Monday, May 14, 2007

Mother's Day Miscellaneous Thoughts

Time for the obligatory Mother's Day review...yummy breakfast in bed (waffles with whipped cream and strawberries)...adorable living son...two dead boys...mom over for a visit...first grilled burgers of the summer...pregnancy tiredness...planting flowers at the cemetery...blah...blah...blah. I almost can't even bring myself to type it. It feels like an old LP where the needle is stuck and you keep hearing the same couple of lines over and over again. But yet there are a few odds and ends that seem to be looking to be said out loud. I don't know why. Here they are, in no particular order...

~I have the best husband in the whole world. Seriously. And I love him more than I can possibly ever say.

~It occurs to me today that I never lit the boys' birthday candles. We were so busy that I simply forgot. Actually, Travis doesn't even HAVE a birthday candle yet. I forgot to order it. Nice job. And now I'm wondering about the propriety of lighting a candle for them now...maybe tonight when I get home from work. meh...I guess they won't really care, will they?

~I deliberately did not give in to the urge to pull their stuff out and look through it for their "birthdays." Part of me longs to drag it all out and feel close to them. But I knew it would send me on a downward spiral that I just didn't feel like dealing with...so I forced the urge down. I wonder if it will always feel like this...like I'm at war with myself.

~Mother's Day was...in a word...weird. My grandma is gone. Two of my boys are gone. But one of my boys is still here (and cute as a button). I'm pregnant (again). Mom was there. I was there. But it was like a jigsaw puzzle where the pieces don't seem to fit together the right way.

(This space is reserved for a photo of the pretty purple flowers we planted at the cemetery for Alex and Travis.)

~I am, in a word, hostile. If I hear one more woman complain about mother's day being a disappointment because their husband didn't make them breakfast or get them a nice gift I am going to lose it. I planted flowers for my two dead sons...so shut up. Yeah, hostile is a good description.

~OCD tendency of last week...checking the comments to the posts for Travis and Alex...and making sure they both received more than 40 comments. It was oddly important to me that both boys were remembered equally (when I don't even remember them equally). And even more than the count, I took note of who commented where...and who didn't comment. It was as if I was keeping score. That's what I do now...place importance on unimportant things. I think it's my own personal way of keeping them 'alive.' I don't know. My head is all messed up.

~Apologies to my parents for passing out on them after lunch yesterday. I had a realization this morning. The label for the Zyrtec says, "may cause drowsiness." Uh...yeah. I am going to fall asleep here at my desk sometime today too, I'm sure. I miss my Claritin.

~In answer to a question that was asked here and by mom...the doc didn't give us a picture of the u/s. And we were feeling so much adrenaline from the whole experience that we didn't think to ask for one.

~I would like to share a statement I found on another blog.

Motherhood is only gained, never lost.

~Hey J - is it June yet?

4 comments:

Lisa P. said...

" took note of who commented where...and who didn't comment."

I hope I'm not a bad person for not commenting. :( Some may say that I have an excuse but I'm sorry I didn't say anything in their memory nevertheless.

Renae said...

Catherine,

I was one who didn't comment. I'm not sure why but I think I kind of feel like I'm not worthy enough to comment. I stumbled on your blog sometime between Alex and Travis and still kind of feel like an interloper when I read. I wanted to comment to let you know I was thinking of you and all of your boys and praying for all of you during this pregnancy but, again, just didn't feel like I should.

Would you mind dropping me an e-mail though?

Thanks,
Renae

Stephanie said...

Motherhood is only gained, never lost.

Wow. Powerful words.

JMB said...

I don't have anything profound to add-the tendancies aren't weird, just a mom protecting her boys. As you noted, you're always going to be their mom, and no matter how much time passes, that fact isn't going to change.

Unless there is some other medical reason, one of the ONLY options that I have for my allergies (at least according to my OB) is Claritin (which works pretty darn well) and Benadryl, which works but does a number on me. Claritin has saved me during these awful, pollen and mucas-filled past couple weeks. Now prop yourself up at your desk so you look like you're intently reading something-works for me every time!