As I sat at the end of the driveway in the cold wet slush, sobbing uncontrollably and pondering if I had broken my left wrist (watching several cars go by without so much as a honk of the horn), I had an epiphany. Or perhaps I actually had the epiphany while I was sitting in my empty minivan at the end of my driveway, with a cold wet ass, sobbing uncontrollably, pondering if I had broken my left wrist and screaming at the universe, "I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE! YOU WIN! I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE!" Either way, my ass was wet and cold, my wrist hurt like a bitch, and I couldn't stop the tears when I had an epiphany.
You see, it's not that falling on my ass is any better or worse than it was before. I'm notoriously clumsy and I'm used to looking up at the world from the fallen position. It's that I feel emotionally sunburned. You know, the sunburned feeling...where even the softest clothes feel as though they are peeling layers of your skin right off your living body. Where the only possible way to survive is to sit REALLY still...in the nude. That's me. Every thought, every interaction, every random happening in my daily life could very well be the softest of cashmere...but it rubs me raw and makes me feel like every nerve ending is going to explode.
I'm not any luckier or unluckier than I was before. I'm the same old me with the same old average problems and issues. But my brain is sunburned...raw from the attempts to "deal" or "grieve" or "heal" or "adjust" or "cope"...whatever the term du jour might be on any given day.
I didn't have a choice to stay out in the sun too long. I was sort of set out there and locked out of the house. Whether it was accidental or intentional that I was locked out is still a big question in my mind. But the fact is that I'm really needing to just strip down to the bare essentials and sit really still for a while. All the holiday hustle and bustle...I just can't do it. All the normal boring everyday hustle and bustle...I just can't do that either. Every time I ignore what my sunburn is telling me, I seem to end up hurting all over again. Really deep down, intense pain.
So tonight I'm going to nurse my cold wet sore ass...and my incredibly slow-down-my-typing-sore wrist...and sit very still. I think I need to pay attention to what the pain is telling me. I can't take anymore. I guess I'm just a slow healer.