Saturday, October 29, 2005

Screaming till I'm hoarse

My entire life has been spent screaming for attention. I'm sure it psychologically stems from being ignored by my parents at some crucial stage of my development. After all, everything is our parents' fault, isn't it? But I just now realized, after an all-out scream-fest at Steve over how in the hell to properly cut lattice, that I have a major problem. I feel as though I'm just not heard...on anything. I could very well have spoken the most genuis thing ever spoken and nobody will have heard it. Not because they can't hear me...but because they weren't listening.

Nobody listens anymore. The husband...please...see aforementioned lattice issues and you will see how my general day-to-day goes. Sam...he's three...what do you expect? It's not that I think anything in my life would change too dramatically. My husband and I would still butt heads over the correct way to cut lattice. But at least I would feel like someone heard me...like what I said wasn't a waste of the effort it took to push the air out of my body and vibrate my vocal cords. I swear I could spend my entire weekend without uttering a word and nobody would notice or care. Hell, Steve would probably even be thankful for the peace and quiet.

But I realized today, even more shocking than the fact that my husband doesn't listen to me (haha), is that nobody has ever listened to me. I spend my entire life trying to convince people that I'm worth listening to...that I know what I'm talking about...that I have something legitimate to say that deserves attention and recognition. And I'm generally saddened or offended or insulted when I am disregarded.

Yes, this started out as a general rant about my husband and his inability to listen, but it led me to realize the reason it hurts so much when he doesn't hear me. My doctors didn't listen to me and my Alex died. I know that not everything I have to say is of the same level of importance. But it would be nice to know that something/anything I have to say is being paid SOME attention to. Why do I have to scream in order for someone to care enough to listen? Why did my baby have to die for someone to hear me?

Sometimes I feel like I could disappear and, aside from the fact there would be no clean dishes or laundry, nobody would notice. Home is where you're supposed to go when you want to get away from the cruel world and have someone pay attention to you...where you know the people care. Instead, home is just like every other place. I have no voice...because I've been screaming so much.

Pay no attention to the screaming lady next door...nobody else pays her any attention either.

14 comments:

Lisa P. said...

We'd notice if you disappeared, and it would not be good. I'd have to drive myself over to Ohio and stick my head out the window shouting for you (since I don't know exactly whereabouts you are.)

((((hugs))))

oh, and P.S. - unrelated to your post, but with your new layout, on my crappy old PC, the title is now very big block letters and the word "Control" is hiding behind the blue block. This probably makes no sense but I'm guessing that it's a font I don't have?? Just my first instinct.

Catherine said...

There...did that fix it? Thanks. And thanks for coming to look for me like I'm a lost dog. lol

deadbabymama said...

I'm paying attention. Have you found that therapist yet?

Catherine said...

No, I haven't. I checked into two...both ended up not being on my insurance. I do NOT have the stamina for this that lauralu does. I have to be feeling strong to fight the fight necessary to find one. And I just haven't been feeling up to it lately.

holley said...

I would notice if you disappeared. I realize that isn't the same as a husband, son or doctor listening to you, but I'm here anyway.

As far as a therapist goes, can't you just check with your insurance to see who they cover? Or is your insurance company just not forthcoming with such details?

Catherine said...

lol...oh do I have a tale to tell about insurance companies.

The list from which you can search includes "Counseling." That's as specific as they get. Unfortunately, not all counselors are created equal. I'm pretty sure an alcohol and drug counselor ain't gonna help me. And quite honestly, I just do not have the emotional stamina to shop around and find the right one. I found a nurse practitioner who specializes in perinatal loss counseling (recommended by my perinatologist)...not covered. The insurance company has created a quagmire of vague titles that makes it impossible to find what I need/want.

¡P! said...

Mostly, I think you need to stop changing your color schemes. I mean, seriously. Pick one and go with it. Every time I come over here, I'm not sure if I'm going to see blue-on-blue or dragonflies or overlays of Bullwinkle sticking his arm into a hat, "nothin' up my sleeve... Presto!"

Having said that.

I would offer words of advice or comfort, but I'm not sure I have any. I don't know that anyone does, that any therapist or support group can help. I'd like to say I know what you're going through, but I don't, and it's foolish to pretend that I do.

But I am, despite appearances to the contrary, listening.

Holley said...

Well, with the system your insurance company has, you could develop a drug and alcohol problem and then get appropriate counseling....

Julie said...

Well, we're all listening, although I know how much more it means to have your family/friends/coworkers, anybody IRL, to pay attention, damn it!
I feel that way sometimes, too, invisible, overlooked, and taken for granted. Grrr! And you know very well, if WE did that to the offenders, we'd get a big old whine fest with pouting on the side.
{{{hugs}}}

msfitzita said...

Big (((HUGS))) I promise, I listen to you all the time. I value the comments you leave on my blog and yours is one I make sure to read every day. I look forward to it because it always makes me think and it always make me feel, even on days when I'm particularly numb.

I would very much notice if you stopped talking, and you don't have to scream for me to hear you. I promise.

((((((HUGS))))))

Jill said...

Your last line sums up my life LOL:) I worry what the neighbours must think and then wonder why I bother as no one could care less how loud I scream or for how long.

I really do wonder how some people just get people to listen every time they speak when I am sure my lips move without sound so much of the time.

And then when it all culminates in the death of your child...if only there was an answer huh?

Julie said...

Remember the teacher in the Charlie Brown specials? "mwuh mwuhmwuh mah" - That's how Gerry and Josh used to make fun of me when I was speaking. So funny, those guys. THEN, we saw a Simpson's episode where Homer was obsessed with the circus, and everytime Marge was talking, he was picturing a clown with the circus music playing in the background. It was funny, at the time, until I hear it behind me as a soundtrack when I'm lecturing. These darn guys. Heh. (I can't get no respect, I tells ya)

lauralu said...

catherine, do YOU really believe that what you say matters? i get the feeling sometimes that you don't think your opinion equal to everyone else's. i'm just saying. feel free to throw bricks at me.

deadbabymama said...

Bugger your insurance, go see someone privately if you have to. Yes, it can be expensive, but many therapists do a sliding scale and that would get you started. Or get a friend who wants to do something constructive for you to do a little legwork on your behalf. Your peace of mind, your mental and emotional health, you ability to be a whole person are worth the money, believe me.