Wednesday, July 19, 2006

good news v. bad news

I told Dr. A to set it up and today I'm going for all the bloodwork that will hopefully reveal with is wrong with me.

It's strange to think that I should be pregnant at this moment. I am so emotionally far removed from that experience right now that I can barely believe it. I don't put much stock in the "should have beens" anymore. I think of them now as "might have beens." But now I think of all the might have beens in my life and I feel very very small and powerless. But forcing myself to think about this at this particular moment has made me feel...well...strange. I should be worrying about serial ultrasounds and possible amnios to check for lung maturity...in an effort to manage my pregnancy. Manage my pregnancy...ha...that's funny now. But I don't have any of that. I have, in its place, the worry of what is wrong within my body. What "thing" lurks there? And will it reveal itself?

It's weird waiting for bad news. So much different than waiting for good news. I mean, I know there's something wrong with me. We just need to name it. If I were pregnant I would know I was pregnant...and we would just need to name it. ha! I guess it's not so different after all.

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Oh...I almost forgot. I get to go with Sam to the pediatrician today. I hope to thank him for the oh-so-helpful advice he gave us last August.

4 comments:

Kathy McC said...

I can't believe that this doctor really thinks that kids are THAT oblivious. What a jackass. Hell, my son still remembers that he has two siblings in heaven and I didn't even get past the first trimester with either of them. How could he possibly think that Sam would benefit from glossing over it all?

Yikes. Hope his appointment goes well regardless.

Sherry (Hallesmom) said...

Good luck at Sam's appointment. I'm not sure what I'd say to the ped this time, but I'm sure I'd say something. Maybe give him a children's book on handling death? That ped needs to catch a clue!

And as for the waiting of the news, *hugs* I think I can safely say we are all waiting by your side and are here for you.

kate said...

Good luck with your tests, and also with Sam's idiotic doctor. Thinking of you! ((((hugs)))))

Anam Cara said...

Maybe you could get a new pediatrician because it seems he doesn't really understand children too well.
I hope you everything goes ok at your appointment and that they will be able to find some answers for you. (((hugs)))