Tuesday, December 13, 2005

This isn't happening

That thought rolled around and around in my brain. I said it out loud...I don't think I yelled it, but it was screaming so loud in my head that I thought it would explode. That sound that was supposed to be there...that lovely, beautiful, amazing sound that I had heard so many times before...gone. All there was was silence and the screaming in my head. No! Nooooo! This isn't happening! Please God, I will do ANYTHING! Don't do this to us! Don't take our boy! This isn't happening! Where are YOU? This isn't happening! THIS ISN'T HAPPENING!

How loud silence can be. How deafening it can be to hear nothing but imagined screams in your mind. It's much like turning the car stereo up so loud that it physically hurts your eardrums. You have no choice but to turn it down.

I could almost hear the sound I was SUPPOSED to hear...that lovely little drum beat of his heart. I can imagine it how it sounded just a week and a half earlier. I can still hear it. I remembered the laughter as he wiggled away from the doppler and made my belly into a funny misshapen pyramid. I can hear the wrinkling of the paper on the exam table beneath me. I can see the ceiling tiles I stared at and prayed.

And then...I felt it all slip away and I heard nothing...nothing but the screaming in the silence. This isn't happening!

I did it...I gave birth to you...cry...scream...do something! This isn't happening!

I hoped. I prayed. And it was all for nothing. The silence continued...filled only occasionally by my sobs and my tearful pleas...my baby...my baby...this isn't happening.

But this IS happening...and there's nothing I can do about it but listen to the silence. I replay it in my mind. And the silence in our home is a constant reminder. It hurts...and I can't fill up the silence.

10 comments:

Holley said...

I don't have any useful words that will help you.

I think the memory of Alex's death will always cause you pain. You'll always miss him. But I also think you will find other things to bring you happiness someday.

Big hugs.

Holley

Dana said...

{{{{{big hugs}}}}}

Sherry said...

*hugs*

gabesmama said...

I think I will always play back those minutes when I found out. It will never go away. Hug~ and much love.

Julie said...

I still hear the heartbeat off in the distance in the back of my mind. More disturbing, is the movements I swear I still feel when I'm reading quietly to "relax". Sure, it's gas, but damn if it doesn't snap me right back into tears.
Thinking of you, and sending you peaceful vibes. {{hugs}}

Julie said...

You worded that SO well. I don't think you could explain the feeling any better. I STILL think this isnt happening over and over in my mind sometimes. Sending you thoughts of peace. Thinking of you. (((((hugs))))) (God how I wish I could do more)

kate said...

((((((((((hugs)))))))

It is at once completely unreal and horribly real...

mopsy said...

Oh, Catherine. Hugs.

Heather said...

I know you can feel the love that we are all sending you. I know it isn't that much of a comfort, but I hope it helps just a little bit.

AJW5403 said...

I wish I had words that could help you or make things better. All I can say is I am thinking of you. Hugs