Friday, December 23, 2005

Balancing act

I feel like I'm running around in circles trying to keep all the spinning plates from crashing down to the ground in a zillion pieces.

~Sam - deserves a great Christmas in his three year old world. I'm trying.

~Steve - missing Alex as much as I am and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. We look at each other helplessly and just FEEL the missing piece together.

~Other family - watching me, waiting for me to fall apart or explode or God knows what. I have to prove to them that I'm fine...but I'm not fine.

~Friends - offering what they can, but needing reassurance that they haven't really pissed me off. I have a habit of not censoring what I say...and I'm so terribly afraid they will have enough of my bitching that they'll say goodbye forever. I really need to be more careful.

~Myself - holding it together and I'm not sure why. The tears seep out every now and then and I don't even notice them anymore. The sobs escape rarely, but when they do, they knock the wind out of me. Last night, walking in the dark snow toward the house...Christmas lights on the tree and porch railing...acutely noting how different this Christmas is, not only from last year, but from every year before and every "supposed to be" year.

What would happen if I failed? What would happen if I let the pieces fall where they may? Would I be alone and miserable? I wonder because I'm not sure I can keep up the balancing act for much longer. If I can just make it through the holidays...maybe it will be better in the new year...


Sherry said...

I can't speak for all your friends, but being one who hasn't been through the loss of a child don't sensor for me. I just am not sure how my words will hurt or help - and I don't want to hurt you more *hugs* I think everyone grieves differently, and at a different pace so there is no 'book' to follow on how I might be able to help you. Just know you don't need to sensor crap for me, and I know you will tell me if I piss you off or upset you, and I would do the same. And if you need someone to be mad at or yell at I'm here for you :)

Heather said...

Ditto to all of the above. ((((HUGS))))

rach said...

So what if stuff comes crashing down? I'm a big girl, I can handle it. You may be surprised at how easily you sort the true blue friends from the posers.


Kathy McC said...

(((hugs))) I sure hope this coming year brings you hope and wonderful things.

Dana said...

I completely agree with Sherry. I just don't want to say and/or do anything that will cause you more pain. You don't need to censor yourself for me. I've already told you, I'm not going anywhere. I love you!!

You just do whatever you need to to get through this holiday.


Jill said...

How will you get through Christams without falling apart? Point number one. That excited little face and shining eyes. They'll break your heart and somehow keep it going at the same time ((hugs))

After that, come what may huh?

cat said...

You don't need to censor to save anyone's feelings. You are what's important here and finding a way to muck through the unmuckable well there is no right way.

Thinking of you and wishing you a bearable if not perhaps in some small moments enjoyable holiday.


Holley said...

Ditto what was said above. You don't need to censor. If someone asks, like I did, just be truthful and it is fine. You vent and it makes the rest of us stretch our empathy muscles and wonder if we've been too inconsiderate of you. That's much better than someone not caring if things they do or say cause pain. You have a lot bottled up because of the balancing act; you don't need the extra work of censoring anything else.

If you do have a melt down it's okay because the people who care about you will still care about you. They'll just be a little more worried about you which is okay too.


deadbabymama said...

What does 'failure' mean? You seem to have some idea of what that would look like, and from here it doesn't look very realistic. I don't think you will 'fail' and if you let the pieces fall where they may there's no way you'd be alone and miserable. Miserable for awhile, but certainly not forever and not in any way alone.

Try and have a good time with Sam, and leave it at that. Even Sam knows everything isn't 'normal' and won't mind a few tears.

kate said...

Yes....Sam will have a good Christmas, i am sure -- he is three. And as DBM said he will not mind a few tears.

You *will* make it through, and even if some of the pieces do fall it will still be okay. Fall and fail are not the same thing. I think you are doing very well, considering.