Wednesday, July 26, 2006

It's not fair!

I want to kick and scream and rail at the universe. IT'S NOT FAIR! Despite knowing that I don't deserve what I get...despite knowing that there is no universal justice at work...despite knowing that I'm strong and I can survive this and blah, blah, blah...I want to yell it out...IT'S NOT FAIR! I know I sound childish and that's how I feel.

I watched my son throw a temper tantrum this morning because he didn't want to take his allergy medicine. Pouty lips, furrowed brow, arms crossed in defiance across his chest, dropping to sit cross legged on the floor...I didn't want to be the mom and overcome this obstacle. I wanted to join him. No...I wanted to BE him.

It's not fair that all I have of my boys is ultrasound and dead baby photos. I cherish those photos and hate them all at the same time. They are my boys. But they are all I will ever have of my boys.

It's not fair that they will never get to do ANYTHING. No smiles, no tears, no booboos to kiss, no snuggles at night, no 'I love you's,' no bad jokes, no accomplishments to celebrate...NOTHING.

It's not fair that this may be all we get by way of happiness. We wanted two kids. Not much by way of greed, I don't think.

It's not fair, it's not fair, IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!

Someone on a message board whose first son was stillborn said something yesterday that really got to me. She has had a subsequent miscarriage and a subsequent live baby. She said that when she lost her son and had her miscarriage, she was sad. But now that she has her living son, she is even more sad because now she KNOWS what she lost. And I can't help but think to myself...I knew what I lost...TWICE...and it's not fair!

I feel guilt that I can't feel unmitigated joy and happiness anymore. All I feel is this emptiness and this anger and this desire to pitch a fit that would rival any my four-year-old could dish out. I try to function each day...filling my time with activity after activity so that I don't have time to sit and think and feel sorry for myself. But then I just resent the activities...thinking, "It's not fair that I have to be here...doing this...instead of where I really want to be...doing what I want to do." Oh God, I want my babies back. I want my soul back. I want to feel something other than this.

It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair!


deadbabymama said...

I agree with the woman on the message board. Every day I watch O and think of what could have been and it hurts. And it isn't fair.

One Mother's Journey said...

You're right, it isn't fair. There is nothing fair about it. It's the most fucking unjust thing in the world.

Not a day goes by that I don't imagine how different my life would be. How different my family would be. It gets easier to breathe as the years pass by but the pain goes nowhere.

It's like being haunted.

kate said...

No, it's not fair, and it never will be fair. And you have every right to pitch a fit about it. I have nothing to offer but that.

And, of course, cheesy internet ((((((hugs))))))

W said...

Your right Catherine, it's not fair. I say go ahead throw a tantrum and get out some of that anger and hurt.

Bronwyn said...

Throwing a tantrum feels really good sometimes. I don't have anyone to shield from my outbursts (during the day), so I have the luxury of tantruming at will. Sometimes there's nothing else you can do but scream and cry and throw pillows... and that's really not fair.

vixanne wigg said...

Man, Cathy. You're right. It's not fair. You are more that justified in throwing a great big giant tantrum.

msfitzita said...

It's not fair at all. None of it.

And I'm so, so sorry.

Ranting along at the universe with you...