Thursday, December 08, 2005

You can run but you can't hide...revisited

I had a whole big long feel-sorry-for-me post posted this morning...for about two minutes. Something about how I could run, but the sadness would always find me...lurking around like the morque from The Neverending Story.

blech. Now I even bore myself.

So I deleted it.

I spent the afternoon at the Elks Lodge attending another exciting Continuing Legal Education course on Ethics, Professionalism, and Substance Abuse. It was in the dining area that is smoke free only during the peak dinner hours. The walls have that dull yellow associated with years of smoking visitors during the remaining hours of the day. The carpet retained a stench that literally gave me a headace after the first hour. And I wasn't smart enough to grab a chair by the windows so I could gaze out at the lake. (What is it about Lake Erie...or any body of water really...that makes me feel at peace?) So I spent two and a half hours wishing I had chosen a different seat, or, in the alternative, brought my crocheting or my beading with me so I could at least be busy while the videotape droned on and on. And now, I'm counting the minutes until I can get home and change out of these clothes that reek like I was out all night drinking and dancing on tables. I may even wash my hair just to be sure I get it all off me.

I spend a good portion of my day running. I try to keep my mind busy so that IT won't catch up with me. And when I find myself bored to tears (like in a CLE), it's as if I'm a sitting duck. I know IT's there because I can feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, as though I'm watching a horror flick. The tears will follow shortly if I don't distract myself. It's an exhausting way to live...always on guard...always trying to avoid the unavoidable.

My dear sweet husband had a meeting with his manager this morning...to discuss his accomplishments from this past year. He broke out the old day planner to check dates and times and stumbled across January through May...filled with ultrasounds and doctor visits. That's why I run. I fill my head with distraction and nonsense so I don't have to wait for the pain and the sadness to catch up with me. (Steve WOULD HAVE commented on the post this morning...if I had left it up. Funny, the ripple effect that you can have on someone else with even a small decision like whether to write down some words or not.)

Anyway...same old song...tra la la la la la

Tonight I buy a ham for a small party I'm attending tomorrow evening. I've never actually cooked a ham before. Are they all like Schwan's where they're already cooked and all you have to do is heat em up? Guess I'll find out at the grocery. What have I gotten myself into?

As an aside here...YES, I know Cavaliers get horrible safety ratings but I have to say it's been a relatively good car for being ten years old and having 142,000 miles on it. The one I have is a 1995 and it was my husband's first car. Back then we were young and stupid and didn't care about safety...so long as we looked good. It is the non-Sam car. He's ridden in it only a handful of times since it started it's downward spiral...and then only for short trips. Hey, it's ok to risk our own lives, but Sam rides in the minivan. Now if I could wrap him in bubble wrap I'd be much more relaxed about his safety.

Thanks for the advice on the Toyotas. But I'm thinking cheap right now. I found a couple Honda's and a Hyundai I am considering. Toyotas, because they are so reliable, are a bit out of my price range.

David...welcome to our blog. We have issues with God over the death of our son. It's doubtful he cares about my transportation issues. But thanks for thinking of us.

6 comments:

MB said...

You know, Hyundais have actually become pretty great cars and they have fabulous warranties. Just thought I'd toss that out there... Oh, Kias too...

Jill said...

I drive a Hyundai and it has been excellent (touch wood!!) such good value for money. You can tell it's nat as expensive as a toyota but you get a lot for what you pay and they are decent mechanically as well. And so common - how can they be tooooo dear to fix?

Hondas are really expensive here - much more so than toyotas cos they are also considered very good cars and long lasting. Dear to fix though. Could be different in the States though.

Good luck:)

lauralu said...

of course, i must step in and recommend the volvo. if, you know, any of my children had actually lived, i felt very secure about driving them around in it. yes, they can be pricey new, but if you do what we do (buy a used one, about once every ten years), they're not nearly as much, and they just run forever. there are 2, 3, 4 and 500k clubs for volvo owners - because there are so many of us! our last volvo we drove to about 250k and only traded it in then because we had been rearended twice and hadn't gotten it fixed and i was newly pregnant and we assumed we'd have a living child in another 8 months and nothing was too safe for its sake.

kas said...

Hi...I am coming your way by Rach's blog. She referenced your entry about Happy Moms and I wanted to respond to it but didn't think you would find it so I'm responding under this entry, which I hope is ok.

I'm with you. The endlessly happy moms get on my last nerve. I am at a different time in my life than you because my children are a bit older, but let me tell you...there is nothing even remotely fairy-tale like about life with children and anyone who makes a point to profess otherwise is covering up the truth. I do not know if these people are simply writitn for an audience, or if they like deluding themselves, but REAL life is not prancing and dancing around in a light of happiness 24/7.

But here's the thing...if you complain, people start calling you a whiner---even though they KNOW that their life mirrors your own in so many ways, they will not put it down in words for fear the image of what they WANT their life to be gets sullied in any way. They are not brave enough to say that life sometimes sucks and so they read your words and go.."OMG, what a whiner!!!"

What I've found in regularly reading the same blogs for a couple of years now is that the people who pose as perfection eventually crack and when THEY crack...it's always a doozy. Like the perfect marriage blogs filled with how the husband is so loving and for years we read this and then BAM! an entry gets posted saying that they are getting divorced. And when I read this stuff (and I've read many of these "Cleaver" blogs)...I am always thinking to myself that they are too good to be true...BECAUSE THEY ARE. I'd rather read about real life, because if I want fiction, I'll go to Borders.

And on another note...I'd like to offer my deepest sympathy for your loss. I'm sure there is nothing harder. Ever.

Heather said...

Ok, I just have to stick up for cavaliers a little bit. I have had my 2000 cavalier for going on 6 years now. I freaking loooooove that car. Maybe I am the exception to the rule, but it has been the best car to us. Never had any problems at all and I will drive it unti the wheels fall off. :) Which may be sooner rather than later now that I have bragged it up. I have probably jinxed myself.

Catherine said...

lol...about 110,000 miles is when the wheels will fall off. :o)