Kathy said: The other thing is, once you get over the fear of ectopic, then you'll replace it with another worry.
It ain't a rational mind you're dealing with here folks. Want me to list some of the irrational things I've been worrying/obsessing about?
~I have a cold/sinus drainage thing going on. Oh My God! Infection! The baby is going to die.
~The dog stepped on my foot with her unclean paws and left a scratch. Oh My God! Infection! The baby is going to die.
~I have a pimple where you don't want to have a pimple. It became pussy and popped while wiping. Oh My God! Infection! The baby is going to die.
~The outdoor cat cannot rub against my legs. Oh My God! Infection! The baby is going to die.
~Constipation, diarrhea, gas...Oh My God! Infection! The baby is going to die.
~I took a jacuzzi bath with my son the other night and the tub wasn't exactly spic-n-span clean. Oh My God! Infection! The baby is going to die.
Are you sensing a theme here? I have dead baby nightmares at least once a day. And sometimes the obsession takes over and I have to just freak out a little bit. I imagine that I will, at some point, worry about things as remotely possible as the bubonic plague and malaria...just because I can...just because my mind is all fucked up like that.
I know there are a lot of things at work here. First and foremost, I simply do not shift gears this fast. I had been working on making peace with the idea of no more babies. I think I was even doing pretty good with that. Yes, I was sad and disappointed...but really overall doing pretty well. And then...BLAMMO! Now there are all these considerations and concerns to deal with.
I have always been a planner (hence, the name of this blog). I have never been unexpectedly pregnant and I doubt I would have done very well with this situation under the best of circumstances. This was all something that was supposed to go according to plan. You know...fall in love...get married...buy a house...decide to have kids...have kids...live happily ever after. You don't skip steps and you don't do the steps out of order...and you certainly don't add "have dead kids" in there anywhere. So now what?!?! The plan has already been shot to hell...so I've got nothing to lose, right? Wrong.
I don't deal well with change!
Oh...and I realized that I have been walking around sucking in my stomach since I found out I was pregnant. That's like doing Pilates all damn day. Geez, I wonder where my abdominal pain is coming from? I made a conscious decision to let out my gut yesterday and I felt better almost immediately. I don't need to move my appointment. It will be fine. I am 7weeks on Saturday. Having an u/s before that could be a waste of time and I don't want to waste anyone's time. I'm good. We're good. My boobs are feeling fuller and the snot drainage has initiated my gag reflex. Still pregnant for today. Still mental...but still pregnant.