So Friday was the first time I spent any length of time with a pregnant friend since Travis died. And truth be told, I came up with eleven thousand excuses in my head to get out of having to confront this particular phobia at this particular point in time...what with the success of the "fake it till you make it" holiday campaign.
But I couldn't, in good conscience, turn my back on this particular friend. Maybe it is because I love this particular friend like a sister. Maybe it is because I know that this particular friend has suffered and I can justify good stuff happening to her. Maybe it's because I'm not as angry as I thought I was. Who knows. But I crammed down those potential excuses, took a deep breath, and off I went...
...and I'm glad I did.
And here is where the story takes a startling turn...
There was the standard sadness and pain and jealousy. But there was something else. I want to be pregnant.
Where the hell did that come from?!?!
Seriously, I was shocked and horrified and slightly nauseous as I drove home after the evening was over. I had been so sure I was done and now here I was JEALOUS of my friend. Not jealous in a "I hate you for being happy" kind of way...but in a "I really want what you have and I think I can have it too" kind of way.
Damn it all.