As I drove out of my work parking lot on my way to my appointment, I had this overwhelming sense of alone-ness. Not loneliness...I do not feel lonely. Alone-ness...as in, I am alone in this.
I was headed to meet my amazing husband at my spectacular doctor's office and I carried all the well-wishes of friends and family with me. But I was alone.
This is all up to me. My body.
No matter what happens, I know that there will be people I can turn to for love and support (and hopefully congratulations and celebration). But no matter what happens I am alone.
And no matter how amazing everyone is, it's still all up to me...just me.
That is an awe-inspiring yet terrifying responsibility.
8 comments:
congrats on the beautiful U/S yesterday. The pic is stunning.
and in this post today you described exactly how I have felt throughout this subsequent pregnancy of mine, so I completely understand and 'get this' feeling you have.
and I still am thinking of you daily and have all fingers and toes crossed for everything to be perfect this time around.
That is really true. It's so scary not to trust your body---I feel the same way.
I think that is partly why I haven't gotten too wound up about this one of mine, yet. What if my body fails me again?
Lovely ultrasound and so glad that all is going well for you and GB.
I completely agree. I have no trust in my body, the bloodwork numbers, the ultrasounds. It is hard to get excited and so lonely.
Great u/s photo. Yay, GB.
I had two losses, then a successful pregnancy. I too was keenly aware that in the end, however it ended, the buck would stop at me and me alone. Not that a loss would be my fault, but that it was *my* body, *my* procedures, *my* recovery and nobody else could relieve me of having to walk down those roads.
As much as we attempt to make the process "mutual", you are right. It is what it is.
Alone and sometimes lonely...yes that makes sense. But GB is in there doing her*/his work too!
*I'm also having girl vibes for you, I have no idea why but I am.
I remember that feeling very well. As I got toward the end of my last pregnancy I specifically remember telling my husband that I couldn't wait until the baby was born so that I would no longer be the only one charged with keeping her alive. It really was terrifying.
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