You know the great thing about grief? It doesn't hang on in a hard unyielding way. It cycles.
And I can officially declare the latest cycle over.
I notice that my cycles tend to flow with the announcements of pregnancy related matters in other women I know. Not their fault...not my fault...just a fact of life. I feel bad for myself for a day or two and then I find a way to move out of it. It is an incredible effort. I won't lie and say it's easy because it's not. Sometimes it doesn't even work and I have to try something else. I hate those days. When fighting my way up out of the darkness is an all-consuming effort. But I do it because I know that there is happiness still to be felt...smiles to smile (I think I'm beginning to sound like a greeting card writer so I will stop).
This time, I deliberately took out a box of cheesey Christmas decorations for the office and set about bringing some holiday cheer to this otherwise dreary place. I didn't hang any of them last year because I just didn't have it in me. This year I'm adopting that "fake it until you make it" philosophy. I might hate every single second of Christmas...then again I might not. But at least I will have the opportunity to escape the grip of grief and sadness for a few minutes here and there. And who knows...maybe grief/sadness/death will grow tired of fighting for my attention and finally leave me alone for good.