Friday, December 01, 2006

Give it a day

You know the great thing about grief? It doesn't hang on in a hard unyielding way. It cycles.

And I can officially declare the latest cycle over.

I notice that my cycles tend to flow with the announcements of pregnancy related matters in other women I know. Not their fault...not my fault...just a fact of life. I feel bad for myself for a day or two and then I find a way to move out of it. It is an incredible effort. I won't lie and say it's easy because it's not. Sometimes it doesn't even work and I have to try something else. I hate those days. When fighting my way up out of the darkness is an all-consuming effort. But I do it because I know that there is happiness still to be felt...smiles to smile (I think I'm beginning to sound like a greeting card writer so I will stop).

This time, I deliberately took out a box of cheesey Christmas decorations for the office and set about bringing some holiday cheer to this otherwise dreary place. I didn't hang any of them last year because I just didn't have it in me. This year I'm adopting that "fake it until you make it" philosophy. I might hate every single second of Christmas...then again I might not. But at least I will have the opportunity to escape the grip of grief and sadness for a few minutes here and there. And who knows...maybe grief/sadness/death will grow tired of fighting for my attention and finally leave me alone for good.


Hedda said...

My heart aches for you every day. I totally understand how you feel. Little by little things will get easier. But unfortunately you will never get your mind back.

Funny story, I let a friend borrow my maternity clothes. She had her son at 26 weeks. About 2 months later she was pregnant again. When she decided she needed maternity clothes again we talked about my clothes. She told me she gave me the clothes back. I swore she didn't. She figured her dh had taken it to Good Will with everything else. After her second son was born, I found the clothes in my attic. It's been 3 years since I lost my son.

Anonymous said...

It's powerful what a smile can do to lift your heart. It may not work the first or second time, but eventually...

You are on the right track. :)

Holley said...

Sometimes I think that escaping grief and sadness for a few minutes every now and then is pretty good, considering how the last two years have been for you and your family.

I wish it could be better.