Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Nerves

This is going to be a fun week. Saturday Orbit is going off to his new adoptive home. Monday I have a hearing that I'm pretty certain I'm going to lose. Tuesday I have an OB appointment. At some point I need to take the other foster dog in to have her stitches removed (she was spayed two weeks ago). No stress involved here. I'm calm...cool as a cucumber...

Yeah right. I might actually believe it if I keep telling myself that...a zillion times or more.

There are no words to describe the all-encompassing fear I feel if I even think about anything pregnancy-related. It's strange. Since Alex died I have found solace in using my words here. I have felt a sort of catharsis by putting my thoughts down in an organized fashion.

But not now. I have too much to lose. I'm afraid to utter the words...any of them. The happy ones, the sad ones, the angry ones, the bitter ones, the peaceful ones...they all tempt fate in a way that I'm not ready to do right now.

And I can't even drink to calm my nerves.

9 comments:

kate said...

Yeah, i felt the same way. That's why i lurked on sub pg boards but didn't post much. A stupid novel and bubblebath...that helps temporarily...

Windfall Woman said...

Bless your heart honey. I'm praying for a healthy baby for you.

lauralu said...

my alcohol-substitute recommendation: pre-natal yoga, done at home with a dvd (i know, who has the time, but it's worth it to make it). it's easy to do at whatever level you're comfortable with, and even when there's time for nothing else, just doing the relaxation part at the end is as good as the comfort i get after a good glass of wine.

Sarah said...

Maybe going for a walk could help for a few minutes. Sometimes I get a wave of happiness from something simple like that.

And just keep trying to find something that helps. Maybe if you try to write a little bit more every day or so it will start to feel helpful.

AJW5403 said...

I know when I was in the very beginning of my pregnancy I was always afraid of jinxing myself. I did everything possible to not think about the pregnancy.

The only advice I can give you is just take is slow. You will hit a point were you are a little bit more comfortable and able to talk about it a little more. I think of you daily and wish you nothing but he best.

cat said...

I feel you Catherine... every day there is this struggle to find some peace in the pg storm. It may not help to say it because it never seems to help me but you can't jinx this and things won't go awry because you feel some hope or happiness. That's one of the hardest parts to believe I think.

I'm sending you love and support. May you find that the time passes quicker than usual and you walk through that door dreams intact. *hug*

Sherri said...

Thinking of you every day and wishing there was some way to make these coming months somehow easier for you, but I know there is nothing anyone can say or do to give you any real reassurance or sense of security. So I hope it helps that you are in my heart and thoughts all the time!!

Runelady said...

Oh, my darling child, listen to your friend cat, she's obviously a wise wise woman. Nothing you say or think can cause a jinx. A rousing game of whatever with Sam might help keep the thinking down to a minimum but those thoughts will creep in every now and then. Mentally tell them to stuff it. I love you and mentally hug you every day cause you're my kid. Mom

gabesmama said...

I've missed you! You always no what to say, even in a few words. I too was afraid to express. I was afraid to fix my computer because then I would have to be open about my fear and yes tempt fate. I just wish I could stay in some lala land until the baby is born. I posted today so we'll see if it helps too write out my fears. I both liked doing it and found it hard. I guess the most important thing for me is to read about everyone else and I can't do that unless I talk about myself, as much as I want to hide.