Meeting David this past week, and the subsequent flurry of emails from friends and acquaintances, has made me think that maybe I need to talk to a counselor or a therapist. Until recently, I have been very content to type out my thoughts, as it gives me an opportunity to think and organize before I "say" something. But getting the immediate feedback from the people we met at the play, including one supervisor of something or other (I'm sorry I didn't catch her name), made me realize that there's something lacking about this medium. I've been basically talking to myself....with occasional comment from others. But the interaction is hit or miss, depending on what is going on in the blogosphere on any given day. I realize I need a "real person" to give me some sympathy, understanding, coping advice.
Now I wonder, how do I find someone who's any good? There was a recommendation from the perinatologist...someone who specializes in perinatial loss counseling...but she's not covered by our insurance. Do I choose a full fledged psychologist? psychiatrist? would a support group be enough? How the hell did I get to a place where I am even asking these questions?
There have been so many moments during the past five months where I have asked that very question. How did I get here? The thing is, I know how I got here. So why do I keep asking that question?
There is a certain feeling of helplessness that leads me to feel like there must be some answers I'm missing. And there is. But they're not answers to the questions I've been asking. I mean, I can intellectually understand why this happened...how it happened...and I can intellectually tell myself that this is just the way life is now. It all makes sense...intellectually.
But I feel like my brain owes my heart some sort of an explanation. Disappointment...broken dreams...lost love...they're all things that my heart is feeling. No amount of reason is going to soothe the just plain hurt that I carry around with me every single day. It's not going to answer the one question I really want an answer to...Why me?
If I really want to move forward, I think the better question I could be asking myself is this...how do I deal with this? Not looking back. Not, "how did I get here?" Instead, "where do I go from here? how do I move forward from here?" But I'm so filled with the hurt that I can't even think about moving forward. I'm still starved for an answer to the "why me" question.
I think I need to talk to someone. Now to figure out who...