Sunday, December 10, 2006

My dear friend...secret confessions of the heart

So Friday was the first time I spent any length of time with a pregnant friend since Travis died. And truth be told, I came up with eleven thousand excuses in my head to get out of having to confront this particular phobia at this particular point in time...what with the success of the "fake it till you make it" holiday campaign.

But I couldn't, in good conscience, turn my back on this particular friend. Maybe it is because I love this particular friend like a sister. Maybe it is because I know that this particular friend has suffered and I can justify good stuff happening to her. Maybe it's because I'm not as angry as I thought I was. Who knows. But I crammed down those potential excuses, took a deep breath, and off I went...

...and I'm glad I did.

And here is where the story takes a startling turn...

There was the standard sadness and pain and jealousy. But there was something else. I want to be pregnant.

Where the hell did that come from?!?!

Seriously, I was shocked and horrified and slightly nauseous as I drove home after the evening was over. I had been so sure I was done and now here I was JEALOUS of my friend. Not jealous in a "I hate you for being happy" kind of way...but in a "I really want what you have and I think I can have it too" kind of way.

A...HOPEFUL way.

Damn it all.

Now what?!?!

10 comments:

Sweet Coalminer said...

Now the hoo-hoo dilly goes in the cha-cha and we hope and pray and hope and pray. I am hoping for you and Steve and your whole family. You definitely deserve a happy homecoming.

Holley said...

Okay, Cathy's post made me all teary eyed (in a good way) but the helpful explanation in the very first comment made me laugh out loud.

I would suggest you put a video (an extra long video) on for Sam and then you and Steve follow the above instructions and go break in the upstairs.

I'm lined up behind sweet coalminer with the hoping and praying part.

Big hugs to you, as always.
I love you lots too.

R said...

I don't think you're crazy at all. Why WOULDN'T you want to be pregnant? And why SHOULDN'T it work out for you?

Follow the instructions in post number 1. How about some chocolate body paint, too?

Aren't we all crazy to want to be pregnant/have babies/raise kids? I mean, what were we thinking? It's a freaking worry fest.

But then you see that little face, and, well, the crazy makes sense.

Anonymous said...

Shocking when that sudden desire comes up, hmm? Relax, think, breathe...welcome back to the world of "hoping it can be me too". And sweetcoalminer, I LOVE your comment. But maybe let the poor woman finish her Christmas shopping, K? :)

three minute palaver said...

I think if you realise you feel this way, then my 2cent opinion is start ttc again over xmas. and my xmas wish for you is a bfp asap.

Anonymous said...

I too have a friend who is pregnant, which I cannot avoid because we spend a lot of time together! We were 10 wks apart, she is due Jan. 18. (and I have 3 other friends due about the same time) With our Alex being gone I thought it would be hard for me. I also feel myself wanting to try again. Even though our Alex has been gone since Oct. 27 (he was a little early) I still don't know if I'm ready of if it just the feeling of being pregnant... had to say, but we have to wait until we meet with the hospital about the autopsy report, we don't know if Alex problems were genetic or not... please come to my site and read about us, you have to start way back in August to know the whole story.

Anonymous said...

Hee hee hee, follow sweet coalminer's instructions...

Seriously, i don't know...you just have to follow your heart. Very helpful advice, i know. I will just shut up now...

Anonymous said...

How nice to hear this! I'm writing this before reading the other comments, so I hope I'm not repeating anyone..but, in answer to your question: I would savor that feeling of hope. Revel in it, roll around in it, encourage it to grow and take root in you. Don't rush it, just let it grow on its own timetable, and eventually that little piece of hope will grow until it outweighs the fear.

Good for you for conquering your fears and seeing your friend...and for allowing yourself to feel hope again.

Sherri said...

I know your thoughts and feelings can and will fluctuate, and that fears will undoubtedly elbow their way in along the way, but I am so happy for you to have had a day where you could feel true hope and happy anticipation. I hope the coming new year is a much more happiness-filled one for you!

Laura said...

Okay, I've been here four times trying to think of something great to say. This might be "the good place" that we all strive to get to. Optimism and hopefulness have started to elbow their way through...and I think it's a really, really good thing. Just start having irresponsible sex and see what happens. That's what we're doing :)

I'm not sure if that was great, but it was said with a lot of love!