Feel sorry for yourself
Has the world lost its capacity for compassion? empathy? just plain kindness? When did it become "bad" to mourn the loss of a loved one? When did it become taboo to feel sad? Why do we all have to be freakin' Mary Poppins on speed?
Don't dwell on the bad! Yeah, you lost your mom this year, but hey, little Jimmy scored three goals in soccer. Your loved one is suffering from painful cancer and will most likely die? How 'bout the upside? That overpriced must-have toy is on sale at the local department store. Your baby died? Well you still have another...and you can always try again. I mean...geez! Focus on the positive already! (not that the bad shouldn't be mentioned...just don't make it the focus.
I'm sitting her shaking my head at the utter lack of sensitivity of people I thought I knew. I have heard and seen so many things in the past seven months that I'll be surprised if I ever rejoin the human race in anything close to the capacity I once did. Or maybe I just need to rethink the human race that I am rejoining. Time to reconsider and reconfigure friendships perhaps.
How did I choose so wrong in the first place? These were people I thought I knew...I thought I enjoyed their company. I was willing to overlook faults for their friendship. Maybe I was just too desperate for friends. I was so wrong...so very wrong.
I was going to send out a Christmas letter and then I changed my mind because of people like this. These kind of people don't want to hear what I have to say. They don't really care about how I'm doing...not really. And these are the same people who, when faced with their own crisis, will ask for thoughts and prayers...and EXPECT that people will give them.
I just don't understand. Have we, as a race of creatures, become so self-involved that we measure the appropriateness of what other people say by our own comfort level? Why is it so hard for people to recognize that this one big thing happened in my life this year and I'm going to talk about it? I would do the same for them...whether it be the loss of someone they love or Jimmy's soccer goals. How can you sit and judge what the person should or shouldn't be feeling. Don't dwell. Are you kidding me?
And I KNOW there are people, some I already know and some yet to be encountered, who feel as though I got what I deserved. I somehow contributed to my son's death. I somehow wasn't good enough. I wasn't faithful enough. I wasn't loving enough. I wasn't perfect enough. It was my fault. They're just too chicken shit to say it out loud. To say it to me. Do they think I don't think these things all the time? Don't they think I would give ANYTHING to fix what I did? I would MOVE INTO a church if it would bring my baby back.
We all know the whole idea of "God's plan" is that I deserved what I got. It'll all make sense in the end...you're part of the plan...we're all part of the plan. But other peoples' children get to live because they somehow earned extra points. See, you weren't good enough to land on the good side of the plan. The implicit assumption is that the plan somehow rewards and punishes those who deserve it. And God wouldn't give us more than we can handle. BULLSHIT! God doesn't know a freakin' thing about what I can handle if he thinks I can handle this! I'm falling apart! I'm lost and confused and angry...and I could very well end up completely crazy like my grandmother. Is THAT what I can handle? A complete break from reality? Is that the plan? That I become nuts and a complete burden to my family? ARE YOU LISTENING?!?!?
But hey...in the season of love and peace...don't dwell...you'll spoil it for me.
Please note, this is not directed at anyone who reads this blog. Also please note that I am strong enough to tell you to your "face" that you've annoyed me (I think you got the brunt of that one day Dana, for which I AM sorry). This post is about someone entirely different and distinct from any of you. Someone I will be delivering a lecture to...and ending my friendship if she doesn't apologize.