Monday, September 18, 2006

A day late

Steve and I talked about adoption.
We happily discussed it.
Happily looked forward.
I was one day late and terrified I was pregnant.
I didn't tell my husband.
I tested.
Negative.
Relief...
...and something else.
Regret?
Embarassment?
Shame?
Foolishness?
Despite all indications to the contrary, I apparently still harbor some delusion that I could have another living child.
This makes me either stupid or insane.
Either way, I am clearly out of touch with reality.
Wow could I consider adoption when I'm so obviously not resolved about pregnancy?
And why am I not resolved about pregnancy?
Do I need clubbed over the head?
I need to go back to "not talking about it until after the house is done."
Or maybe I need to go to "not talking about it at all."
If I could just get to "not THINKING about it."
My hair is falling out by the handfull.
Right on the post-pregnancy schedule.
How fitting that it should be now.
Due on Saturday.
I didn't think it would hurt this bad.
I'm in my own special kind of hell right now.
I'm sorry.
I will wish you all well tomorrow...or the next day...or maybe next week.
Right now I just can't think.
I feel too much.
But I don't feel anything.
Forgive me.
Bless me.
Know that no matter how kind I may seem I am angry and bitter...
...and I don't want to be a day late...
ever again.
Or do I?

12 comments:

Julie said...

Oh, Catherine. I know that you are in your own kind of hell right now, and nothing I can say will help you out of it. Time may not being much in the way of healing, but it seems to dull the pain a tiny bit. Just know that I - we all - wish for you to find some peace and hope for better times. Love to you, my friend.

Sarah said...

I wouldn't really expect you to be as positive or nice or kind as you seem here. Sometimes I think i can feel the anger and bitterness leaking through the cracks... or maybe I just expect it because I know that I have mine own and I'm not approaching the due date of my second dead child.

And yes it is hell... and it is ok to not have fully resolved feelings about pregnancy or biological children.

Megan said...

Kate, I don't expect you to be anything right now. So don't feel that you have to put on a front. Be angry, be mean, be whatever you feel. I'm thinking of you this week!!

One Mother's Journey said...

Not sure what to say, so I'll just say I'm sorry.

MB said...

Totally here for you no matter what you want, or what happens. Hugs and love,
M

R said...

Why does the last half of this post sound like an apology? Your 3rd born child is in the ground, not in your arms. Um, forgive me for being presumptuous, but wouldn't that hurt like hell for anyone? I don't know how you read any one else's pregnancy/baby blogs. I read my post this morning and wanted to vomit.

As far as you being excited/scared about being pregnant again possibly, again, you are a normal human being. Why wouldn't you be scared? I dreamt last night that you and Steve announced a pregnancy. But you were shiney and happy and hadn't endured two losses. I wish the dream was reality.

Wish I could do more than send you mental chocolate and a big fat hug.

Rach

Anam Cara said...

I'm so sorry Catherine. (((hugs)))

Treggles said...

Youy poor thing. I wish I could say something to help. I'm not sure there are any words, though.

Have a hug from me.

Sherry (Hallesmom) said...

*hugs* I'm sorry Catherine :(

kate said...

((((((hugs))))

GLouise said...

Huge hugs.

Mommies Esq1 said...

Hugs my friend.