought something was wrong. I've dopplered and everything is fine, but that doesn't seem to convince my heart.
Positive and negative. Yin and yang.
I know part of this is because of the relation to the ultrasound. Last year we had our ultrasound and four days later the baby was dead. This isn't last year...I know that. This isn't that baby...I know that too.
Sam talks about teaching the baby things...playing with him...being a big brother. This morning I told him we need to tell my belly that the baby isn't allowed to die. Good grief.
I don't want to tell people these things. I don't want to admit that I'm not as strong as everyone wants me to be.
But there it is.
I wonder if I fooled them. I almost fooled myself for a while.