I am a big fan of the list format for writing blog entries these days because it is all I can do to focus my brain on any one topic for longer than ten seconds. This is not a good thing for formulating legal arguments either. I am seriously amazed that I have not yet been fired, since my productivity level is down to absolute zero. Heck, the fact that I just used "productivity level" in a sentence (and think I actually used it correctly) is a feat in and of itself. Then I see headlines like this...Sleep-deprived doctors make more mistakes - study...and realize that I'm not the only one going through the motions. I mean really...they did a study on this? This sort of thing makes my work look like rocket science...and I'm a genius...comparatively speaking. But I digress.
So what's going on? What's the problem? The problem is that I just don't have the energy or the desire to care about anything that exists outside of my house. I'm beginning to think this is why they tell you not to undertake any major projects or make any life decisions while you're grieving...because it gives you a focus for your energy outside of the sadness...that can quickly become obsessive. I would say it is depression, except that I don't feel particularly depressed. I just lack any interest in the stuff that I don't have an interest in. That doesn't make much sense, does it? Let me rephrase.
I am feeling quite selfish with my time and attention. If I could do something that I LOVED 24/7, I would do it. If I could make a living crocheting or beading, or playing with my son or my animals, or working on my house, or writing...I would do it. Anything beyond those things and I just don't really give a care. I just don't GET anything from much anymore. I don't want to be a stay-at-home mom. Been there, done that and it's not my cup of tea. But it seems like something is missing when I leave the house for anything other than shopping (I like to shop).
Isn't there a stage of grief that is about resignation? Maybe that's it. I don't know. It sure is aggravating, whatever it is.
I want to be out and about DOING something. Moving my body and feeling something beyond the synapses firing in my brain. Too much thinking. I want to work yarn into something beautiful with my hands or run myself as fast as my legs will carry me across my yard...anything beyond sitting here dealing with peoples' lame legal questions. Really...who owns the dirt in a ditch...I don't have enough life left in me to concern myself with this crap.
Maybe it's time to find a new job. Wow! I typed that and paused and REALLY considered it. No...I don't want a new job. I like this job. It is comfortable for me and I don't want to lose that right now. I don't think I could deal with the change necessary for whatever were to replace it. I just feel like there is a cog stuck somewhere in my brain and I need to shake it loose. I just don't know how.