Christmas conversations

"Oh, that's a nice bumper sticker...

Be Patient
Be Forgiving
Be Nice to Each Other
Have Self Control
Be Slow to Anger

We should steal it."
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"That was a really pleasant saleslady."

"Seasonal help."
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"The wreath storage boxes are on sale...you should get one or two and send them to Dana."
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"Where are the coats? Are they upstairs?"

"I don't know, but I know the baby stuff is upstairs."

"Let's not go upstairs then."
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"Are you going to put a ribbon on that present?"

"That'd be like putting a pearl handle on an outhouse."
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"This Christmas music makes me want to jab a fork into my head."

"How about a knife...you've got a good steak knife right there in front of you."

"It's got a rounded point, I already checked."

"What's this world coming to when you can't even get a good knife to stab yourself with?"
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"She wants some peachy fruity drink."
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"I wouldn't leave your drawers open like that, the cat might think it'd be a good place to pee."
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"Do you think your mother will be upset we're picking Sam up so late?"

"Nah, she probably thinks we're having sex since we never get any time alone."

"Why didn't we have sex?"

"Because I'm tired and you're stupid."
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"So let's walk through the baby boy stuff twice."

"What, just in case the first time didn't smack you hard enough?"
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"Old Navy has everything. I just saw Plus Size thong underwear."

"Oh yeah?"

"The only thing I have to say to that is...ewwwwww."
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"Sorry Dad, I have to go make sure Steve isn't going to kill someone in traffic."
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"I'm not going to cry."

[sob]

"Can we just go please?"

"Want me to ask if they can put some alcohol in your coffee?"
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"It's amazing how fast you can move without a three year old in tow."
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"We should get Sam a chalkboard for Christmas."

"Why didn't you tell me that when we were in the toy store?"

"Because I'm an idiot."
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"I've seen women who have given up on purses altogether and they just use luggage...you know the kind...with the handle and the wheels that you can pull along behind you."
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"Smile, it's Christmas."

[thought but not said] "Yes, I'll remember that when I visit my baby's grave tomorrow. See, I'm smiling already."
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"Fifty seven year old women do not have three year olds for a reason."

"Oh get over it."
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"Can we open the presents now?"

"No"

"That's not fair."

[tell me about it kid]
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