Friday, December 02, 2005

Jealousy

How in the heck am I supposed to stop being jealous of other moms...moms with more than one child? Does it get better when you have another baby yourself? What if I never do? How do I relate to other moms when I just want to scream at them?

Seriously...I hear about how tired they are, or how confused they are, or what "normal" problems they have with their kids and I want to throw things and scream...I want to smash something to bits. I want to rant and rave and lecture about how damn lucky they are that their kids are ALIVE to have these problems. But I can't do that. I can't be that person.

So I sit here silently and think it when I really just want to stop thinking it. I'm so worried that I will never again be able to be friends with moms who have more than one child. I feel like my heart is broken in two pieces and I can't put it back together. I'm trying desperately to put a good face on it. Moving on, you might call it...moving forward. But I hate myself for thinking these things.

And it does seem limited to moms with more than one kid, so it is clearly jealousy over what I feel I was cheated out of. I have no problems with moms with one child. What is wrong with me? Have I become that petty? And how do I change back? Why does this have to be so hard?

11 comments:

Dana said...

So, is that why you haven't emailed me yet? lol I'm just kidding!!

I'm so sorry Kate. I imagine it must be so very hard. I really can't imagine the pain you must go through every day. :(

Big hugs and lots of love headed your way,

Catherine said...

I did email you. I apparently don't have the right email address for you. lol My email is Kate94651@hotmail.com

Dana said...

Woo hoo!! It looks like it may have actually gone through this time. :D

Thanks sis! : )

Julie said...

I have absolutely no patience for "normal" moms either. Even after having Evan. I just can't deal with their problems. I know to them, they are real problems, but I just can't stand hearing about it. They just have no clue, and I can't deal with it. And then I hate myself for being jealous and judgemental. It's a never ending cycle sometimes. (((((hugs))))

Jill said...

OK, being that I am one of those mums with two healthy kids I'll be briefish but want to say I get it.

I have only been jealous of people with one more kid than me, who had and succeeded at the pregnancy I was striving for. Through the 'subfertility' and losses, anyone with equal or less didn't rate a second glance.

I would have to guess that placing a stillbirth into the mix complicates it much further, but your feelings make sense.

Kathy McC said...

All I can say is that I understand. I don't know what the logic is...I suppose it has something to do with wishing to God that we had never experienced the pain and loss that we now have to live with every day. And to see other moms who have what we want without having had to suffer to get it is very painful. I guess that's why I get jealous of other pregnant women even though I am pregnant...they haven't experienced the painful side of it. I will never again have the kind of innocence they have that allows them to be carefree. Anyway, sorry to blather...I just wanted to tell you that I get it.

deadbabymama said...

I have a lot of problems dealing with the jealousy. I've never been a particularly jealous person prior to this, so it was a surprise and very difficult for me to know what to do with. It still lingers, too. I honestly don't really know what to do with it, except rant in my head and then let it rest and avoid situations that inflame it. The second strategy is pretty challenging, I must say.

lauralu said...

i think this jealousy can strike regardless of how many children one has (or doesn't). i find lately that i scowl at women in stores with one child. they look tired and miserable and i want to self-righteously scream at them to appreciate what they have.

gabesmama said...

I wish I had a crystal ball and could see in the future. Would I have a hard time with moms and would you have a hard time with moms with more than one child. What will it be like 5 years from now? I think when I'm done blogging that I should save all that I have written so that I could go back to it and see how my fears held up. The thing I hate right now is women who had a baby when I was preg. with Gabe and now are preg. with number 2. What the hell--I can't even get 1 out!

vixanne wigg said...

I'm scared to look at my old blog entries. I was so jealous and angry. I think I had a right to be, but those feelings were frightening. I think that jealousy is very normal. What are you supposed to feel? It would be nice to think that you are "above" that, but you're only human and you were robbed of something so precious.

kate said...

It gets better, it gets worse. For me even though it became less once Chloe was born, it has not gone away entirely. Xmas shopping at the mall is the worst of the worst. I remember the first year, being jealous of the mommies pushing strollers. Then the next year, i was pushing a stroller, but was jealous of the mommies pushing a tandem stroller. C'est la vie, i guess. Like DBM i try to avoid the situations that inflame it but you can't do so all the time. It has gotten easier over time for me, though.