Meeting David this past week, and the subsequent flurry of emails from friends and acquaintances, has made me think that maybe I need to talk to a counselor or a therapist. Until recently, I have been very content to type out my thoughts, as it gives me an opportunity to think and organize before I "say" something. But getting the immediate feedback from the people we met at the play, including one supervisor of something or other (I'm sorry I didn't catch her name), made me realize that there's something lacking about this medium. I've been basically talking to myself....with occasional comment from others. But the interaction is hit or miss, depending on what is going on in the blogosphere on any given day. I realize I need a "real person" to give me some sympathy, understanding, coping advice.
Now I wonder, how do I find someone who's any good? There was a recommendation from the perinatologist...someone who specializes in perinatial loss counseling...but she's not covered by our insurance. Do I choose a full fledged psychologist? psychiatrist? would a support group be enough? How the hell did I get to a place where I am even asking these questions?
There have been so many moments during the past five months where I have asked that very question. How did I get here? The thing is, I know how I got here. So why do I keep asking that question?
There is a certain feeling of helplessness that leads me to feel like there must be some answers I'm missing. And there is. But they're not answers to the questions I've been asking. I mean, I can intellectually understand why this happened...how it happened...and I can intellectually tell myself that this is just the way life is now. It all makes sense...intellectually.
But I feel like my brain owes my heart some sort of an explanation. Disappointment...broken dreams...lost love...they're all things that my heart is feeling. No amount of reason is going to soothe the just plain hurt that I carry around with me every single day. It's not going to answer the one question I really want an answer to...Why me?
If I really want to move forward, I think the better question I could be asking myself is this...how do I deal with this? Not looking back. Not, "how did I get here?" Instead, "where do I go from here? how do I move forward from here?" But I'm so filled with the hurt that I can't even think about moving forward. I'm still starved for an answer to the "why me" question.
I think I need to talk to someone. Now to figure out who...
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I wish I was as brave as you are. I know I could heal faster if I'd be willing to talk to someone too...but I'm just not there yet.
Maybe one day...
Anyway, I'm wondering if you could talk to the hospital where you had your son. They may be able to recommend someone or perhaps they even have a psychologist on staff who deals with this kind of loss. They did at the hosptial where Thomas was born...and I have his card here somewhere. Maybe one day...
Considering I may be suing the doctor who works for that hospital, I don't think that would be a good idea. :o)
Do either of you work for a company with a human resources department? If so, ask about an EAP - Employee Assistance Program. It's designed so you can get a set number (like five, to start) of free or almost-free counseling sessions for members of the immediate family (either of you or both) by an independent company. It's a starting point.
I read (and wrote) about a study a few months ago by an EAP company that said that in the UK, miscarriage/pregnancy loss was the most stressful event for men AND women. So fear not; they have heard it all.
Good luck!
You already know I am a big fan of therapy. My assvice: Start with a psychologist not a psychiatrist if you are not interested in taking meds. A psychologist can refer you to a psychiatrist later if needed. You sound like you want to talk and have support which is more the job for a psychologist. They do not prescribe medications and follow a talking cure route to healing.
It took me three therapists to find the one I clicked with and it turned out to be one I would have never thought would be the one. So you never know.
The first step is just making a phone call and it's the hardest. I'm sending you love and support. You will be in my thoughts.
I am very pro-therapy. Go for it. Everyone has already made the recommendations I would (sorry, if you lived in town I'd actually be able to give you some names) but I did want to kick in my support.
I did talk to someone for a little bit -- started about 5 months after Nicolas died, like you. I needed a little help just dealing with daily life. Globally speaking she wasn't terribly helpful but it was nice to have someone to sound off to. She was just someone that my insurance sent me to. After awhile i just stopped going...i guess it helped a little bit but it really is key to find the right person to go to...
I find therapy to be very helpful...and I agree with everyone here that it might take you a couple tries before you find one you like. I got lucky and liked the first one I saw this time around. Good luck with your decision!
i went for a few sessions after i lost hans, and it helped to have a sounding board giving me feedback and pushing me, but if i had it to do over again, when i called the insurance company for pre-approval i would have pushed for them to offer me someone who dealt in loss-related issues.
if they can't do that, then i would say, my issues are very specific and it must be someone who specializes in what i'm dealing with, and here's someone that someone else in the biz has recommended - now what can you do to make it work?
either way, talking to a professional can only help.
good luck.
I'm also pro-therapy, as you know, and I'm glad you've decided to take steps in this direction. Anyone who is wavering on this (mzf...I mean you!) should take the plunge sooner rather than later because once you start you kick yourself for not starting sooner!
I agree with cat that seeing a full-on shrink isn't the best thing, you aren't mentally ill you are grieving and they are more likely to give you meds even if you don't need them. This is what my GP told me, anyway, and we looked for someone who wasn't a shrink but who was covered by OHIP (Ontario/Canada Healthcare). I found my therapist through the recommendations of two friends who had seen him and he and I worked out. He is a GP as well as a therapist, and he is also the father of two dead children. He struck a good balance between listening and interpreting and giving me stuff to do which I appreciated, no matter how crap I feel I have some strategies now. He really helped me see how my past relationships and behaviour were influencing my grieving, and that helped me sort out what was grief from what was a more generalized depression which was very helpful. And he is an example to me of someone who has survived and learned to thrive again which is really valuable as well.
We also saw a grief therapist who specialized in fertility issues and child death for a few months, she was recommened by my GP. If you have a GP/family doctor that isn't part of the hospital/potential lawsuit stuff you could ask them. There may be a therapy-matching program in your area, check with whatever you call Social Services down there; you could also check in with the hospital Social Worker without it having anything to do with your potential lawsuit. And google for bereaved family groups in your area, I'll bet there are some.
Finally, if you don't get a good fit the first time keep trying. Good luck!
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