Monday, December 05, 2005

I can't take it!

~Christmas music piped into the street by the village in which I work. Once though charming is now literally painful.
~My new mommy coworker who cheerfully said to me, "We haven't put up our Christmas decorations yet, we need to put them up," and looked at me hopefully. This will be my third Christmas here. I was the one who decorated...and everyone made fun of me...laughed at me for being "Martha Stewart" just because I wanted a little holiday cheer. Well, Martha doesn't live here anymore...decorate your own damn office.
~The holiday decorations on every nook and cranny of every retail establishment I go to. Even the freakin Tractor Supply Company has cheery red bows and plastic sparkly snowflakes all over the place.
~The coworker who asked me, "Are you going?" Presumably, I was supposed to know what she was talking about...but I didn't. Why, the Ladies of the Court Christmas Party, of course. She had bought a ticket but wasn't sure if she was going to go or not. Yeah, I'll just drop the Christmas tree cemetery decoration off and be right over for drinks and dancing.
~Standing in the cemetery with Steve, Sam waiting patiently in the car, wiping away the ice and snow from Alex's headstone. Placing Alex's little Christmas tree, all festive with its red bows, so carefully...so it will hopefully stay standing. The only thing we could say to each other was, "This wasn't supposed to be this way."
~Overhearing another colleague this morning laughing and saying, "Now THAT was SOME Christmas party."
~The Christmas music on every freakin radio station known to man.
~Being on the verge of tears. Feeling them coming and knowing there is no way I can stop them. Knowing WHY they're coming and not being able to do anything to fix it or make it better.

Happy Holidays.

6 comments:

Lorem ipsum said...

You know, if you stood in the middle of the office and yelled, 'MY SON IS DEAD,' people would look at you weird and tell you to go to this party or put up decorations or play some Christmas music, you'll feel better. But if you yelled, 'MY SON IS DEAD, KILLED IN IRAQ,' no one would offer such platitudes. They would respect you.

They don't GET IT.

AJW5403 said...

I have been going through the same thing here lately. I have been crying at everything and anything and unable to stop it. The holidays truly suck.

Lisa P. said...

I'm so sorry Catherine. (((hugs)))

cat said...

Wish it were not this way but understand how messed up it feels. *hugs* May you find some peace and quiet in the midst of the madness of the holiday.

kate said...

i do hate the holidays, it is just all so wrong ((((((((hugs))))))))

rach said...

to what lorem said. so true. i get it. as much as i can, at least.

your son isn't here. and that blows.