Goodbye

He didn't have any clothes that would fit him until he was full term. We called him The Beast for 19 weeks and five days...He didn't even have a name. We didn't know he was a boy until three days earlier.

But on the day of his death and birth, his daddy bought him a soft blue blankie with barns and cows on it, and we chose a name for him from our list...Travis Leo...I hope he likes them both.

I woke up at about 4:30am Sunday and just knew something wasn't right. We called the doctor at 6:15am after I finally convinced myself that I wasn't just remembering last year. Steve stayed with Sam while I went in to the hospital, fully hoping that they would tell me I was crazy and send me home...after hearing that sweet heartbeat sound on the doppler. But by 9am, when the nurse said, "We don't know anything for sure," I replied with, "Please don't do that, we both know for sure."

Induction started Sunday morning at 11:30am. Travis Leo was stillborn at 4:30am Monday, May 8, 2006. He weighed 1lb, 9ozs and was 11 inches long. He had his brothers' nose, ten fingers, ten toes, and appeared physically perfect...except for the dead part.

I held him briefly before passing out from the medication....then again when I awoke later in the morning. I called my parents and they came to see us and take pictures. This time I was prepared. I guess experience pays off in this, at least.

I asked for all sorts of testing, to cover infections, chromosomal abnormalities and physical defects. We just had the ultrasound on Wednesday and I was/am healthy, so that provides some clues that it wasn't an infection like with Alex, but I wanted to be sure.

I felt it was inevitable. I couldn't believe that we would be so lucky as to bring another living baby home with us...THIS baby...our Travis. Maybe I cursed us all. Maybe I'm being punished for not believing in God anymore. I really don't care about the who or what or why this happened to us. It happened...and our lives will forever be changed.

I looked at our Sam yesterday and saw two ghost children dancing around with him. I thought to myself how Alex should be almost a year old. Then I thought how, in his absence, Travis should be an exciting expectation in our lives. There is nothing that will fix this.

I was just beginning to feel that Alex was a blessing in my life. I was able to think of him with a smile and not with tears. Similarly, I was just beginning to think of The Beast with a smile and excitement instead of only fear. But quite honestly, all that happy bullshit was just that...bullshit. Let's face it, this isn't a blessing of any kind. That's just what I told myself to make myself feel less horrible. The time spent carrying babies that will never be born is wasted time. There is no blessing in any of it. I just didn't want to admit that I had wasted so much time...time picking up Sam because he weighs too much, time learning with my horses for fear they would hurt me or the baby, time drinking alcohol and partying, time working because I was grieving a dead child and hoping for a new one, time digging in my garden because there was a danger of cat droppings, time being intimate because I was too tired or too sick or too scared. And what did I spend my time doing? Crying, grieving, ranting at God/the universe, being afraid. All that wasted time...for nothing. What an idiot I am.

There is nothing more I can say that I haven't said already. And quite honestly, I don't think I will be online for a while...if at all. There is no amount of talking or typing that is going to heal me. There is nothing I have to say anymore that is positive or supportive or helpful. It all seems so pointless...for me anyway. I wish you all well and thank you for all the kindnesses you have shown me. Kate, I received the rose for Alex. It is beautiful and absolutely perfect. Thank you.

If you ever have a moment, please send a smile out into the universe for our Alex and the baby boy who died without a real name...our Travis.

We loved them both when they were here with us and we will love them forever.