Steve and I talked about adoption.
We happily discussed it.
Happily looked forward.
I was one day late and terrified I was pregnant.
I didn't tell my husband.
...and something else.
Despite all indications to the contrary, I apparently still harbor some delusion that I could have another living child.
This makes me either stupid or insane.
Either way, I am clearly out of touch with reality.
Wow could I consider adoption when I'm so obviously not resolved about pregnancy?
And why am I not resolved about pregnancy?
Do I need clubbed over the head?
I need to go back to "not talking about it until after the house is done."
Or maybe I need to go to "not talking about it at all."
If I could just get to "not THINKING about it."
My hair is falling out by the handfull.
Right on the post-pregnancy schedule.
How fitting that it should be now.
Due on Saturday.
I didn't think it would hurt this bad.
I'm in my own special kind of hell right now.
I will wish you all well tomorrow...or the next day...or maybe next week.
Right now I just can't think.
I feel too much.
But I don't feel anything.
Know that no matter how kind I may seem I am angry and bitter...
...and I don't want to be a day late...
Or do I?