I really love my friends...I do...there's not a doubt in my mind that I love these people. But if ONE MORE person sends me a Christmas card with a picture of their perfect family, complete with new baby, I am going to tape my mailbox shut and refuse all mail until the end of the holiday season. Seriously, would it be too much to ask that these people send us a generic card from the $4.99 Holiday Assortment you can get at any WalMart? Just a tip...I do NOT want the cards with the Baby Jesus on them EITHER! And if another person announces their pregnancy in their Christmas greetings (like I did last Christmas), I'm going to tape my mailbox shut AND give up on Christmas altogether...maybe head out to somewhere warm. This happy little tradition is no better than finding a razor blade in your Halloween candy. Yeah, the chocolate is nice...but your insides are ripped to shreds by the time all is said and done.
Now I will give a break where it is due. My friend who announced her pregnancy in her Christmas card...I haven't really spoken to her in about three years or...since before Sam was born, I think. So she doesn't know about Alex and I can overlook her obvious happiness...not to mention naivete (I mean, "?...arriving summer 2006," is a BIT overly grand...and definitely presumptuous. At least mine just said, "Baby #2."). So I will send her a nice little email after the holidays and let her know what happened. I don't really feel like doing it now, because it would only make the both of us feel really bad.
And yes...I baked...but you don't have to call them "Christmas cookies." There is no "holiday magic" or "joy of the season." So please send those cards to somebody else. And for the love of all things good and decent...do NOT wish me a "Merry Christmas." There ain't f*cking thing that is "merry" about this Christmas. I'm going to survive it...don't ask for anything more. Please...
Please understand when I don't smile at you that I'm doing better than I was seven months ago...when just a look would elicit sobbing.
Please know that because I can't talk to you that it's not because I don't care but because I'm afraid I will say all the wrong things and ruin our friendship forever.
Please feel something other than impatience for me because I can't deal with your judgment that I should be "better" by now.
Please treat me as someone who is emotionally fragile and on the verge of a breakdown, because that is how I feel most days.
Please don't ask me about my New Years Resolutions, because the only one I have is to make it through the year without someone I love dying.
Please talk about something other than you wonderfully perfect son or daughter...who is about the age Alex should be.
Please give me some space when I am not receptive to your religion or your sense of 'peace.' I buried my son and it's going to take more than a plagiarized sermon to help me make any sort of peace with that.
Please know that I am working on it...finding myself again and trying to figure out who I am. I may not be the same predictable person you knew. But I think I'm ok anyway.