I'm stuck because I always believed things happen for a reason. If I could just let that go once and for all, I know I would be much happier. But un-learning a lifetime belief system is hard...and painful. I'm going to have to either mold the facts to fit that belief system, or acknowledge that it was crap and I just didn't recognize it. I'm leaning toward acknowledging the crap (a friend calls it bullshit...and I think that's appropriate too).
Yep...I admit it. I rested on my spiritual laurels for far too long and now the spirit(s) has bashed me over the head and said, "Get a clue." On my more stable days, I can easily let go of the "plan" and God's "reasons" to just recognize that a great number of things happen for no reason at all. There is no plan. You're just lucky or unlucky. And, as my blog friend Aurelia pointed out this week...MANY human troubles can be traced back to the poor decisions of mankind...even those things that seem so out of our control.
The struggle really gets going in my brain on my unsure days. Because my lifetime belief system is so woven into the fabric of my being that it compels me to ask, "Really? Is that what you REALLY believe? (Self-doubt is a beautiful thing.) Can you really be sure? What if you chuck the idea of a grand plan and you're wrong?"
Yes, I believe in hedging my bets. I don't want to end up in hell if there is such a place. I don't want to be separated from my boys forever...with no hope of seeing them again. I just want to do what is right. But what is right? Who do you listen to? How do you EVER find a sense of peace? Am I just going insane?
I think I got the analogy wrong. God doesn't slam the door in my face upon inviting me to dinner. After further reflection, I see that a more accurate analogy to the invitation idea is that God invites me to dinner...I go in, sit down, eat an amazing dinner beyond my wildest dreams. At the second and third invitations, however, I am served a huge giant steaming pile of crap. Maybe God didn't actually prepare the food...maybe He did. Maybe it was the fault of the caterer...maybe God directed the caterer. Maybe God was just as surprised as me...maybe not. The answer to those questions matters when I consider the ultimate question...should I accept a fourth invitation?
And there is one comment I would like to respond to...
To me, it's been amazing to see how life seems to throw situations at me that challenge me in my weakest, sorest spots. Like the situations are crafted specifically for me, and if I don't take them as an opportunity to grow, then I don't get any further along life's path.
I can not...and will not...believe in a God that would kill an innocent child (or ALLOW an innocent child to die) in order to teach ME a lesson. I have grown as a person, yes. You may garner some comfort from your belief, but I personally recoil in horror at the thought that this situation...the one where TWO innocent children died...was crafted specifically for me.