Monday, March 12, 2007

God's plan

A bathroom ephiphany...
I need to know if God has a plan for me, and I need to know what it is, because I can't decide where to go until I know if I'm doing the right thing. It's not all about criticism and unhappiness. It's this one simple thing. Where do I go from here? (with a tip of the hat to Anam Cara)

If the plan is that I'm not supposed to have more living kids...then I will submit to that and NOT have more kids. I won't even try. I'm not going to beat my head against a brick wall. I won't try to outsmart you because I know I can't. You're bigger than me...you're stronger than me...you are God. I get it and I submit. UNCLE!

BUT...If the plan is that I AM supposed to have more living kids...then I will not-so-gladly oblige.

Just clue me in, will ya?

I feel paralyzed because I can't figure out the message.

If the plan is that I'm not supposed to have more living kids and I go ahead and try another pregnancy...or I try adoption...will that only result in more heartache and disappointment because I was too stupid to figure it out? I mean really...two dead kids should send a message loud and clear, shouldn't it?

If the plan is that I AM supposed to have more living kids...is it by pregnancy or adoption? Again, one would think that two dead kids would clarify the message, but it doesn't. Is it your desire or is it my fear? Are they one and the same?

I still want to add to our family. (There I said it.)

So is that just my selfishness? Is that God's will? Or is it just whatever I can find at any given moment to justify where I am and any luck (good or bad) that may happen to me? Someone once said to me, "Pray about the decision you have made. If you feel peace, it is the right decision. If you feel confused and inner turmoil, it is not the right decision." And here's where I do NOT understand...I have no problem with the DECISIONS. But the outcomes...TWO dead children...yeah...big problems. If I decide to try pregnancy again, then I simply mold the outcome to my belief set. Living child=God's will. Dead child=you were too stupid to get the message the last TWO times. Right?

So where is the comfort in any of this? I WANT to do what's right. I have asked God to show me what is right. I don't demand. I ask. And there is nothing but silence. Two dead kids and a whole lotta silence. It seems unfair and cruel to say there is a plan for everyone and then let them go stumbling around in the dark, making BAD decisions in direct opposition to that "plan"...to make them guess...when they so desperately just want to do the right thing...when they just want to make the RIGHT decision...the decision you want them to make. I'm not being bold and boastful...I'm not asking for all the answers...just a little help. A clue. A point in the right direction.

Someone said I should pray about my decisions and if I feel peace then I'm making the right decision...and if I feel turmoil, I'm making the wrong decision. And here's the thing. I was at peace with ALL of my decisions to get pregnant. But I have to do is look at the smashing disasters two of the three turned out to be to know I made the wrong decision.

So I am frozen by doubt. I was so SURE. I was sure this was my calling. After all the years of doubt, I knew I wanted to have a family. And then...well...you know the rest.

I doubt that I CAN make a decision that I would be at peace with. I second-guess myself at every step. Someone said that I should try, "Thy will be done." But can that really lessen the emotional investment? How does that protect you from the crushing blow of loss when it all goes so horribly wrong? It only serves to make me feel like more of an idiot to know that I made the wrong choice YET AGAIN.

My friend Treggles posted this in a comment to another post of mine and it deserves to see the light of day...
"Every week I come across this issue pastorally. How have we sold the world a God who is a controlling monster willing the death of children? I don't believe in the God portrayed by this poor suffering woman, but clearly there are some who have portrayed this God to her as a God of love. This cannot be. Just think about any loving relationship: is it controlling or freeing? Love frees the other person to be who they are, something-other-than-love tries to control the other person to be what they want them to be. God is a God of love, not of control. The two are mutually exclusive."

So here's the question, God...what DO you want me to do? Tell me. I will listen.

(poor suffering woman...that kind of makes me giggle given my obsession with how I will be remembered.

10 comments:

DD said...

I believe that it was not God's will for him to have 3 miscarriages. Why would I think it's now God's will for me to have one more live child?

I've talked about "signs" as well (and posted a picture of one I saw), but I still believe, in my heart, that *I* will ultimately make that decision.

Bronwyn said...

You will have to take this with a large grain of salt as I don't believe in God, at least in the traditional sense of a single supreme being who is responsible for everything that happens in the universe. I especially don't believe in a God that micro-manages human lives, or a God whom we can anger by exhibiting human foibles. If in your deepest heart you really feel that you want to expand your family one way or another, then don't you think God would be pleased if you tried to fulfill this deep desire? Put another way, even if God did have a "plan", there is no way we earthly beings could possibly know this plan in advance, we would only have an inkling as the various parts unfolded. So, we are left following our hearts and hoping that God's plan coincides, or at least that He gives us the strength to carry on if He has something else in mind. It's up to you to decide whether it would be better to stop know, enjoy the blessings of a small family, make the most out of being Sam's mom OR follow your heart and try to have more children, knowing the physical and emotional risks for you and your existing family. There is that adage about the biggest regrets in life being more about what we *haven't* done as opposed to what we have.

I can only imagine the quandary you're in right now. You know we're here for you as you try to hash things out -- there's an endless supply of rubbish advice to be had, lol!

Stacia said...

I have often wondered the same things. We have had 3 losses, all in 8 months. It took years to even get pregnant and then to lose them was bewildering. I believe that God wants us to have children. And that our bodies are imperfect, and not that God wants our babies to die. But I feel that I have been blessed with strength to deal and grow from my miscarriages. That is the part that I feel God has placed in these trials. He did not cause them, but he has helped me cope and not completely fall apart.

These are my feelings for my experiences. I pray that you will find answers soon that will comfort you and you can continue on. Stacia

kate said...

I tend to agree with bronwyn, that God doesn't micro-manage. And that usually there is no clear sign what is 'right' or 'wrong'...but i have a hard time exactly figuring out what i want to say in response to your post...i will think about this more.

Connie Reagan said...

For some reason what came to my mind when I read this is the verse that say "sufficient to the day is the evil thereof." What that basically means is take one day at a time.

Perhaps God is all for you trying again but loves you enough to know how hard that decision would be for you right now. I mean, who needs to feel pressured, especially from The Big Guy?

Artblog said...

Yup, I ask that question almost daily, I've given up now, as like you, no answers to my questions from the all mighty, so I guess as DD says, it's up to me, have you thought about that?

X Artblog

Jen said...

i don't have anything that wise to say either...i've been struggling a lot with this-almost 3yrs of infertility, we got pregnant but i had horrible complications involving heart failure, a blood clot and almost dying. We trust God and move in faith to get pregnant again, despite the risks involved b/c of my heart. And my baby DIES. WTF. And to add to that, my heart isn't doing well anymore. Awesome.

But, in making a decision for me, I have to take into consideration my physical and emotional health in terms of future children and how to "get" them-from my own womb or adoption, kwim? And I think God gives us the wisdom and doctors to help us make wise choices-it simply doesn't make sense to me, to have another pregnancy-with the emotional wreck I'd be because of stillbirth, and the physical danger of dicking around so much with my heart. So I think we will only pursue adoption at this point and it breaks my heart-but I trust God. I trust this is His path, and He led me to it, and He would never force me/us to go down it. We have free will. And in having free will, it can be so very scary to take that step out in faith, and trustfall. But, I guess that's just what I personally want my life to be a testament of. One big trustfall into God's arms, and I KNOW that it will be a testimony to others when they see how faithful God has been (even though honestly right now I'm still at the "I trust you God but WTH is going on here" stage)

I think you have to find peace with your choices, and consequences, and trust God to close or open doors accordingly.

The biggest thing for God IMO is that when He KNOWS you are trying to be in His will, He won't lead you astray. So if you say "ok i am stepping out in faith and going to try to get pregnant again IF it is your will God" and it is not His will, I would think that you just would not become pregnant, you know? I have spent a lot of time wishing I simply never EVER got pregnant with Catti-not only do I have the disappointment of no baby in my arms, but my heart function dropped again. It was worth going into heart failure for Mairi, but it was NOT *IMO* worth compromising my heart to have a dead baby. NO. But my friend told me every life has a purpose, and I have to believe Catti's life had a purpose, just b/c I don't know it right now, I believe it.

Anyway, I'm rambling as usual but just...*hugs*

JEN

Sherry (Hallesmom) said...

Catherine, I don't have any idea on what to say. I believe there is a higher power, but I also don't believe he micro-manages our lives. What does your dr think now? It seemed he thought before that the deaths weren't related, and he really didn't know what would happen in another pregnancy? Could you, and your family handle another death - if that were to happen? Just thinking about it breaks my heart for you :( I can't imagine how you'd pull through and move on from the death of another child. But that is my fear talking, and I hope it doesn't upset you. *hugs*

You are a wonderful mother, and I don't know how you are supposed to add on to your family, but if you don't feel that your family is complete I truly hope are able to complete it. No matter what you chose, I'll be here to support you.

GLouise said...

I'm not really sure what to say. I have similar questions...For example, why can't I conceive?

I do believe that there is a day where all things will be explained to us in Heaven, these things that we will never find answers for on earth.

Treggles said...

Catherine,

From your post it looks like you've quoted my own words, but as they were from my minister I showed him your post and he's asked me to post his reply. (I think he tried to comment but ran into technical difficulties!)

Hi

I'm a friend of Treggles, in fact it was me he quoted, so apologies for the "poor suffering woman", I only meant it to express something of my response to the awfulness of what you've been through.

Anyway, if I could respond to your question to God (steady): What DO you want me to do?

Everything I've read from you and others, and continue to hear from people in a wide variety of distressing situations, is suggestive of a God who is like a cosmic chess player. We are the pawns (or the queen, if we're lucky) he moves around. As a Christian minister I don't recognise this as the God I believe in. God is a God of invitation to participate in his infinite love and creativity. He invites us to be co-workers with him in this baffling world.

So, the question shouldn't be: "what do you want me to do?", but: "What should we do in this situation?"

I can't answer that question!

I hope this makes some kind of sense and is helpful as you struggle forward.