Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Guilty conscience

Yesterday at work, someone looked at my belly and asked, "Is there something we should know?" I couldn't lie. My secret is out.

While driving home yesterday, I imagined what it would be like to hold actually this baby after a live birth. I felt his weight (no, I don't know anything...I just have a feeling). I could see his eyes. I touched his skin. I could feel him move...breathe.

Last night I had incredibly angry dreams in which I screamed curse words at people I love for no apparent reason. Even as I was doing it I knew it was wrong...but I felt this primal urge to inflict the pain of my personal frustration on them.

There is a certain amount of freedom in the truth.

There is even more freedom in dreams.

I feel like I cheated Travis out of my dreams. I never imagined him as anything more than a half-baked little baby. I'm not sure I truly believe in self-fulfilling prophecies, but I still carry a certain amount of guilt for any part I may have played in his fate. As scary as it may be, I can not do that to this baby. If it means I have to sit down every day and force myself to think good thoughts, then that's what I'm going to do. If only to make myself feel better later...if only as a means to ease my guilt.

But those are not the only reasons I'm going to force the happy thoughts.

I'm going to do it because it made me smile. I'm like an addict now. I WANT the happy ending. But since I know I'm not guaranteed that...I'm going to take the happy moments where I find them.

Even if they are just in my daydreams.


Sherri said...

I'm so glad you are finding moments of long overdue true joy. I am excited for you and I am praying wishing and hoping that the joy this sweet surprise baby brings continues and ultimately lands in your arms healthy and warm and wrinkly and soft this winter!

marcia said...

Oh, girl...I sooooo admire your honesty, courage and determination!I'm with you all the way, for what it's worth from someone you don't know at all except for a connection through pipsylou's blog! I'm glad your secret is out at work! Even though some of those people seem clueless, I assume most of them have good intentions and will be added support for you in the months ahead. Loved the pics of your big birthday weekend! That Sam is one cool kid! And I do believe he knows how much he is loved! :)

AmyO said...

Catherine- Keep those happy thoughts! I'm so excited for you. I know I tend to be a lurker on your blog, please send some happy thoughts my way today. Waiting for the doctor to call to see if Pregnancy #5 is Ectopic. Ultrasound was inconclusive yesterday. Thank you for your sharing and strength.

Sara said...

Catherine - I have those angry dreams too. And I'm amazed sometimes that they bleed over into life (still in my head though and then it's just at the world in general).

Keep those happy thoughts coming. I'll be thinking them for you too.

miraclebaby said...

I wish you the happy ever after and all the little "happies" in between.

Kellie said...

You take those good moments when you can get them Catherine. Please don't feel guilty for wanting and needing them, and certainly don't deny yourself those chances. You've earned them, and they are a gift from the baby you're carrying.

It's ok.

PS. I miss you.

kate said...

I am glad you are having those good moments, and forcing more. I am picturing a happy ending for you too!

Aurelia said...

We do have to take those happy moments where we can find them, don't we?

Please do enjoy this pregnancy as much as you can, pictures, belly casting, happy thoughts, support groups, anything that helps you mentally make it through the next day.

dbm/gaa said...

Smiling is good, I like smiling. I'm going to think positive thoughts and smile along with you if that's alright with you.

Brenda said...

Im glad you are getting to have a smile over this bub. Even if its only for a minute!

It would be so nice to be able to enjoy.


Bon said...

you sound as though, by virtue of impressive self-awareness and effort, you're in a damn good place, Catherine.

you keep daydreaming.

and i wish i knew what to say about Travis, about the feeling you cheated him. i know that feeling, or its sister or brother...probably a lot of us do. letting the guilt of it go took me awhile...letting the wondering about it go is taking even longer, and may never stop.

so i think your plan is a wise, wise one.


Sherry said...

I've been MIA from the blog world, but I was so happy to return and see your news!

Many, many hugs and prayers coming your way. = )

Windfall Woman said...

Like Sherry above, I've been MIA from the blog world also, but I too was happy to see your announcement. Hope everything wonderful happens this time!