Sunday, September 24, 2006

I need my head examined

We made it through the big due date. It sucked. I cried.

Thank you for understanding that I needed to turn off my comments because I couldn't deal with another, "I'm so sorry," without totally losing my sanity. I know it is meant as supportive and loving...and I am incredibly grateful to have found friends in the blogosphere who understand. So I hope you understand this too. And to everyone who sent an email...thank you...I haven't read them just yet, but I appreciate your kindness nonetheless.

So...yeah...we made it through the big due date. It sucked. I cried.

Then I moved on.

God...I have turned into a cliche. But ya know, after the first dead kid, the second one is a bit easier to deal least for me. Maybe I'm a bit harder around the edges...but that's how it has to be in order for me to survive.

So we spent the weekend rescuing dogs from the side of the highway and buying baby bedding.


No...I'm not kidding.

No...I'm not pregnant.

And yes...I am crazy.

Here it is...Sam picked it out...

We all know our family isn't complete (again with the cliches...I have GOT to get help). HOW we are going to add on to our family, we're not entirely sure. Steve is happy that I'm, " a place where I could even consider something like this." I'm not sure whether he means buying the bedding or adding to our family.

I'm just thinking how cute the nursery will be.

I'll consider the rest later.


R said...

I was going to go crazy if you didn't turn back on your damn comments.

CUTE bedding!!! oh my goodness that is CUTE!!!!!!!

R said...

And quit apologizing and saying you need your head examined. You guys want another child. That's not hard to understand at all. With each loss I'm sure it's made the desire even more intense. I can't wait to see pictures of a little one all snuggled in those blankets.

It'll happen!!!!!!! I'll have faith for when you don't!

sarahbobeara said...

love the bedding! sam has awesome taste :)

i'm so hopeful for you kate.

Sherry (Hallesmom) said...

I agree with r and Sarahbobeara.

First off - Sam, you my young man have GREAT taste! The bedding is just adorable. Why didn't I have someone like Sam to pick out Zoe's bedding 10 years ago? Instead I picked out fish. The brightest damn fish I have EVER seen in my entire life. I'll have to try to find a picture to show you some day. It truly was 'colorful'.

And I'm not giving up on an addition to your family. When your hope runs low I'll be around to still tell you how in my heart I believe.

Anonymous said...

Oh Catherine, please don't apologize. These have been huge losses and of course you need to write about them and talk about them.
In fact, my support group has been my absolute saving grace for years now. Therapy is a very good thing.
And having another child can be a wonderful distraction, but it doesn't change the losses you've had. I'm thinking good thoughts about you.

Kathy McC said...


Love that bedding. And I love the colors.

AJW5403 said...

Your Sam has great taste. I love that bedding.

kate said...

love that bedding, it makes me smile... :)

sillyhummingbird said...

The bedding is fantastic! Well done, Sam! The thought of addition to your family is a beautiful one.

SydneyDawn said...

Wow, the room decor is fantastic.

Lorem ipsum said...

I wish filling that emptiness in your hearts were as easy as filling a room with beautiful bedding.

One Mother's Journey said...

Nice. :) On all accounts.

whatthef*ck said...

thanks for your comments on my blog. i actually read quite a few of your posts a few days ago.

i hope this doesn't rub you the wrong way but here goes: darlin,' i've heard A LOT of horror stories but never, ever have i heard of a family who have survived such a tremendously gigantic epoch tragedy. what a dubious distinction indeed.

you must be one strong and graceful woman catherine.

i can see why you would turn off your comments. as well intentioned as "i'm so sorry" or the like is, it is woefully inadequate. for me it can never come close to conveying a sense of understanding of what i've gone through. the condolences magnify my feeling of being isolated and misunderstood and alone in my grief process. and i'm just tired of being the one that people have to say it to. (alternatively, maybe i am the "ungrateful brat" that my mother always said i was and i just don't appreciate the efforts of well-wishers.)

back to "i'm so sorry," what i get more often is "i'm sorry for your loss."

i HATE "i'm sorry for your loss."

my perinatologist said it right after he told me that my amniotic fluid was infected with what they thought was e.coli and that they would have to induce delivery of my perfectly alive and healthy daughter. she would die immediatley because she was only 22 1/2 weeks along. (i would get to have the vaginal delivery that i always wanted (after 2 c-sections) but my baby would then DIE.) she was frolicking in my infected uterus even as he spoke. then he says, "i'm sorry for your loss." she wasn't even dead yet. she wan't even my "loss" yet.

soon, hopefully tonight, i will post about a truly unbelievable condolence that i got today.

let's chat about those vagina and ass germs of ours that killed our babies. and if you want, about finding the courage to try again?

i too have a sense that our family is not yet complete but i don't see a clear path from here to completion. am i meant to adopt or have a foster child someday? is that how our third child will get through? my feeling is that i will give birth to this child but...yikes.

Sarah said...

I'm glad the comments didn't stay off forever... And i'm glad you made it through Travis's due date with tears and new dogs for distration.

Good luck finding the second dog's home!!! You don't need puppies. :) Although they would be really cute. And pictures of Sam with a litter of puppies would also be crazy cute.

Renae said...

Love, love, love the bedding!

I will keep being hopeful for you, and for me. Glad you turned your comments back on. I read the story about Faith's Lodge and wanted to thank you for posting it.

And yeah, stop apologizing. It's your blog, damn it! Do what you want with it.

delphi said...

The bedding is absolutely great. You have a future decorator in Sam??

deadbabymama said...

I've been thinking about you all week. I'm glad you got through the due date, I knew you would, wish you didn't have to do it this way.

LOL about the cliches, I can totally relate!

vixanne wigg said...

No "I'm so sorrys." Just hugs.

Sweet Coalminer said...

I am so hopeful for your family, and I am so proud of you for being strong enough to be the wonderful mom you are, and to make all the changes that are going on in your life right now.

I do really like that bedding. It's very classy, you know? Not trendy. Noice.