I had a whole big long feel-sorry-for-me post posted this morning...for about two minutes. Something about how I could run, but the sadness would always find me...lurking around like the morque from The Neverending Story.
blech. Now I even bore myself.
So I deleted it.
I spent the afternoon at the Elks Lodge attending another exciting Continuing Legal Education course on Ethics, Professionalism, and Substance Abuse. It was in the dining area that is smoke free only during the peak dinner hours. The walls have that dull yellow associated with years of smoking visitors during the remaining hours of the day. The carpet retained a stench that literally gave me a headace after the first hour. And I wasn't smart enough to grab a chair by the windows so I could gaze out at the lake. (What is it about Lake Erie...or any body of water really...that makes me feel at peace?) So I spent two and a half hours wishing I had chosen a different seat, or, in the alternative, brought my crocheting or my beading with me so I could at least be busy while the videotape droned on and on. And now, I'm counting the minutes until I can get home and change out of these clothes that reek like I was out all night drinking and dancing on tables. I may even wash my hair just to be sure I get it all off me.
I spend a good portion of my day running. I try to keep my mind busy so that IT won't catch up with me. And when I find myself bored to tears (like in a CLE), it's as if I'm a sitting duck. I know IT's there because I can feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, as though I'm watching a horror flick. The tears will follow shortly if I don't distract myself. It's an exhausting way to live...always on guard...always trying to avoid the unavoidable.
My dear sweet husband had a meeting with his manager this morning...to discuss his accomplishments from this past year. He broke out the old day planner to check dates and times and stumbled across January through May...filled with ultrasounds and doctor visits. That's why I run. I fill my head with distraction and nonsense so I don't have to wait for the pain and the sadness to catch up with me. (Steve WOULD HAVE commented on the post this morning...if I had left it up. Funny, the ripple effect that you can have on someone else with even a small decision like whether to write down some words or not.)
Anyway...same old song...tra la la la la la
Tonight I buy a ham for a small party I'm attending tomorrow evening. I've never actually cooked a ham before. Are they all like Schwan's where they're already cooked and all you have to do is heat em up? Guess I'll find out at the grocery. What have I gotten myself into?
As an aside here...YES, I know Cavaliers get horrible safety ratings but I have to say it's been a relatively good car for being ten years old and having 142,000 miles on it. The one I have is a 1995 and it was my husband's first car. Back then we were young and stupid and didn't care about safety...so long as we looked good. It is the non-Sam car. He's ridden in it only a handful of times since it started it's downward spiral...and then only for short trips. Hey, it's ok to risk our own lives, but Sam rides in the minivan. Now if I could wrap him in bubble wrap I'd be much more relaxed about his safety.
Thanks for the advice on the Toyotas. But I'm thinking cheap right now. I found a couple Honda's and a Hyundai I am considering. Toyotas, because they are so reliable, are a bit out of my price range.
David...welcome to our blog. We have issues with God over the death of our son. It's doubtful he cares about my transportation issues. But thanks for thinking of us.