Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Welcome to Treggles' minister

A minister is reading my words. I am definitely going to hell now. :oP

Anyway...this comment has me confused...

So, the question shouldn't be: "what do you want me to do?", but: "What should we do in this situation?"

I can't answer that question!

How is your question (what should we do in this situation?) any different from my question (what do you want me to do)? What SHOULD we do? What do you want me to do? Same question based on the idea that there is a "right" choice and a "wrong" choice.

And where does one go for guidance in determining which is the "right" choice and a "wrong" choice? That was the whole point of my post. I pray and pray. I read and search. And there is nothing. No answer. No guidance. No insight. No peace.

I thought I made good decisions before. All I wanted was to have living children to love in this life. I wasn't breaking commandments or anything. And I was at peace that I was doing something GOOD. But given the outcome, I can't help but think that maybe someone somewhere just didn't agree with me.

God is a God of invitation to participate in his infinite love and creativity. He invites us to be co-workers with him in this baffling world.

I would love to believe this. But I can't help but think of this...
God sends out an invitation to dinner. I attend and have an amazing feast. God sends out another invitation to dinner and, remembering the previous experience, I am excited to attend. I accept the invitation, make an appearance and see the excitement through the window. Only when God opens the door, He changes his mind an slams the door in my face. I'm hurt but (for some unknown reason...it is God, after all) willing to forgive. So when God sends out another invitation to dinner, I gladly accept...only to have the door slammed in my face again. It would seem ridiculous for me to even entertain the idea of accepting another invitation, wouldn't it? How many times should a person subject themselves to that? But then, there is always that chance that He won't slam the door on my face a third time, right? What should I do in this situation? What is the "right" thing to do? What does God want me to do?

Oy! This is too much for a Wednesday morning following a Tuesday night where I had a margarita the size of my head. Too much sadness. Too many tears.

Here's the song I cranked on the car radio on my way into work this morning...

Stand
Rascal Flatts

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless like you’ve lost your fight
But you’ll be alright

Life’s like a novel with the end ripped out
The edge of canyon with only one way down
Take what you’re given before it’s gone
And start holdin’ on


Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you’re made of
You might bend ‘til you break
Cause it’s all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you’ve had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand
(I particularly like this part)

Every time you get up and get back in the race
One more small piece of you starts to fall into place

3 comments:

Aurelia said...

My comment was so long, I turned it into a post at my own blog. I hope you don't mind, I've just been thinking about this myself lately.

Peace and love my friend.

Depressionista said...

Hi Catherine,
I don't comment all that much but I read pretty regularly.

I wanted to comment today because I feel like I am in the process of gaining a new understanding of "god." My therapist is a Sufi teacher, and she has helped me see "god" (sorry, I have trouble with that word and the traditional concept) as a "divine light and love" -- a force within all of us rather than a patriarchal otherworldly being who controls everything.

When I read the minister's words about "god being a god of invitation to participate in his infinite love and creativity" it resonated with some of the things I am experiencing in therapy. I'm finding that for me, the divine light seems to work in much subtler, more mysterious ways than just saying yes or no to my requests. For instance, I'm starting to see that some of the most challenging things in my life have given me opportunities to work on parts of myself that I would never have gotten the chance to before. Awhile back I wrote a post about anger, and how the things that have happened to me, including the loss of my daughter and how it happened, have provided me with an ample opportunity to confront my anger and learn how to deal with it and become a more forgiving person (I'm still working on this!)

I'm not saying I'd rather have this opportunity than my daughter--no way. But perhaps this WAS what I needed to grow as a person. Perhaps I DID need to walk through the darkest, deepest grief and anger in order to come out the other side better. No, it isn't what I would have asked for in my life; but maybe it's what I needed to become a better person. Three years ago I wouldn't have thought I was a better person from having lost my daughter--I'd have thought I was damaged, jealous, bitter. Now, I do feel that I'm a better person than I was before. I'm seeing that now, after a lot of work and tears and grief and anger and time and you name it.

To me, it's been amazing to see how life seems to throw situations at me that challenge me in my weakest, sorest spots. Like the situations are crafted specifically for me, and if I don't take them as an opportunity to grow, then I don't get any further along life's path.

I hope this made some sense. I'm still figuring it all out myself. But it's much more palatable to me than thinking of "God," looking down from "up there" and saying "Nope. You can't have your daughter."

Keep looking for guidance, even in places that seem "weird." That's where I've gotten the most help and relief. I hope you find some too.

Treggles said...

Catherine,

I spoke with my minister on Sunday. (We made it to church with Flicker at two weeks old!)

He's more than happy to correspond with you if you'd like, but not on such a public forum; he said he's happy for you to have his direct email address. If you're interested, you can email me (via my profile).

Tx