I feel like I'm running around in circles trying to keep all the spinning plates from crashing down to the ground in a zillion pieces.
~Sam - deserves a great Christmas in his three year old world. I'm trying.
~Steve - missing Alex as much as I am and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. We look at each other helplessly and just FEEL the missing piece together.
~Other family - watching me, waiting for me to fall apart or explode or God knows what. I have to prove to them that I'm fine...but I'm not fine.
~Friends - offering what they can, but needing reassurance that they haven't really pissed me off. I have a habit of not censoring what I say...and I'm so terribly afraid they will have enough of my bitching that they'll say goodbye forever. I really need to be more careful.
~Myself - holding it together and I'm not sure why. The tears seep out every now and then and I don't even notice them anymore. The sobs escape rarely, but when they do, they knock the wind out of me. Last night, walking in the dark snow toward the house...Christmas lights on the tree and porch railing...acutely noting how different this Christmas is, not only from last year, but from every year before and every "supposed to be" year.
What would happen if I failed? What would happen if I let the pieces fall where they may? Would I be alone and miserable? I wonder because I'm not sure I can keep up the balancing act for much longer. If I can just make it through the holidays...maybe it will be better in the new year...