You know, last year's Christmas sucked. I gave up all hope of even attempting to have a good time and was pleasantly surprised when I actually enjoyed the day. The lead up to Christmas was painful and I did what little I had to do to not feel guilty for cheating Sam. I didn't do Christmas cards. I didn't attend holiday parties. I was not up for playing Secret Santa for anyone. I yelled and (quite literally) swore while we were putting up the Christmas tree. The only reason I put lights on the outside of the house was because I wanted the extra light to see myself up and down the stairs. And then, of course, we conceived Travis shortly after Christmas and I was ready to tackle this year.
Despite the stunning disaster that that conception and the entire year of 2006 turned out to be, I have decided that I will participate fully in Christmas this year. I signed us up for a ride on the Polar Express. I plan put up a tree and smile while I do it. I will decorate the exterior of our newly renovated house (and take picture, of course). I even plan to send out Christmas cards and participate in Secret Santas and other gift exchanges. I will bake yummy holiday goodies. I will attend holiday parties that I am invited to. I will be the personification of the Christmas spirit.
All I'm asking for is a little help. It is taking EVERYTHING I have to plaster a smile on my face without the aid of an alcoholic beverage. It is painful and I really just want to cry. But I am trying.
So when I hang a freaking Christmas decoration up, do not tell me how you, "don't like that sort of thing." Do NOT answer my questions about baking or decorating with an answer that even hints at how much of a chore you think it is. Don't give me a look like you disapprove of my happy attitude (even if we both know it's fake). Don't tell me how tired or sad or stressed you are, because quite frankly, I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IT!
Let me find a smile in a goofy decoration or a big ugly Christmas tree. Join me while I enjoy the newly fallen snow. Ask to share my holiday cookies instead of talking about calories. Let me have the illusion that it means something to send out a Christmas card to friends to let them know they are loved. Just play your part, ok?
I am going to find joy in this holiday season if it kills me, damn it.
I don't want to have to kill you to do it.