Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Surprise surprise

Are you treating other human beings with respect, kindness, and honesty?

I would have to say I have fallen short on this one. It seems it's so easy to fall into the "woe is me" trap and EXPECT to be treated a certain way. And then, when you're not treated that way, to bitch and moan about it. To criticize. To mock. It's so easy, when you're grieving, to think of yourself as the worse off person in the group. But are you? Do you know every single little thing that is going on around you? Do you know if the person next to you just lost a loved one? If they are sick and dying? Do you know it all?

During the last couple of months, some things have been brought home to me time and time again. I have been loathe to admit them because I've been so angry and frustrated with the way my life has turned out. But the fact is that I have not used respect toward many (including my darling husband). I have lost some of my kindness in my feeling sorry for myself. And my honesty...the thing I say I value above all else...I am the biggest hypocrite when it comes to my own honesty.

I'm frustrated and angry...so I yell. I yell about the dumbest things you could ever imagine. Mostly, I yell at my husband. Why? Because he is a safe place. Because he'll take it. Because he thinks I'm a loon and doesn't worry too much about my yelling...and he loves me anyway. And that's a wonderful thing. But where is my respect? Did I misplace it somewhere? I really need to find it again.

I faced off against another attorney who I said all sorts of derogatory things. He was an idiot. He was completely unprepared. You name it, I used it to criticize his performance. Only days later did I find out he has an aggressive form of cancer and is dying. Yes, he lacked the skills necessary for lawyering. And yes, maybe he was sloppy and owed us all a bit more attention (even if it meant getting off the case). But now that I know WHY all that happened I think two things...(1) I'm a big mouthed idiot who needs to shut the hell up; and (2) that poor man. I'm sad that my kindness didn't show on that day.

And honesty. This one makes me snort with self-derision. Who am I to think that people should be more honest or more open? I sit in front of a computer screen and spew out those things I'm too cowardly to say out loud. I talk about how people should stand up for what is right, but I let moments slide past when I have the perfect opportunity to speak the truth. I suppose it's a means to protect myself. But that is not an adequate excuse.

Surprise surprise...look what I found under this rock? Myself. And I'm ugly this way.

3 comments:

kate said...

What is this, kick-yourself day? You should read what i was writing about earlier...

Maybe we should have a 'National Kick-Yourself Day', when we can all loudly proclaim our many faults. And then go buy each other a beer...

I'm sorry for what happened with that other lawyer. But we all make mistakes...i would say that you are probably doing the best you can with what you've been dealt, and overall you are doing it pretty well.

AJW5403 said...

I so understand this post. I do most of my yelling at my husband also, but I am not to nice to others also.

I told my husband the other night that I am going to try my hardest to change and not be so mean.

One hay I have delt with things is to just be nasty and plan ugly.

Sweet Coalminer said...

Dude, there was no way you could have known. Do. Not. Beat yourself up.

It's hard when you're hurting to think about other people. Being kind and thoughtful takes energy, and when you're directing all your energy to healing yourself, there's nothing to spare for kindness. Take all the time and energy you need to get back on your feet.