Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Home is where the heart is

I am a big fan of the list format for writing blog entries these days because it is all I can do to focus my brain on any one topic for longer than ten seconds. This is not a good thing for formulating legal arguments either. I am seriously amazed that I have not yet been fired, since my productivity level is down to absolute zero. Heck, the fact that I just used "productivity level" in a sentence (and think I actually used it correctly) is a feat in and of itself. Then I see headlines like this...Sleep-deprived doctors make more mistakes - study...and realize that I'm not the only one going through the motions. I mean really...they did a study on this? This sort of thing makes my work look like rocket science...and I'm a genius...comparatively speaking. But I digress.

So what's going on? What's the problem? The problem is that I just don't have the energy or the desire to care about anything that exists outside of my house. I'm beginning to think this is why they tell you not to undertake any major projects or make any life decisions while you're grieving...because it gives you a focus for your energy outside of the sadness...that can quickly become obsessive. I would say it is depression, except that I don't feel particularly depressed. I just lack any interest in the stuff that I don't have an interest in. That doesn't make much sense, does it? Let me rephrase.

I am feeling quite selfish with my time and attention. If I could do something that I LOVED 24/7, I would do it. If I could make a living crocheting or beading, or playing with my son or my animals, or working on my house, or writing...I would do it. Anything beyond those things and I just don't really give a care. I just don't GET anything from much anymore. I don't want to be a stay-at-home mom. Been there, done that and it's not my cup of tea. But it seems like something is missing when I leave the house for anything other than shopping (I like to shop).

Isn't there a stage of grief that is about resignation? Maybe that's it. I don't know. It sure is aggravating, whatever it is.

I want to be out and about DOING something. Moving my body and feeling something beyond the synapses firing in my brain. Too much thinking. I want to work yarn into something beautiful with my hands or run myself as fast as my legs will carry me across my yard...anything beyond sitting here dealing with peoples' lame legal questions. Really...who owns the dirt in a ditch...I don't have enough life left in me to concern myself with this crap.

Maybe it's time to find a new job. Wow! I typed that and paused and REALLY considered it. No...I don't want a new job. I like this job. It is comfortable for me and I don't want to lose that right now. I don't think I could deal with the change necessary for whatever were to replace it. I just feel like there is a cog stuck somewhere in my brain and I need to shake it loose. I just don't know how.


Anonymous said...

I remember having that feeling of just not caring about much, and realizing how utterly pointless my job was, about six months after losing my daughter. I still sort of feel that way but its easier to deal with now.

I think you are right to not think about a new job right now. Having something there that's comfortable, that you know how to do, is helpful during the times when we just can't expend any more energy than absolutely necessary.

I think it's a good sign, though, that there ARE things you want to do, things that you still care about. It's okay if your job isn't one of them.

Take care.

Hedda said...

I remember when.

I made major life decisions 8 weeks after my son dies. I quit my job, moved 800 miles, and started a whole new career. (Not really a career, but whatever.)

I can remember the days of not wanting to do anything. I can remember the days that I just wanted to stay home and do whatever I wanted to do.

It took me a year to realize I was depressed. I heard a lady who lost her four children at the hands of her husband tell some other mothers that they don't wash the dishes without help. They use soap, water, etc. What makes them think they can get through the death of their children without help?

I ask you the same question. If you need help to get through the death of your children (meds), why not get that help?

Holley said...

Technically, lack of interest in things is a symptom of depression. Now that I've really made your day, I do keep pondering starting a stitching store and we could have knitting/crocheting stuff and cool toys too (not all the plastic-y stuff you see in regular stores but some really fun unusual things).

Maybe someday.