I couldn't figure out what to use to get the ice off of Alex's headstone. It was way too cold to use my hands. Even through my gloves, I could feel the frozenness of the ice over the cold stone. So I did what any practical mom would do...I used the ice scraper from the minivan. I wish we had taken a picture because it was quite the sight. Me laughing so hard I could barely breathe in the winter air...accidentally stepping on top of my son's grave...apologizing for walking on him...scraping the headstone like a windshield. My husband, shaking his head and saying, "This just isn't right." It's at moments like these that I feel as though we have entered some bizzaro world (ever watch Seinfeld?) where things are the somewhat the same, but with some weird twist to change things up. Somewhere, I'm enjoying the pre-holiday week with two boys and my husband in our warm home...drinking hot chocolate and watching Christmas specials while we snuggle on the couch. Instead, I'm laughing the hysterical laughter of someone insane who is trying desperately to hold it all together, while scraping the ice off my son's headstone with the automobile ice scraper and brush. Some days it literally makes me dizzy to contemplate.
Ice scraping complete, Steve and I stood there in silence, just looking at the frozen headstone. Steve said, "I'm glad his Christmas tree stood up so well." Me wondering how in the world I got here. I told him, "Sometimes it feels like it didn't happen...like he didn't exist." He said, "Like it happened to someone else...like you're telling someone else's story?" Yep...just like that...nodding heads in agreement. And then a shadow passed overhead and a big beautiful crow flew by, singing out a reminder that yes, in fact, it did happen. I laughed and pointed up as Sam yelled from his seat in the minivan, "Mommy, that bird is talking to us." I looked at Steve and said, "I think Alex is saying, 'yes, it did happen'." Like I said, bizarro world. But at least I know he doesn't mind that I use the ice scraper...or that I laugh about it.