A bathroom ephiphany...
I need to know if God has a plan for me, and I need to know what it is, because I can't decide where to go until I know if I'm doing the right thing. It's not all about criticism and unhappiness. It's this one simple thing. Where do I go from here? (with a tip of the hat to Anam Cara)
If the plan is that I'm not supposed to have more living kids...then I will submit to that and NOT have more kids. I won't even try. I'm not going to beat my head against a brick wall. I won't try to outsmart you because I know I can't. You're bigger than me...you're stronger than me...you are God. I get it and I submit. UNCLE!
BUT...If the plan is that I AM supposed to have more living kids...then I will not-so-gladly oblige.
Just clue me in, will ya?
I feel paralyzed because I can't figure out the message.
If the plan is that I'm not supposed to have more living kids and I go ahead and try another pregnancy...or I try adoption...will that only result in more heartache and disappointment because I was too stupid to figure it out? I mean really...two dead kids should send a message loud and clear, shouldn't it?
If the plan is that I AM supposed to have more living kids...is it by pregnancy or adoption? Again, one would think that two dead kids would clarify the message, but it doesn't. Is it your desire or is it my fear? Are they one and the same?
I still want to add to our family. (There I said it.)
So is that just my selfishness? Is that God's will? Or is it just whatever I can find at any given moment to justify where I am and any luck (good or bad) that may happen to me? Someone once said to me, "Pray about the decision you have made. If you feel peace, it is the right decision. If you feel confused and inner turmoil, it is not the right decision." And here's where I do NOT understand...I have no problem with the DECISIONS. But the outcomes...TWO dead children...yeah...big problems. If I decide to try pregnancy again, then I simply mold the outcome to my belief set. Living child=God's will. Dead child=you were too stupid to get the message the last TWO times. Right?
So where is the comfort in any of this? I WANT to do what's right. I have asked God to show me what is right. I don't demand. I ask. And there is nothing but silence. Two dead kids and a whole lotta silence. It seems unfair and cruel to say there is a plan for everyone and then let them go stumbling around in the dark, making BAD decisions in direct opposition to that "plan"...to make them guess...when they so desperately just want to do the right thing...when they just want to make the RIGHT decision...the decision you want them to make. I'm not being bold and boastful...I'm not asking for all the answers...just a little help. A clue. A point in the right direction.
Someone said I should pray about my decisions and if I feel peace then I'm making the right decision...and if I feel turmoil, I'm making the wrong decision. And here's the thing. I was at peace with ALL of my decisions to get pregnant. But I have to do is look at the smashing disasters two of the three turned out to be to know I made the wrong decision.
So I am frozen by doubt. I was so SURE. I was sure this was my calling. After all the years of doubt, I knew I wanted to have a family. And then...well...you know the rest.
I doubt that I CAN make a decision that I would be at peace with. I second-guess myself at every step. Someone said that I should try, "Thy will be done." But can that really lessen the emotional investment? How does that protect you from the crushing blow of loss when it all goes so horribly wrong? It only serves to make me feel like more of an idiot to know that I made the wrong choice YET AGAIN.
My friend Treggles posted this in a comment to another post of mine and it deserves to see the light of day...
"Every week I come across this issue pastorally. How have we sold the world a God who is a controlling monster willing the death of children? I don't believe in the God portrayed by this poor suffering woman, but clearly there are some who have portrayed this God to her as a God of love. This cannot be. Just think about any loving relationship: is it controlling or freeing? Love frees the other person to be who they are, something-other-than-love tries to control the other person to be what they want them to be. God is a God of love, not of control. The two are mutually exclusive."
So here's the question, God...what DO you want me to do? Tell me. I will listen.
(poor suffering woman...that kind of makes me giggle given my obsession with how I will be remembered.