Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Happy Third Trimester

I know it's morose and probably more than a little morbid to track a pregnancy that is no longer. I know it's incredibly sad to monitor the death of a dream in days and weeks and trimesters. I know it's not really healthy to think so much about what should have been. I know all these things, yet I can't help myself. Yesterday would have marked the beginning of the third trimester. But instead, Travis is two months gone. I can barely wrap my mind around it all.

It generally hurts less. Or maybe I'm so desensitized to the pain that it hurts the same but I just don't notice. It generally hurts like a bruise. You know it's there, but it doesn't really bother you until something brushes against it. So everything I feel is there, gently aching just beneath the surface until something reminds me of what should be. And even in the should be's there is conflict. In wishing for one, I dismiss the other. In wishing for Alex, Travis disappears. In wishing for Travis, Alex remains gone. It's a no-win dreamworld anymore.

I feel the need to address certain comments here...

~I did get my hair cut during my little hiatus a couple weeks back. Your kind comments are appreciated, since I've been snipping little bits here and there to "fix" the brown football helmet the "hairdresser" left for me to wear on my head. It's nice to know I haven't messed it up too badly.

~I welcome lurkers. Lurk away. While I write for myself...if it helps someone to read my ramblings, then I'm glad to have helped.

~I have two doctors. My OB is a high risk OB. And I have the head perinatologist. They are both with the Cleveland Clinic. I have no doubt that they are the best at their respective professions. I do believe that Dr. A's emails to me have been less than specific. And I will have a sit-down with the both of them to discuss why this happened and what the future holds. Like I told Dr. A, I am not going into another attempt on faith alone. There better be something to hang onto or I won't be able to do it.

~I'm surprised no one has recommended an HSG or hysteroscopy to actually look around in there.
ummm...I have no idea what these things are. I will consult Dr. Google and ask the actual doctors about them when I talk to them about my ever-growing list of topics.
Dr. Google tells me these are for polyps, adhesions, fibroids, septums, and abnormal bleeding. Got none of that. My problem is chronic inflammation of the uterine lining and the placenta, with anemia (possibly caused by the inflammation), which is indicative of infection but not determinative.

~I will wait to make any final decisions. I'm in not position to decide the color of my socks in the morning right now, let alone life altering decisions. Which explains the combination of black tennis shoes with brown pants and a brown striped shirt today. I don't want to f*** up a BIG decision like I've obviously f****d up my fashion sense. In all seriousness, it took me seven months to figure out what to do after Alex died. I'm on a faster track this time...but not so fast that I can possibly figure it all out in two months.

~Thank you to everyone who listens to me scream and yell and whine and complain. And thank you to anyone willing to join me in a tantrum. You are all the best. I know you have things going on in your own lives that keep you busy. I know that it takes a lot to read about my inner turmoil day in and day out. It really means a lot to me to know that you are willing to spare a thought for me...especially knowing that you don't have to...and that life is so much more comfortable if you don't. Thank you.

~Cups I can throw away! Why didn't I think of THAT? Thank you! Now the strike can officially begin!

~The house renovation preparation moves along...SLOWLY. I want my jacuzzi tub now!

~The pepper is yummy. I ate about a third of it and put the rest in the fridge. I plan to put it in my crockpot chicken for tomorrow's dinner.

So...Happy Third Trimester! I bet I have more complaints about the third trimester than most women. (sorry...morbid again...I just can't shake that)

Off to get some work done and try to distract myself from this crappy crappy day. I hope it doesn't rain. I would really like to go home and pick any blackberries that the birds haven't eaten.


Lisa P. said...

I kept a Lilypie tracker in my Yahoo "signature" (but didn't use it) for almost eight months after my second loss. I went to finally remove it the other day and saw that it now read "congratulations on the birth of your baby -- get a first birthday tracker now." No, don't think I'll be doing that.

I'm lurking. I'm reading. I'm feeling so much for you that sometimes I cry myself.

I wish we'd had the chance to have the big meetup I wanted to plan, before everything turned upside down, yet again, for so many of us.

miraclebaby said...

All the way to my due date I did the countdown of how far I would have been. And I still do the "this is how old she would be now" thing.

And you are very smart not to make any permanent decisions about anything at this point. I already have people telling me I should get a tubal so I won't get pregnant again.... uh, yeah. Thanks.

Bronwyn said...

I enjoying listening to you scream and yell; it makes me feel less alone in my lunacy :)

I hope you get to those blackberries before the birds. I managed to get a handful from my bushes the other day, just enough for a couple bowls of berries and cream -- delish!

kate said...

Back from my trip & catching up...i will email you later today.

Sending you lots & lots of hugs for Travis' 2-month marker...

I think the countdown thing is natural to do, and i am just so sorry that any of us have to do it.

I agree strongly about no final decisions at this point....and didn't Dr. A. say there were more tests to do, or did i read that email wrong?

Black and brown -- hey, it can work, trust me...

Julie said...

I don't think you can help counting the weeks, trimesters, months. I can't see how you would NOT. I think it comes with this new "normal". You are always in my thoughts.

Marlayna said...

How about a big hug from me today?

Holley said...

The Answer is: purple socks.

Just where the purple socks.

Sorry, I don't have answers for anything else. Big hugs.

Lorem ipsum said...

Never occurred to me about the HSG. I've had two - that's how they found out my uterus was (whisper) deformed (/whisper). With a septate, bicornuate or unicornuate uterus (more terms to look up), your chance of carrying to term falls to ten percent. And the thing is - they only checked after my first two losses, as they can't tell by a routine ultrasound or exam. Supposedly after surgery you're back in the 75% range.

Anyway, do check into it. After all you've been through, you should rest a little better knowing all you can.

Let me know if you want more info.

Sweet Coalminer said...

A hysteroscopy is where they shove a camera in there and look around. A woman I know had a child and had a HSG for adhesions, and they found she had a tissue dividing her uterus nearly in two (septum). The doctor said she must have carried the baby her entire pregnancy (she only made it to 36w) in half her uterus.

I had a septate uterus too, and would have never known if they hadn't gone in there for the adhesions. It can cause a placenta to separate.

But they can see in color. They can see infection, I would think. Hell, who wouldn't want to see what it looks like in their uterus?

I vote for plastic silverware too.

Renae said...

A good friend of mine had the hysteroscopy after the loss of baby Toby. They found something they repaired and Baby Jessalyn turns 1 on Saturday.

Oh yeah, I have plastic forks, knives and spoons left over from the wedding - you're welcome to them if want throw away silverware too!

My issues are different but your words and emotion capture a lot of what I feel. I like to read your words.