I found out a friend had a miscarriage in late May. She didn't tell me until now because she was worried about me. I think part of it was that she wasn't ready to tell either...but that's neither here nor there. The more fascinating thing to come out of this is that I am STILL completely clueless. You'd think I'd have the right words by now. But nooooo...I'm still a bumbling idiot. I hope I haven't said the wrong things to her. God knows I don't want to make her feel any worse.
There is so much I WANT to say to her. Like how you don't have to weigh your loss against other people. Like how it's ok to feel sad about the lost should-have-beens. Like how it's ok to not feel sad too. Like how I wish so much that this hadn't happened to her. But I don't want to overstep and cross that line into 'none of your damn business.'
Maybe she'd rather pretend it never happened. Maybe she'd like to analyze it to death. I don't know. So I say the things I think I should say and leave her to take the lead on what she wants to talk about. And then I worry that I'm making her think I don't want to talk about it because I'm not talking about it. But I don't want to talk about it if she doesn't and make her think I'm forcing her to talk about it.
Jesus Christ! This SUCKS! There are no right answers. For the first time, I'm really seeing it from my friends' point of view. What can they say to me? When should they say it? How should they say it? Do they say anything at all?
I know I've been difficult to figure out, but I never truly appreciated the no-win nature of this horrible thing that happens WAY.TOO.OFTEN. We shouldn't have to do this...this figuring out this horrible path.
And what's the deal? I mean...I have far more experience on this path of grief and I still don't know a damn thing. So what was the point of it all? Just to suffer? Must stop that train of thought there...before it runs me over...again.
I love my friend. I think she knows that. I hope she knows that. I would do anything to make this not have happened to her. To make it all go away. The sadness. The fear. The sense that things will never be quite "right" again. But the most I can do is struggle to figure out what to say. I hope she doesn't mind that I haven't learned anything. I hope she forgives me when I say or do the wrong thing.