Thursday, December 22, 2005

I love my friends...but...

I really love my friends...I do...there's not a doubt in my mind that I love these people. But if ONE MORE person sends me a Christmas card with a picture of their perfect family, complete with new baby, I am going to tape my mailbox shut and refuse all mail until the end of the holiday season. Seriously, would it be too much to ask that these people send us a generic card from the $4.99 Holiday Assortment you can get at any WalMart? Just a tip...I do NOT want the cards with the Baby Jesus on them EITHER! And if another person announces their pregnancy in their Christmas greetings (like I did last Christmas), I'm going to tape my mailbox shut AND give up on Christmas altogether...maybe head out to somewhere warm. This happy little tradition is no better than finding a razor blade in your Halloween candy. Yeah, the chocolate is nice...but your insides are ripped to shreds by the time all is said and done.

Now I will give a break where it is due. My friend who announced her pregnancy in her Christmas card...I haven't really spoken to her in about three years or...since before Sam was born, I think. So she doesn't know about Alex and I can overlook her obvious happiness...not to mention naivete (I mean, "?...arriving summer 2006," is a BIT overly grand...and definitely presumptuous. At least mine just said, "Baby #2."). So I will send her a nice little email after the holidays and let her know what happened. I don't really feel like doing it now, because it would only make the both of us feel really bad.

And yes...I baked...but you don't have to call them "Christmas cookies." There is no "holiday magic" or "joy of the season." So please send those cards to somebody else. And for the love of all things good and decent...do NOT wish me a "Merry Christmas." There ain't f*cking thing that is "merry" about this Christmas. I'm going to survive it...don't ask for anything more. Please...

Please understand when I don't smile at you that I'm doing better than I was seven months ago...when just a look would elicit sobbing.

Please know that because I can't talk to you that it's not because I don't care but because I'm afraid I will say all the wrong things and ruin our friendship forever.

Please feel something other than impatience for me because I can't deal with your judgment that I should be "better" by now.

Please treat me as someone who is emotionally fragile and on the verge of a breakdown, because that is how I feel most days.

Please don't ask me about my New Years Resolutions, because the only one I have is to make it through the year without someone I love dying.

Please talk about something other than you wonderfully perfect son or daughter...who is about the age Alex should be.

Please give me some space when I am not receptive to your religion or your sense of 'peace.' I buried my son and it's going to take more than a plagiarized sermon to help me make any sort of peace with that.

Please know that I am working on it...finding myself again and trying to figure out who I am. I may not be the same predictable person you knew. But I think I'm ok anyway.

11 comments:

Kathy McC said...

I got TWO of those "announcing the pregnancy" ones today. All I could think was, "Gee must be nice to be that blissed out and naive that you really think everything is going to work out perfectly." Oh, to be innocent again. It's pretty annoying.

msfitzita said...

Amen. I'm with you sister. We got a card from my husband's co-worker which was a combination Christmas card/birth announcement. Twin boys. Fan-fucking-tastic. It was literally like a kick in the stomach. I have no idea what they were thinking. I really don't.

I would also like to add that people who know about Thomas and still just sign a breezy little "love jim, donna & the kids" should have their heads knocked together. A little acknowledgement that this WON'T be a happy Christmas might be nice. I HATE that people are pretending. Not mentioning my son isn't going to make me forget about him.

Only 4 more days...

Lorem ipsum said...

Yeah, pictures of kids are the worst. Especially the generic cards with a professional picture stuck in there, with a return address sticker on the back so you know who it is. Please!

I've only gotten one announcement/Christmas card. It was from a friend who ended up losing her baby in the third trimester. This was a few years ago and it was just so shocking - I'd never known anyone to have a miscarriage, let alone a stillbirth. But I'm sure as I get older there will be more.

You're doing well to bake. We put up the tree and sent out cards kicking and screaming. We act merry but that's all it is - an act. Tonight we talked about how this year would have been different IF... and the lens is so smudged with tears still we really can't visualize it.

Your experience must be a thousand times worse, so I shouldn't even try to compare mine to yours. All I can say is, I'm sorry. Always am, and 'tis the season to want to hide in a snowdrift.

ericah64 said...

Honey, I'm SO sorry! NY Eve will be 17 months since my son died, and this Christmas is hitting me much harder than last year did. It doesn't help that this year my SIL had twins after aborting the triplet ("OK, I'd give my right & left arms to have my baby back for 5 minutes, and you're throwing one of yours away????"). Hang in there! Sometimes, to still be standing come the end of the day (end of the season) is a huge victory. IF people don't understand why you're not all perky and Christmassy, well, someday they'll have some kind of loss and might understand a little.

Jill said...

Yup. Christmas - to be survived. See you on the other side.

Sherry said...

Catherine - call me an idiot! I just sent you a PM titled none other than 'Merry Christmas' before I read your blog. But my PM was about how sorry I am that Alex isn't here with you, Steve, and Sam. I can only imagine that you are trying to just make it through this holiday time *hugs* I do hope that you are able to enjoy Sam, and his magical joy of the season. Not to lesson your pain of loosing Alex - but to not miss out on this time with Sam.

deadbabymama said...

I hear ya'll, the cracks are starting to show up here. Luckily no pregnancy announcements yet, but kid pictures we have plenty. Just no new ones of our kid.

Dana said...

I am so sorry this is such a difficult time. Dang, I was reading your list thinking, okay good, I didn't send a letter or a picture.... did I sign it Merry Christmas??? Damn! I can't remember. : \ I'm sorry Kate. I'm trying, really I am.

Hugs,

gabesmama said...

You know ever since I lost Gabe, I've been thinking of how weird it is to send the healty happy family picture. Think of the people you send them to. I have learned that most people are none to happy around the holidays and feel loss of a friend, mother, father, child, etc., and then there is your happy we are wonderful family picture. I think the pictures of dogs with Santa hats are much appropriate and fun!

mopsy said...

Your resolution and mine are identical.

lauralu said...

i let many christmas rituals fall by the wayside this year, and i feel so, so much better. not that i don't still feel shitty. this is officially the worst christmas ever. but every little bit helps.

oh, and we had no less than THREE baby photo cards in yesterday's mail - to go with the already significant collection hanging on our french doors. i'm trying to space the baby picture ones around so i'm not smacked in the face with the sheer volume of them, but i'm running out of room.