I owe Steve big for today. I did the virtually unthinkable. I sent him to a five-year-old birthday party with Sam...without me. But I had to. I just couldn't take it. Not today. Some days I just can't deal.
We went to a birthday party for one of Sam's little girlfriends about a month ago. It was like a three hour root canal. Not because I didn't like the kids. Not because I didn't like the adults (though I did have high school flashbacks when only one other mother actually talked to me during the entire three hours...but that's a whole other bitch entirely). It's just because I just don't FEEL it. Happy Birthday to you. I just can't say it with any sense of meaning anymore. Birthdays are a miracle and I'm glad you were born...really...congratulations on getting your miracle. I want to vomit. And I don't say that in a sarcastic way. I say that in the literal, the idea of celebrating birthdays sometimes makes me feel physically ill, sort of way.
And of course, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that it's all probably psychological. I guess there is a part of me that will forever associate birth and death with one another. I have horrible images in my head. Horrible sounds and even more horrible silence.
Whatever it is deep in my unconscious, it makes it impossible for me to smile and celebrate while some spoiled child opens a zillion presents s/he probably won't even be playing with in a week. I can't do it. I can't make small talk with other mothers. I can't sing Happy Birthday and clap when they blow out the candles signifying another year of life.
I know this is my issue. I know that there are ways to cope that I could probably take advantage of. But the truth is, I'm just too tired to try today. I'll do better tomorrow. I'll take the next party, Steve. I promise.
Add to this, the fact that there is an adult type party I wouldn't have minded being invited to but wasn't. My mom speculates it's because another couple and their new baby were invited. Granted, this other couple is closer with the rest of the group of people who will be there. But I can't help but feel...I don't know...a little bit hurt.
I'll get over it.
That's what I'm good at these days.