Wednesday, September 06, 2006

To the edge and back...to the edge and back...ad nauseum...ad infinitum

I have developed a whole other cycle. There is my normal PMS cycle of course. And now there is a cycle the revolves around the 7th through the 11th every month.

I know it's not healthy to mark these monthly "anniversaries," but I seem to do it unconsciously even when I try not to. Round about the 5th of every month I start to become unreasonable...and screechy.

Of course it doesn't help that I have the king motor-mouth as a son and I always have to mediate (stupid) disputes between he and my darling husband. But you'd think I could find a way to break the cycle by now.
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Pregnancy items I lent to friends are slowly making their way back to me. It's just sad and pathetic that I have to open each box.

If I didn't have control issues, I would just tell people to do whatever they want with them. That would make it so much easier. I think I'm going to try it.

If you have anything of mine that is pregnancy related...please consider it yours from this point forward. No need to return anything, regardless of how much it might fetch on eBay. If you want to pay me back, buy me some chocolate...or wine...or both.

Thank you very much.
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Arranging "alone time" with the husband is more like planning the invasion of a small country. It takes tactical know-how that neither Steve nor I have the energy for to get the four-year-old out of our hair long enough to do...any good (what were you thinking? you have such a dirty mind!). So when we're both "in the mood" and are able to devise a game plan to get the munchkin to sleep, it's a very good (and rare) thing.

Said munchkin has, however unwittingly, devised the all-time winning-est gambit in this contest. He looks at us all innocent with those big blue eyes and says, "But I want you to come play with me...I don't want to play all by myself anymore." That's it...game over. We both agree, "This sucks," and go play with the kid. All thoughts of "alone time" completely blasted out of your skull for at least two days.
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She said to me, in that all-too-sure, all-too-happy voice, "So what's new with you? You obviously had your baby since it's been years since I've talked to you."

I had to think...

Which baby is she talking about? It can't possibly be that someone doesn't know Alex died? Can it? But I don't think she even knew about Travis?

All I could stammer was, "uh...no."

(pause)

"Oh God, I'm sorry...uhhh...let's get to business then...I'm so sorry," she said...almost in tears herself.

I tried to talk. But even after all this time, I started to cry for my baby boy. My sweet Alex.

I finally said, with a half laugh, "Boy, that took me by surprise."

She repeated how sorry she was.

I started talking business and tried not to cry.
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I finally made a call about donating our unused crib mattress and bedding set. The mattress was purchased for Alex and the bedding set was purchased even before we knew we would try for Travis (I can't pass up a good clearance sale for a 'maybe some day'. Now? Now I could probably walk right by without so much as a finger twitch in the direction of my credit card).

It seems right to get them out of our house.

Sad. But right.
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I perused an old message board I used to frequent and was surprised to find how many women had stillborn children. What shocked me was the seemingly easy way in which they seemed to have moved on. What is wrong with me that I can't be like that? Why do I have to obsess over what cannot be?
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Today I received Save the Children's Inaugural newsletter, Children in Emergencies and Crises

In Israel, Save the Children is working through a local partner to address the psychosocial support needs of children who witnessed violence and are exposed to great risk. One Save the Children partner created and distributed 4,000 household activity kits to children and their families in Nazareth, Haifa and surrounding villages. The kits offer a respite from the violence, stress and anxiety that children and adults experience. Save the Children also has been asked to support work with local partners addressing child trauma in northern Israel.
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It's sad to lose a child...two children. But there is something to be said for perspective. I've got one kid...and a damn good one at that. I really need to get a grip.

1 comment:

kate said...

Yes, one should always strive for perspective. I am a firm believer in that, even when i fail with it on my end.

I think you have a damned good grip, overall...