My entire life has been spent screaming for attention. I'm sure it psychologically stems from being ignored by my parents at some crucial stage of my development. After all, everything is our parents' fault, isn't it? But I just now realized, after an all-out scream-fest at Steve over how in the hell to properly cut lattice, that I have a major problem. I feel as though I'm just not heard...on anything. I could very well have spoken the most genuis thing ever spoken and nobody will have heard it. Not because they can't hear me...but because they weren't listening.
Nobody listens anymore. The husband...please...see aforementioned lattice issues and you will see how my general day-to-day goes. Sam...he's three...what do you expect? It's not that I think anything in my life would change too dramatically. My husband and I would still butt heads over the correct way to cut lattice. But at least I would feel like someone heard me...like what I said wasn't a waste of the effort it took to push the air out of my body and vibrate my vocal cords. I swear I could spend my entire weekend without uttering a word and nobody would notice or care. Hell, Steve would probably even be thankful for the peace and quiet.
But I realized today, even more shocking than the fact that my husband doesn't listen to me (haha), is that nobody has ever listened to me. I spend my entire life trying to convince people that I'm worth listening to...that I know what I'm talking about...that I have something legitimate to say that deserves attention and recognition. And I'm generally saddened or offended or insulted when I am disregarded.
Yes, this started out as a general rant about my husband and his inability to listen, but it led me to realize the reason it hurts so much when he doesn't hear me. My doctors didn't listen to me and my Alex died. I know that not everything I have to say is of the same level of importance. But it would be nice to know that something/anything I have to say is being paid SOME attention to. Why do I have to scream in order for someone to care enough to listen? Why did my baby have to die for someone to hear me?
Sometimes I feel like I could disappear and, aside from the fact there would be no clean dishes or laundry, nobody would notice. Home is where you're supposed to go when you want to get away from the cruel world and have someone pay attention to you...where you know the people care. Instead, home is just like every other place. I have no voice...because I've been screaming so much.
Pay no attention to the screaming lady next door...nobody else pays her any attention either.