Tuesday, May 01, 2007

ding ding ding ding! we have a winner!

Kathy said: The other thing is, once you get over the fear of ectopic, then you'll replace it with another worry.

It ain't a rational mind you're dealing with here folks. Want me to list some of the irrational things I've been worrying/obsessing about?

~I have a cold/sinus drainage thing going on. Oh My God! Infection! The baby is going to die.
~The dog stepped on my foot with her unclean paws and left a scratch. Oh My God! Infection! The baby is going to die.
~I have a pimple where you don't want to have a pimple. It became pussy and popped while wiping. Oh My God! Infection! The baby is going to die.
~The outdoor cat cannot rub against my legs. Oh My God! Infection! The baby is going to die.
~Constipation, diarrhea, gas...Oh My God! Infection! The baby is going to die.
~I took a jacuzzi bath with my son the other night and the tub wasn't exactly spic-n-span clean. Oh My God! Infection! The baby is going to die.

Are you sensing a theme here? I have dead baby nightmares at least once a day. And sometimes the obsession takes over and I have to just freak out a little bit. I imagine that I will, at some point, worry about things as remotely possible as the bubonic plague and malaria...just because I can...just because my mind is all fucked up like that.

I know there are a lot of things at work here. First and foremost, I simply do not shift gears this fast. I had been working on making peace with the idea of no more babies. I think I was even doing pretty good with that. Yes, I was sad and disappointed...but really overall doing pretty well. And then...BLAMMO! Now there are all these considerations and concerns to deal with.

I have always been a planner (hence, the name of this blog). I have never been unexpectedly pregnant and I doubt I would have done very well with this situation under the best of circumstances. This was all something that was supposed to go according to plan. You know...fall in love...get married...buy a house...decide to have kids...have kids...live happily ever after. You don't skip steps and you don't do the steps out of order...and you certainly don't add "have dead kids" in there anywhere. So now what?!?! The plan has already been shot to hell...so I've got nothing to lose, right? Wrong.

I don't deal well with change!

Oh...and I realized that I have been walking around sucking in my stomach since I found out I was pregnant. That's like doing Pilates all damn day. Geez, I wonder where my abdominal pain is coming from? I made a conscious decision to let out my gut yesterday and I felt better almost immediately. I don't need to move my appointment. It will be fine. I am 7weeks on Saturday. Having an u/s before that could be a waste of time and I don't want to waste anyone's time. I'm good. We're good. My boobs are feeling fuller and the snot drainage has initiated my gag reflex. Still pregnant for today. Still mental...but still pregnant.


MB said...

You know, sometimes you just have to get through the day the best way you know how. If that means you're wacko for a few months, then you know, what's a few months out of years of life? There will always be something to worry about. I am scared to death to have sex...poor Jim. I'm scared to pick up my daughter. We all have our lists.

None of it is rational after what we've been through. There is no normal. You just have to do the best you can.

Ruby said...

Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way.

I like the new "happier" page design :)

Kathy McC said...

I couldn't help but chuckle at this. This sounds so farmiliar I almost get panicky just thinking about it.

I hope I wasn't too blunt there. But it's true. There will always be lots of things to worry about. And there's no way around it.

I just learned to ignore people who said, "don't worry everything will be fine" and fantasize about them tripping and falling or something (kind of like the penguin pushing the other one into the water).

I am bad...

Athena said...

Just so you know, you are not alone. I have thoughts like that, and I'm not even pregnant again. The what-if's can drive you crazy. I think we're just human. If we didn't worry about something, at some point and time, we wouldn't be.[human] I like this "If that means you're wacko for a few months, then you know, what's a few months out of years of life? There will always be something to worry about." She's right. We have to press on, or we'll consume ourselves! A mother is always worried about her babies. I know this is difficult for you, thanks for sharing. I know that in itself is difficult to do. You are among friends who understand, you are in my prayers, really.

AJW5403 said...

I applaud you for being so honest about your fears. I was way more scared then I let on to anybody. There were so many fears going round and round in my head but I never told anybody about them in fear of what they might stay to me. Even as I was pushing Gavin out I thought I would going to have a panic attach because I was so afraid that when he would come out the Doctor would say “I’m sorry your baby is very sick.”. See my fear was mainly about my child being healthy since Emma was so sick. You name it I thought he had it and the Doctors just did not see it on u/s. I also had a huge fear that they messed up my sample from the amnio and the results we got were not correct.

I am glad you are putting your fears out there. Hopefully this way they won’t eat you up and make you go crazy.

pipsylou said...

Catherine? Seriously? Welcome to the world of OCD. I struggle with random worries ALL day long. And they don't go away. I am thinking of you.

What about this? Alive baby! Very alive baby! Replace those thoughts with that one.

This is going to be the longest 7 months in the history of the universe for you and all of us. but we are all here for you!

pipsylou said...

let me also add that reading these blog entries takes me back to june of last year. you sound like me talking. i was so totally convinced that this baby was going to have some terrible birth defect that wouldn't be "compatible with life", as they say. for those of us who have been through pregnancy trauma, the fears are REAL. and like mb said, sometimes, it's all you can do to get through the day. or forget for a minute you're pregnant, and enjoy the sunset or eat a candy bar. then the fear comes down again over you, like a veil. that mind-thrashing fear. Oh, how I can relate.

this is also why when i start comparing myself/my situation to other pregnant woman, especially when i am pregnant, I tell my mind, "shut up." that woman has no idea what it's like to go through x, y, or z, so why would i compare my pregnancy/reactions to my pregnancy to hers?

i'm still processing all that happened with my pregnancy with asher; all the stuff i'm beating myself up over in regards to his c-section birth, blah, blah, blah. i should have been stronger, waited longer, blah, blah, blah. you do what you have to do to make it through the day.

so do that. what will it be today? posting here? long walk? laughing at the antics of steve and sam?

AmyO said...

Ditto to the rest of the comments.

One day at a time and lots of cleansing breaths.

I keep praying and sending lots of good postive thoughts your way.

Aurelia said...

Yep, too many DBTs to count. (Dead Baby Thoughts, a la Tertia)

So yes, try to talk yourself down from the non-rational thoughts, but Catherine, I don't think anyone would say you were wasting their time if you did come in more often for U/S. Try to strike a balance, and hopefully it will help.

And on that subject, are you going to see a therapist? Cause we all love you and will support you all the way, but someone in person might be very helpful. Mine started as my therapist, & ended up being my support person while in labour along with hubby. Then we carried on for a little while after my son arrived safe and sound, sort of like a preventative thing against too much grief?

Kendra's mom said...

Oh my god! I haven't read any blogs for about a week and as I start reading yesterday's post I think WTF! I was just checking in to see how you are holding up now that we're into May. Wow. Life is a strange thing indeed. Ditto to what everyone else has said and I will be thinking of you all the time. I truly hope that all the positive thoughts directed at this baby will help him/her to grow strong and healthy. And help his/her mom and dad stay strong throughout the pregnancy.
{{{{{{{{MANY MANY BIG HUGS}}}}}}}}

Sarah said...

I have never had a loss, and I find my self paranoid all the time that something is wrong with the baby. Given your history, I don't know how you couldn't be. Hang in there Kate. **long distance hug**