Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Email is great

I think the email to Sam's teacher can only be topped by the email to Dr. A...who so kindly visited me in the hospital on his time off, called me personally (though I ducked his call at the time), and left a voicemail with his personal cell phone number just in case I "want to talk"...
Dr. A~

Thank you for the phone call. I hope you understand that I just can't talk right now. Maybe in a few days...though I'm not entirely sure what there is to say anymore.

Thank you for everything.

~Catherine
And his response...
I know, Catherine--- I, too, don't know what to say.
Please call me if you need to talk.
Yours,
Ben

Guess that about sums it up.

I wonder...

I feel sick to my stomach. Was it the three margaritas I had last night that allowed me two full hours of uninterrupted dreamless sleep? Or was it the email I just had to send to Samuel's teacher?

Mrs. G.:

I am emailing because I find it's easier (for a lot of reasons)...I hope this is ok. This is very personal information, but I want to convey it so that maybe I can do the responsible parent thing and keep Samuel from falling through the cracks that threaten to swallow me up personally.

First, a little background. Generally, I would just vaguely allude to a "family emergency." But in this case, I think the details may be somewhat important. In May of 2005, just a couple weeks before Sam's third birthday, his brother was stillborn at 35 weeks. In May of 2006, just a couple weeks before Sam's fourth birthday, another brother was stillborn at 20 weeks. Just this past week/end, I lost another much-anticipated pregnancy at 19 weeks (Sam's birthday is more than a month away this time...thank goodness). Samuel and his two-year-old brother spent four days, while I was in the hospital, with their grandparents. We only just returned home Sunday night and spent Monday together as a way to reassure them that everything was ok. Sam tells me he is ready to go back to school (though I must confess to a small Toys R Us bribe in order to get him to agree), so we are sending him to school today (Tuesday). He may be ready...he may not...I simply can not tell.

Sam has dealt with a lot of loss in his short life and, as a result, he is wiser than a lot of people five times his age. But still...I know from our experiences that this initial grief period can be rough on everyone in the family. I would like to ask you to please keep an eye on him and let us know if there is any significant backsliding in his academic performance or his behavior during class. He has worked very hard during this school year to get himself under control and be a "good citizen." As you would expect, he doesn't always know an appropriate way to express his grief and he may need a little extra attention or guidance to stay on track. Please watch out for my little guy while he is there at school. I would hate very much if all of this family stress were to go unaddressed and silently undermine all of his hard work.

I am only a phone call and ten minute drive away at any time during the school day. My number is xxx-xxx-xxxx. And of course, my email is xxxxxxxxx@xxxxxxxx.xxx.

Thank you so much, Mrs. G. I appreciate everything you have already done for Samuel this year already. I hate to ask for special attention, but we have learned to hope for the best while anticipating the worst. I am hoping for the best here...but I still worry.


Yeah, I'm oversharing and hoping it doesn't result in any backlash against my kid.

Who knows what the right thing is to do in these situations? Unfortunately, the experts don't write books about this stuff. Maybe I will write that book. Though not an expert, I clearly have insight that most people don't. This crap has gotta be worth something.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

4-11-10

There are some stories that are too awful to speak out loud. There are stories so horrifying that even the characters in the starring roles cannot fathom the depths of the hell from which they come. These are the stories we bury deep within ourselves so that we may spare loved ones and strangers alike from the nightmares we know will come in the midnight hour. These are the stories that we quietly weave into the fabric of our being...maybe making us seem a little different or making us just a little bit sad to outsiders. These are the stories that ultimately define who we are.

And so goes the story of our Little Bug.

There are a few simple things that we will share.

First...

We have some amazing friends and family. We love you and we hope that we show you a fraction of the thanks and appreciation you deserve. We are so so so lucky to have you in our lives. Thank you for hoping with us during the last 19 weeks...for risking the heartbreak. Thank you for sharing your distractions with us when our world shattered into a million bits again and again and again.

Thank you, most of all, for loving us always.

Second...

We will never know "why" or "what happened"...so please do not ask.

Third...

We know there are the usual grief markers we will have to pass in the coming weeks. We also know how incredibly lucky we are...how much is good in our lives...please do not think we have lost sight of that. If anything can heal a soul, it is the warmth of a ratty old sweatshirt, or the comforts of home, or the endless chatter of a 7-year-old about the magic of Ben 10 Alien Force, or the monster voices of a two-year-old with a contagious giggle. Please do not worry about us. We will be ok. Just be patient.

Fourth...

I do not believe there is a God. I am sure I will lose friends (and possibly the love of family members) because of this. I do not care. I also will not justify it. The hell I have just witnessed for the last four days leads me to this one undeniable conclusion.

I won't challenge those who dare to convince me otherwise. I also won't try to convince them that I am right. Because I have been to that place...where most people can't even imagine in their worst nightmares...where nothing can ever be set "right" again and you know it is pointless to try. In that place, there is no fluffy warm cloud on which everything is ok. No fluffy warm sentiment that makes it all right. Only harsh, cold realities that people have to deal with in the here and now...with no right or wrong...and certainly no promises for a tomorrow.

The only fluffy warm sentiment comes from the amazing capacity of people to care for one another...to make life a little easier in big and small ways...to perform acts of kindness that leave indelible marks on the lives of others. THAT is where hope lives for me.

Fifth...

Given the above, anger directed at God on our behalf is wasted energy. And while Steve and I both appreciate that people love us enough to be inspired to that level of emotion, we do not want the legacy of our Little Bug to be one of anger. Before it all went to shit, Little Bug was a source of much love and hope...and peace...for us. We have to believe that that remains somewhere though it may temporarily be lost in the bleeding wounds of fresh grief. If nothing else, please do this one thing...let Little Bug's legacy be one of love and hope and peace.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

No mercy here

Because I am apparently incapable of doing ANYTHING right...I have been here for two freaking days with NO progress induced. A discussion of "options" is forthcoming according to nurse Jessica.

Fantastic!

And an honest note to Baby #5 (though probably not entirely deserved)...you didn't stick around...you died...so get the fuck out and let me go back to my life, ok? This isn't your space anymore...so quit invading it and just leave.

Thursday, April 08, 2010

Goodbye Little Bug

"Unfortunately, honey, the baby is no longer alive.". -Ultrasound doctor

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

More than me

I try to tell myself I am other things, besides pregnant. Mom. Wife. Attorney. Friend. Volunteer.

I tell myself I will still be those things if/when this pregnancy ends. I have a rich life...filled with love and happiness and...life. It doesn't all rest on the outcome of this biological function called gestation. What will be, will be...and I will still be me.

But I can't quite get there.

IT is always there.

Mom...how will I tell the boys?
Wife...how will Steve cope...again?
Attorney...you want me to concentrate on this when there is so much else that is important?
Friend...I am incapable of being a good friend right now.
Volunteer...I'm TRYING...but I just can't concentrate on what you need from me.

Always...just...pregnant.

Always...just...preparing for the end.

The fear and anxiety have kicked in during the last two days. No surprise there. Springtime sunshine. Holiday weekend. 19 weeks. Ultrasound on Thursday morning. Expectations that it all ought to crash down around my ears within the next week or so. And if, by chance, it survives past this point...there is always May to slog through.

Tears swirl the letters on the screen and my hands shake as I type this...certain it is already over. I was certain yesterday too...but the doppler proved me wrong (I need to start carrying that thing in my purse).

I am not sure I can do this.

I know I've done it once before.

But I'm still not sure I can do this.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Perfect Moments

It's supposed to be Perfect Moment Monday. And I'm supposed to post a picture. But my camera and I have been working on Animal Protective League business and haven't snapped even a simple shot of the boys lately (a fact for which they are extremely happy...I think they think I take too many pictures of them). I've been having a lot of "perfect moments" lately...just haven't taken a photograph of them.

Walking into the house after a long day of volunteering and having Sam and Myles run the length of the house toward me with smiles on their faces and their little arms outstretched for long-overdue hugs.

Driving up the driveway after work, seeing horses in the pasture, Steve on the porch, one little boy wearing his bicycle helmet and pretending to ride his skateboard, another littler boy swinging a plastic golf club around like a samurai sword.

Walking out of the grocery store seeing Sam in the passenger seat and Myles on Steve's lap in the driver's seat of our little blue minivan. Steve rolls down the window and they all smile and wave and say, "Hi mommy!"

These moments all seem so perfect.

It's funny because there was a time when I was convinced there would never be perfect moments again. And somehow, despite what/who is missing, it is enough. It is perfect in its own regard. There is no looking back.

But there IS nervous looking forward. Do I dare tempt fate? Do I dare to think that somehow that these moments are not YET perfect? That they can be even better? It is a strange place to be.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Mommy ouch???

The other day I was using my doppler and Myles kept insisting, "Choo-choo...choo-choo." There was something that stopped me from saying the word baby. I don't know why. But today I just jumped right in with both feet when he gave me the opening...

Myles(spying my belly stretch marks): "Mommy...ouch? hurt?"

Me: "Nope, no ouch. You know why my belly looks like that?"

Myles: "Why?"

Me: "There's a baby in there."

Myles(eyes wide in disbelief): "No."

A few minutes later...

Me: "Myles tell Sam about Mommy's belly."

Myles: "No."

Sam: "Myles is there a baby in Mommy's belly?"

Myles(hesitantly): "Uh-huh."

A few minutes later...

Me: "Myles tell Daddy about Mommy's belly."

Myles(enthusiastically): "Baby!"

There's no turning back now. *gulp*

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Things I do not understand today

People who try to use an eighteen-inch skillet to cook a three-egg omelette.

We have a dishwasher, yet the kitchen sink is always full of dirty dishes.

My husband "cooked" eighteen eggs, and yet I still have nothing to eat for dinner.

Why people stress when someone verbally threatens to sue them.

Crocheting is so easy but knitting is so difficult.

How to let "I'm sorry" fix anything.

How anyone could want to live in Pittsburgh.

Reconciling wanting another baby with, "Oh my hell...now I'll have to take care of FOUR other people."

Second grade homework.

The fact that after five pregnancies together, my husband still doesn't understand the urgency of the pregnancy food craving.

The trackball on my Blackberry.

Absurd

I just got off the phone with a (new) client who clearly does not value my opinion or advice, when I got a call from another client who asked me to be a presenter at a conference. Some days I worry about getting whiplash in this job.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Exactly

"Don't let your fears about tomorrow steal your joys of today."

Nella's grandpa, Enjoying the Small Things

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Dear Grandma

I thought of you today when I saw these...

And I realize I must be getting to be more like you...because I LOVE them!

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Happy 5th Birthday Thomas

Today I remember Thomas by participating in Random Acts of Kindness Day.

Much love and peace go out to Kristin and Sandy today. May Thomas' birthday be gentle on you both. And may all the Random Acts being done today in Thomas' name echo your love across time and space.

Monday, March 08, 2010

Sometimes parenting is tough

As I've talked about before, Sam has had some trouble focusing in school. He is...over-social.

OK...stop laughing now.

As I've talked about before, we have struggled with how to deal with this in an effective way. He gets all A's...generally A+'s...so it's not that he can't do the work. It's that he talks and talks and talks (I WONDER where he gets it from).

I told you to stop laughing.

We have tried various systems of privileges/rewards/punishments that, quite simply, haven't worked. He is quite content to lose TV, computer, or videogames...he just plays with other toys or goes outside and digs holes in the dirt. He isn't bothered too much by losing special activities like soccer or Cub Scouts. He just finds something else to occupy his time. Try as we might, he just didn't seem to have what Dr. Phil calls, his valuable currency. That one thing that is worth something...worth shaping up for.

I'm happy to announce that, by pure luck, I think we found it. It's US! The kid doesn't want to miss out on ANY time with the rest of the family. So dealing with that currency...every time he doesn't get his work done at school he loses a half hour off his bedtime. I think he was actually at a 7:30pm bedtime when he finally realized we were serious and he WAS missing out (we're now back to 9:30 thanks to a full week of completed work last week). I can honestly say that I am relieved. And I only hesitantly put this out there....because you know, as is the nature with kids, it'll probably change next week.

In the interest of consistency necessary for good parenting (or so the experts say), we are still hanging on to the prior non-working systems as reinforcers of the idea that school is VERY important. Don't get your work done...lost TV, computer, videogames, soccer, baseball, Cub Scouts, etc. And the resulting fallout from that IS teaching lessons...but it is sometimes SO difficult to see through as the parent.

See, he'd lost Cub Scouts so often that he hadn't been to a meeting in MONTHS...so long that they threatened to not renew his membership for next year. When his Den leader called about his membership lapsing, he snapped right to attention and has now earned back attendance at Cub Scouts for the last two weeks in a row. BUT...during his absence, he missed the sign-ups for the pinewood derby (that was held Saturday).

He cried.

I told him he had made the choices that led to this...it had all been up to him and he had done it all himself. Besides, there wasn't anything I could do about it even if I wanted to. He stopped crying and went on with his day.

And then I cried.

I KNOW it's a lesson he needs to learn about responsibility and blah, blah, blah. But I also know how much fun he had last year and how much fun he would have had this year.

*sigh*

Hopefully next year will be better.

*fingers crossed*

Blog housecleaning

----------------------------------
I've decided, on advice from friends, that I don't have to put up with anonymous rude comments on my blog space. I wouldn't put up with it in person, so I'm not going to put up with it here. So...anonymous comments are now off.
----------------------------------
I did want to answer one question...why would I put myself through another pregnancy if I am going to be miserable the entire time?

1. I'm not miserable. Scared...yes. No...terrified that I'm going to bury another child. I found the experience of standing at my child's gravesite, looking at his coffin, to be the worst of my life (times two). That doesn't mean I'm miserable. It just means I have life experiences that color my perceptions. And they don't just go away because I wish them away (believe me, I've tried).

I know there is a lot of crazy associated with my current views of pregnancy and childbirth. I fully recognize that some of it is completely and totally batshit crazy. But completely denying feelings, no matter how crazy, isn't healthy. So the crazy comes here. My co-workers, friends, and family thank you for the sacrifice you make by reading about it.

2. This was not a planned pregnancy. But when I discovered I was pregnant, I couldn't help but smile and feel excited at the prospect of adding to our family. There is considerable risk and the potential for much heartache. But there is also potential for considerable joy. And THAT is why I am surviving another pregnancy...that potential joy.

You may not have made the same decision and that is a choice you are entitled to make for yourself. Faced with this unexpected opportunity...I choose to try. That doesn't mean I can join in the happy dance that generally surrounds the pregnancy experience. I will question my own sanity. I will be sad and angry and jealous some days. In fact, some days I may have to crawl just to keep moving. Some days, when that potential joy is clouded out by fear and anxiety, I may even have to rely on the kindness of my friends to push me forward by reminding me that it is out there.

But it IS out there.

So that's why.
----------------------------------
I still maintain that a high risk OB practice is NOT the place for a nurse to gush about how her own five pregnancies made her feel "so healthy and strong." It's just...callous. But I didn't embarass her by pointing it out. In fact, I didn't say anything. I didn't yell or cry or anything "miserable." I smiled and nodded the way you're supposed to do in polite company. And then I came here and expressed my disbelief at the callousness.

Another day at the office filled with easy chit-chat for her. Another appointment during which I could find out my baby is dead for me. Not miserable...just disappointed because I expect a little more empathy from someone involved with my care in that particular setting.
----------------------------------
My blog started out as a place to just talk nonsense. And I would have LOVED for it to stay that way. But it became my place to get the crazy out. To put it somewhere where people might recoil in horror...but at least I didn't have to see it. My place to be honest without fear of judgments or easy answers being tossed out. And, for the most part, people have been relatively good about respecting my space. But, as in life, there is always that one person who needs to step in and stir things up. I don't know why.

I will never understand what compels someone to leave confrontational comments (anonymous or otherwise). I have always subscribed to the philosophy that if I don't know you, you probably don't really care what I have to say. Further, if I do know you, you probably don't want to be publicly kicked in the ass on a blog forum. So if I don't have anything nice to say, I just don't say it. It's too bad not everyone learned that lesson.
----------------------------------

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Could not believe it

Just when I thought I had heard all the insensitive conversations one can have with a deadbabymama, I encounter another...

Today the incessantly (and irritatingly) perky older nurse at Dr.A's office told me all about how much she LOVED being pregnant...because she "felt so healthy and strong."

You'll be glad to know I didn't knock her teeth out the way I really wanted to.

Still fine

Heartrate 150bpm :o)

Next appointment in two weeks...will try not to freak out again before then...but have permission to call or email if I do.

Still fine

Mom's ok.
We're ok.
Lots of snow...had a snow day on Friday.
The Olympics are over and Sam is happy because he, "won't have to watch random curling events anymore."
A stray cat with extra toes on the front paws showed up at our door the other night and Steve said, "Absolutely not." So...we took it to the APL to find it a new home.
Pants getting too tight because I'm eating too much.
Husband still not listening to me when I speak. Thinking of communicating with him solely through facebook.
First post-freakout appointment today.
Fun times.
I miss random curling events being on TV.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

We're all FINE

My mom. She is too much sometimes. She was admitted to the hospital today for chest pains and will have a heart cath tomorrow morning. She's "FINE!" She ate dinner before she called me. And she wanted to know how WE'RE doing. Uh...nobody here is in the hospital, so we're doing FINE, mom. But I guess we have a LITTLE higher standard than you.

Fine! Really?!?!

LOL!

Love you!

Second (& third) child syndrome

I don't remember when I first felt Myles move in my belly. I even looked in the archives of this blog to see if I'd even made a notation...and I can't find one. I realize I've taken about 1/2 as many photos of him as I did his brother (though I have to say the quality is SO much better). Poor kid's baby book...well...at least I bought one (on the way to the hospital), right?

So in an effort to be a better record-keeper, and in an effort to NOT freak out again like I did last week, I'm recording in this space that I felt the baby move yesterday...a lot. I've felt my own body's reaction to what must be movement for the last week or so. But this was the first time I thought, "THAT was baby."

Of course today is a whole other story. I THINK I've felt Little Bug a time or two...but it's definitaly not like it was yesterday (not freaking out, not freaking out, not freaking out).

Maybe I'll work on Myles' baby book today.

***I don't know when I first felt Alex or Travis move either...but I try not to compare those pregnancies. Living baby to living baby are the only comparisons I feel comfortable with. I KNOW it's irrational...but there ya have it.***

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Monday, February 22, 2010

Lazy weekend

We decided to take it easy this weekend...after the insanity of sewing a groundhog puppet on Thursday evening (which, by the way, did very well in class thank you very much...two points to ME). Our big outing was Saturday when we went to Erie with the specific purpose of visiting Wegman's grocery store so that I could get veggie spring roll (I also got this really yummy butternut squash and spinach salad that I may try to replicate in my own kitchen). Sam was happy because we took him to Game Stop and let him get a new Star Wars DSi game. Myles was happy because we bought him a big box of diapers (we REALLY need to start seriously working on the potty-training thing).

OK...so you're thinking, "This is the most boring blog post EVER." But...

Look what else I bought...

Yes...it seems my emotional pendulum swings pretty far both directions these days. Don't question the insanity.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

The creation of a groundhog



An actual groundhog...

Our "artistic interpretation" of a groundhog...
It really needed a longer snout, but our limited sewing skills caused us to hesitate in even attempting it.
(I think he likes it.)

So...time to move?

Northern Ohio is a pretty miserable place to live.

At least according to Forbes.com.

The Web site today released its third annual list of ''America's Most Miserable Cities.''

Cleveland topped the rankings, and four other Ohio cities made the list: Canton, ninth; Akron, 12th; Toledo, 15th; and Youngstown, 18th.

Forbes.com based the rankings on its ''Misery Measure,'' which analyzed unemployment rates, taxes, commute times, violent crime, weather, Superfund pollution sites, public corruption and how pro sports teams have fared over the past two years.
Ohio.com article

Forbes.com article

The surreal life

--------------------------------------------
So today is the day of embarrassment. The day when I realize how out of control I really was. I'm not THAT woman. I don't get irrational or lose control like that. How in the world am I going to look my doctor in the face at my next appointment (which will be in TWO weeks, come hell or high water)?

I seem to not have mentioned that I did all of my freaking out without telling my husband...because he had a job interview and I didn't want to ruin it.

Yeah.

I KNOW.

Insanity apparently came knocking and I invited her in for tea.
--------------------------------------------
In other "how surreal is your life" news...I will be spending this afternoon/evening with Samuel...sewing a groundhog hand puppet. Here's hoping we both make it out alive. Pictures WILL follow.

And no, I am NOT joking. The teacher thought it would be a good idea for the kids to do "creative art projects" to go with their ten-sentence groundhog research papers. A classmate, E, brought in a cake with (rice krispie) groundhogs popping out of burrows on top (complete with green coconut for the surrounding grass). When I asked Sam how much of that cake he honestly though E did, he replied, "Zero percent." Imagine his surprise when I told him that the groundhog puppet will be HIS project, one hundred percent...I have enough of my own stuff to do. Poor kid of mine.
--------------------------------------------

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I'm normal

First...so as not to bury the lead...Little Bug is still alive.

The nurse said I can come in every week if need be...at which time I sobbed.

I had what was possibly the longest cant-find-the-heartbeat-with-the-damn-doppler session EVER...during which I cried but did not sob.

Waited what-seemed-like-forever-but-was-really-two-minutes for Dr. A to come do an ultrsound...sobbed again when asked how I was doing.

Took a little too long to find the little booger with the ultrasound (I couldn't look at first)...but s/he was there...heart beating away. Dr. A used the u/s doppler so I could hear it...just to reassure me that it was really there and doing ok.

I must have apologized 20 times. He said it was ok...I can come in every week if I have to. He said that in most normal pregnancies, there is a honeymoon period where you don't "feel pregnant." We had a sick laugh at that. Normal. Me? Well I guess there is a first time for everything, huh?

And then I was that woman again...walking through the waiting room with red rimmed eyes. But this time it was all ok.

How did I become this person? Never mind...I know how it happened. Giant mindfuck is the PERFECT description. Maybe I should add that as a label for these types of crazy blog posts.

Thanks

I sit here in the parking garage...contemplating the possible ways this could turn out.

"Go to the doctor."

It's just not that easy.

Giving in to madness won't provide me any lasting answers...only feed into more madness. Yes, I'll know if baby is still alive at that moment in the doctor's office...but that means NOTHING to me. I had an ultrasound only a few days before Travis died. There he was...all wiggly and cute. Four days later...dead. Short of bringing an ultrasound machine home, I'm not going to feel as though I have any "answers" (I wish I were friends with Tom Cruise right about now).

And it doesn't matter really. If it's dead, it's dead. If it's not...well...yay! That doesn't mean it won't be dead tomorrow...or the next day...or the day after that. My going to my doctor for constant (false) reassurance isn't going to make it any better. It can't change what's going to happen at this stage. Maybe later...if/when viability is an issue...but it will accomplish nothing right now. So I'm choosing to try the Zen approach (which isn't really working all that well, in case you hadn't figured that out). If I weren't pregnant, I'd drink. Ha! Maybe that should be my reason to call the doctor! The possibility of wine if it all goes to shit!

It's a bit like watching a train versus car accident unfold in front of you, isn't it? There is absolutely NOTHING you can do but stare in horror and hope the car moves out of the way in time. Maybe it'll make it...maybe it won't.

"This is one of those times where sitting on the porch together in Niagara would be so great." Indeed.

*deep breath*

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Crafty people...help?

Add another thing to the list of things I just LOVE about second grade.

I need an easy pattern for Sam to make a stuffed groundhog by Friday.

Any ideas?

Dead Baby Thoughts - real and ugly

In the darkness of the middle of the night I wonder how I will break their hearts...again. Will they still love me? Will they even see me anymore? or will there only be broken bits left to see?

You see, I don't dream of cute little baby clothes or warm baby snuggles or toothless baby grins. I have nightmares about what clothes to bury another baby in...cold kisses on dead cheeks...and toothless mouths that only hang silently open.

That is, I dream about those things...
...when I'm not convinced that the baby has already died and I will have to face an invasive (and painful) medical procedure to right the wrongs done by my own body.
...when I'm not already planning how to tell everyone. My husband. My boys. My mother and father. The people I work with. The people I volunteer with. The people here who have been so kind and supportive. I just don't know that I have it in me to "tell everyone" again.

I have felt too good for the last four days. In fact, when I saw the baby on the office ultrasound last Wednesday, I somehow felt like something was wrong. Saying hello felt like saying goodbye (I'm sure it doesn't take a genius to figure out how emotional an ultrasound can be after it's been used on you to diagnose both healthy and dead babies).

So yeah...feeling good has caused me a complete mental and emotional break. How unfair is that? It's all just mushed up in my brain into a big pile of crap that ALL feels wrong.

I ordered a doppler that I'm completely convinced I will not need. Can I return it for a refund if it is unopened?

I can't go to the doctor because the last time I went to see a doctor because something felt "not right"...well...we named him Travis...and I am now, quite obviously, a coward who is completely and totally afraid to face that. Because it wouldn't be that old familiar pain that I know I can deal with. It would be fresh new pain. And, quite frankly, I'm not sure I'm equipped to handle any more.

So I google "12 week miscarriage" and try to find some peace. It is what it is, right? At least I won't have to bury this one.

And I can't NOT go to the doctor because I sit and think and analyze. Not tired. No nausea. No more belly bloat. Don't have to pee six times a night. A few remaining symptoms can certainly be explained by the fact that my stupid body obviously doesn't recognize that the baby is dead and hasn't stopped producing all those hormones (that, ironically, were supposed to help keep the baby alive). I have to know.

Maybe tomorrow.

Here's hoping the nightmares hold off tonight...even though I'm not really expecting them to.

Friday, February 12, 2010

He is THAT kid

Second grade is hereby recorded as the grade where my kid went to the Valentine's Day class party without valentines. He has candy to share...just no valentines.

Apparently, my buying Power Rangers valentines (because he LOVES Power Rangers) and asking about the party...oh...a gazillion times...wasn't enough to inspire him to participate.

I just HOPE that there wasn't a take-home note asking me to provide anything for this party. I know I never received one. But because my son can't even recall whether he got such a note, the fact that I didn't receive one doesn't mean a whole heck of a lot.

I may not survive second grade.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Me did it

--------------------------------------
I had a realization this morning, when the house was quiet and I was contemplating the snowy day ahead...I haven't been sharing things here because I'm suffering from what amounts to survivor guilt. I have two lovely living children, but I have friends who don't...so I feel guilty sharing stories about my children. It is difficult to stash the guilt away so that it doesn't affect the way I feel about my own children...or at least the pride and joy I feel in/for/about them. I'm going to make an effort to change this state of mind. So I apologize in advance if I go overboard with the cutesy kid stories.
--------------------------------------
Myles has started, this past week, to find pride in his own accomplishments. He does something all by himself, puts both arms in the air, and exclaims, "Me did it!" It is one of the cutest things I have ever seen in my life.
--------------------------------------
Sam got his much-wished-for snow day today. He played video games, watched tv, and is now...reading a book! Sure, it's a book about Star Wars...but it's still a book!
--------------------------------------
Little Bug is still doing ok. I got another ultrasound picture but I'm entirely too lazy to scan it in and post it.
--------------------------------------

Monday, February 08, 2010

Happy Birthday to me!

Today is my official birthday, but I have been celebrating all weekend already. Saturday, my parents watched the kids so Steve and I could go out to see New Moon (no snarky comments, please) and have Outback Steakhouse for dinner. It was WONDERFUL!

My parents also got me this pregnancy pillow as a birthday present. It is lovely and I can't thank them enough.

This morning I got kisses and birthday wishes from my boys. Sam even blew me a kiss from the door of the school as he was going in.

I have received birthday wishes from friends all over the world (thank you facebook).

There is the promise of a chocolate-y dessert at the office.

I received these from my boys...

I'm thinking I can scam takeout for my official birthday dinner.

It's a pretty good day. I hope yours is good as well.
--------------------------------------
Baby update as requested : Everything is good. Baby measured 9w5d at 9w2d. Heartbeat was 169. Another appointment tomorrow morning (2/9).

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Day by day

I was all hyped about this blogging thing. And then I got sick and tired (yes, mom, feel free to insert your own mom-joke here). And it all sort of fell apart. So...let's give this another try...shall we?

I'm forgetting things...missing deadlines...committing to tasks that I know darn well I can't complete. My house is disgusting (we just took our Christmas tree down yesterday, if that tells you anything). And speaking of Christmas, I STILL haven't sent my sister and her husband their gifts. Basically, things are going great around here and I'm coping SO WELL.

Meh...I can't really complain (except for...maybe...my overuse of "..." in my boring blog posts).

Warning: Random boring crap to follow...

Sam got an identical postcard to the one he's received for the previous two grading periods. He still needs to work on handwriting and staying on task. Since Steve and I still have to work on handwriting, I'm not stressing too much about that. And the staying on task...well...we're at the point where there isn't much else we can do. This morning he wanted to wear shorts to school because he couldn't find clean pants. Did I mention it's about 26 degrees and snowing outside?

Myles is going through that two-year-old explosion of vocabulary that is exciting and frustrating all at the same time. There are words he says quite clearly and words he seems to have made up for his own use. He REFUSES to say "Sam" and instead calls his brother, "Mosh." I personally have tried to work on it and I have no idea how these things are supposed to progress...so I'm just waiting to see what happens. The long and short of it is that we can't always understand him and he melts down. Two years old is hard on all of us.

Steve's 42-inch television broke about three weeks ago. It took a week to get a repair guy out to verify it was, in fact, broken (AND we had to take time off work in order to meet the guy at our house). The repair guy couldn't repair it right then...even though he knew what was wrong with it...because he had to order the parts in order to get paid under the warranty. The parts never arrived (in fact, there is some question as to whether they ever even shipped). We paid $250 for a warranty, but it wasn't the "Black Tie" warranty...so we just had to wait. Yesterday, I think the company just got tired of Steve pestering them with phone calls and gave him a code for a new television. But since we didn't pay for delivery the first time, we have to drag the broken television to the store and pick up the new television ourselves. Who provides such stellar service? Best Buy. All I have to say is...never again.

Today is Mexican Fiesta Lunch at the office (in honor of the boss being gone to Mexico for three weeks). I'm REALLY hungry thinking about it. Other than that, there ain't much to tell about me. My job is still here for now...though I am actively looking elsewhere now that the situation has gotten so much worse here. It's looking like we will be the second county in Ohio to enter fiscal emergency (which will result in what is essentially state control). There are 88 counties...so it's not really a positive distinction. I was feeling like it was time for a change anyway...so I'm choosing to look at this as a positive step FOR ME.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Dear Dr. A.

---------------------------------------
Dr. A:
Your office tells me they can’t get me in to see you until February 3rd at 1pm. Is it ok to wait that long?
(This is karma, right. Basket-cases should never be allowed to get the flu and cancel appointments.)
Thanks.
---------------------------------------
Hi, Cathy,
Let me see what I can do to get you in next week...
Ben
---------------------------------------
Appointment January 27th at 11am.
---------------------------------------

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Zen and the art of...whatever

Between worrying and...well...worrying, I just don't have time for anything productive (like blogging). I'm TRYING not to dwell. I didn't even freak out on the receptionist who re-scheduled my flu-cancelled OB appointment for February 3rd. Nor did I freak out when the pharmacy told me they are out of stock of my Lovenox and I will have to pick up my refill tomorrow (and have a delayed injection as a result). I've really been holding it together pretty well.

But ever since a friend went in for her first ultrasound last week (at about 8 weeks) and found a 5-week gestational sac with no baby...it's not been easy.

I keep telling myself that whatever will be...will be. But honestly, that isn't making the knot between my shoulders go away.
------------------------------------
The Christmas stuff is still up at my house and I haven't sent my sister and her husband their Christmas presents.

God, I suck.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Who plans this stuff???

My son's school is scheduled to be demolished immediately after a new one is built directly behind it. For a lot of reasons (not the least of which is the atrocious parking lot that holds only 30 cars), this is a really good idea.

But this...this was not a good idea...
That would be the heavy construction equipment they decided to deliver today right at 8:30am...school drop-off time...when parents are trying to get their children safely into school and get themselves to wherever they need to be. See how that thing is blocking any possibility of a right turn...the right turn necessary to get me to my work? Yeah...I was just THRILLED. It's not like we live in the city and I can just turn left and go around the block!

Oh...and see that spot where they're trying to back that thing into? That's one-third of the parking lot...completely blocked off now for construction purposes (and thus leaving room for only 20 cars).

This is going to be VERY interesting.

And after dealing with all of this headache for the next three years...Sam's probably never even going to see the inside of that new school.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Bad day

Today I had BAD chocolate cake. As in, horrible, nasty, yucky, wouldn't even eat a second piece.

Pretty much sums up my day.

Doctor appointment Wednesday...not sleeping well...

Saturday, January 09, 2010

Weekends Off

Taking time on the weekends to rest is a good idea. So I'm going to do it and not force myself to blog. I guess we'll call it a modification to my New Years blogging resolution, instead of a failure. :o)

Friday, January 08, 2010

Postponed due to lack of interest

This week I spent trying to plan an open house for the APL...for the second week in a row. It was supposed to happen last week but I was sick and nobody did anything for it. As soon as I emailed, "Let's postpone to next weekend," I could almost hear a collective sigh of relief.

So this weekend was supposed to be the date...until it started snowing (and kept snowing) and we decided to postpone for yet another week (of course, now that we've postponed again, it has stopped snowing and tomorrow will probably be perfect).

Anyway...the thought was to keep it simple, but maintain the momentum we gained over the holidays by keeping our name "out in the public." Tours of the adoption center, educational handouts, light refreshments, maybe a giveaway or two...simple. Everyone seemed in favor of it when we floated the idea. But now it seems like nobody has the time or energy or interest...and I don't mind saying I'm getting a bit discouraged.

So...any thoughts on how to motivate people? More specifically, how do you motivate people who are good with ideas but short on action?

Thursday, January 07, 2010

Testing

Testing Blackberry text blogging. Not preferred due to character limits...but good for short and sweet messages...should I decide to post those. :o)

2nd grade homework

My son had to write a little 2nd grade research paper about one of Ohio's "official" symbols (five sentences). He chose the rock song, Hang on Sloopy. We did a little research online (thank you Wikipedia) and discovered that Hang on Sloopy was made Ohio's official rock song in 1985 by this bit of rather unusual legislation.
HOUSE CONCURRENT RESOLUTION NO. 16
WHEREAS, The members of the 116th General Assembly of Ohio wish to recognize the rock song "Hang On Sloopy" as the official rock song of the great State of Ohio; and

WHEREAS, In 1965, an Ohio-based rock group known as the McCoys reached the top of the national record charts with "Hang On Sloopy," composed by Bert Russell and Wes Farrell, and that same year, John Tagenhorst, then an arranger for the Ohio State University Marching Band, created the band's now-famous arrangement of "Sloopy," first performed at the Ohio State-Illinois football game on October 9, 1965; and

WHEREAS, Rock music has become an integral part of American culture, having attained a degree of acceptance no one would have thought possible twenty years ago; and

WHEREAS, Adoption of "Hang On Sloopy" as the official rock song of Ohio is in no way intended to supplant "Beautiful Ohio" as the official state song, but would serve as a companion piece to that old chestnut; and

WHEREAS, If fans of jazz, country-and-western, classical, Hawaiian and polka music think those styles also should be recognized by the state, then by golly, they can push their own resolution just like we're doing; and

WHEREAS, "Hang On Sloopy" is of particular relevance to members of the Baby Boom Generation, who were once dismissed as a bunch of long-haired, crazy kids, but who now are old enough and vote in sufficient numbers to be taken quite seriously; and

WHEREAS, Adoption of this resolution will not take too long, cost the state anything, or affect the quality of life in this state to any appreciable degree, and if we in the legislature just go ahead and pass the darn thing, we can get on with more important stuff; and

WHEREAS, Sloopy lives in a very bad part of town, and everybody, yeah, tries to put my Sloopy down; and

WHEREAS, Sloopy, I don't care what your daddy do, 'cause you know, Sloopy girl, I'm in love with you; therefore be it Resolved, That we, the members of the 116th General Assembly of Ohio, in adopting this Resolution, name "Hang On Sloopy" as the official rock song of the State of Ohio; and be it further Resolved, That the Legislative Clerk of the House of Representatives transmit duly authenticated copies of this Resolution to the news media of Ohio.

Who says politicians don't have a sense of humor?

The whiskey wouldn't have stained

Note how Captain Rex refuses to walk in the center of the frame?
Perhaps it's his guilt over knocking over and breaking a perfectly good bottle of Chianti and staining my kitchen floor a lovely shade of purple!

Welcome to the world baby Julie Mae!

mb went and had another baby girl!

Julie Mae arrived safely at 2:30pm weighing in at 6lbs 3.5ozs

Congratulations to the entire family!

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

SOOO lucky

I find it amusing that, "Dr. A. doesn't have any open appointments next week,"...

until I tell them I've emailed with him and he ASKED me to schedule next week...

and they ask WHY he would instruct me to do that...

and I tell them I've had two stillbirths...

and there is that slight gasp and mumbled, "I'm sorry,"...

and then there is magically an appointment available Wednesday morning at 11am...

and the scheduler says, "That was very lucky."

I mean, really, could I make this stuff up???

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Doppler?

I know it's premature but I thought I'd ask anyway...

Anyone have a doppler that I can borrow?

Thanks!

Monday, January 04, 2010

Perfect Moment Monday

No Christmas cards from us

We didn't send out Christmas cards this year and I didn't feel particularly sad about it. Oh, maybe a couple gave a little twinge of sadness...but generally I wasn't all that affected. And then today I read this!

Yep...I think this is my problem. Instead of a few heartfelt messages, I've started to feel like I "have to" send out some sort of mass mailing (according to a list of who "should" receive a Christmas card from us).

So this year, I'm going to do something about this. I'm going to try to send out honest-to-goodness handwritten notes to friends this year...whenever the mood strikes...before the feeling of Christmas obligation hits. This is going to be fun!

(Guess I should start by sending my sister and her husband their Christmas gifts.)

2009 in review

The post where I take the first line from the first post of each month and bore you with them AGAIN. Don't you just hate re-runs?

It was fun to look back a little bit and see what I was up to. Maybe I didn't accomplish all that I wanted to accomplish in 2009...but I did do some good stuff. And it feels now like it was a good year. I guess that's really all a girl can ask for.

2009 in review

January: There are four pictures of me at Christmas. (I don't think I did any better during Christmas of 09...guess I'll just have to live with the curse of being the one to always take the pictures and not be in them).

February: Both of our mares are premarin rescues, so this organization holds a very special place in my heart. (Not actually the first line...but the first line was just a quote from somewhere else.)

March: The lovely Meg revealed herself as my Secret Pal for the SP13 swap with this fabulous package! (I haven't seen an SP since...I wonder if they're coming back.)

April: (Rachel) I love the books you sent! (I still haven't read them though.)

May: The Fisher Price Stride to Ride Walker I bought Sam in 2002 was discontinued in 2006 and is now considered collectible. (This is happening to me a lot more often and it is a bit disconcerting.)

June: I have this ongoing environmental case involving a schizophrenic man in his late 50s/early 60s. (Thanks to the kindness of his friends, this case was wrapped up in 2009 and no longer poses a health risk to this gentleman or anyone else.)

July: It all started with my saying, "I need a serger," and Shinny offering to give me one. (The great Cedar Point adventure! We absolutely MUST get together again! Any ideas when or where?)

August: Pets Alive is an amazing rescue that has helped my APL tremendously this past month. (Still a good rescue, though I have some questions about their decision-making...but that's a story for another day.)

September: Arthur is the nice customer service rep at my insurance company who informed me, while Sam was wheezing in my other ear, that my retail limit has been reached and I am supposed to refill "maintenance medications" through the mail and not at retail stores...in order to "maximize benefits." (This was actually my second post for September...my first was a perfect moment photo without text...and was, quite honestly, a much better post.)

October: Me: Just how old do you think I am? (Not actually the first post of the month...but the first post was just a link and a little quote from somewhere else.)

November: I forgot to pay a couple bills. (Story of my life.)

December: So yeah...we went to Niagra Falls. (Seriously...we did it! And we MUST do it again!)

See ya 2009! Bring on 2010!

Sunday, January 03, 2010

well-meaning (new) friends

There is a whole group of people in my life right now who don't know about Alex or Travis or "before." And, more importantly, I'm trying really hard NOT to tell them because it's nice not having to see "the look" from any of them. But then I get a well-meaning email and I find it very hard to just "let it go."

I heard today that you are expecting a third angel. Your kids are dear. I also have 3, as did my mom and her mom too...so 3 is magic. God has smiled on you. love kd

I'm not going to ask what I should do. But I will ask...what would you do? Let it slide? Say something?

Saturday, January 02, 2010

Build A Bear

The machine was a bit loud, but it didn't deter Sam too much...

Myles, however, was terrified...

Ultimately, though, I think both customers left happy...

Friday, January 01, 2010

My own personal 365 project

I will endeavor to post something here every single day this year. Insightful, thoughtful, photographs, silly, stupid, mundane...nothing is off limits. Don't you just want to keep reading now?!?!?!

I'm hoping this goes better than other pledged posting ideas.

I only made it to 30 good causes last year. Out of 52! Blah! I stink.

I tried several times to follow Perfect Moment Monday, Whiskers on Wednesday, Dogs on Thursday, Photo Friday...and I just didn't follow through.

But this concept...I can post whatever as long as I post...I think I can do this. Less pressure. Of course, I AM going to have trouble thinking in complete sentences again. I've become accustomed to 140 characters or less (thank you, Twitter). And maybe I'll even drag out my camera and actually take photos like I WANT to do.

Ah, who am I kidding, it probably won't work either.

Here's to broken New Year's resolutions!

Thursday, December 31, 2009

You had to be there

Me: (handing over empty take-out salad container) "That was awful."

Steve: "Your pie?"

Me: "What kind of pie has lettuce and cabbage and carrots?"

Steve: "A really terrible pie."

Jumping in with both feet

So I find out I'm pregnant, get sick, and immediately lose my mind. It's just a sinus infection. Granted, it's the worst sinus infection I've ever had...because I can't take a damn thing for it...but it's not like I have the plague or anything. But the thoughts still creep in.

~I'm so sick, surely this pregnancy is doomed.
~I'm putting myself through the ringer not taking antibiotics and it's all so silly because this pregnancy is doomed.
~How will I un-tell everyone when this doomed pregnancy meets its untimely end?
~Baby's probably already dead anyway.

Yeah...you get the idea.

And I know it's me...it's totally me. I'm a complete freakshow. I can't just be normal...think normal...feel normal.

My OB had the best line...

Hang tight, try not to despair, and I'll see you soon.

Seriously...try not to despair. That is PERFECT! That is EXACTLY the kind of thing someone should say to someone like me after "congratulations." Don't try to be cute or hopeful or positive...just call it like it is...

Try not to despair.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Long time, no post

~Work update...I think this email pretty well sums it up...

"Does anyone have a Hewlett Packer printer cartridge 15-X for an HP LaserJet 1200 B &W printer that I could borrow until I receive a new budget appropriation in 2010? If I don’t need it by then, I’ll return it to you unopened."

Yeah...that is how bad it is.

But I'm still taking two weeks off to care for the boys while they are on their vacation(s).

~The car broke down. We still owe $3000 on it...and now we have to have a whole new engine put in it to the tune of $2600. Money we do not have...again. Thank goodness we still have a LITTLE bit of credit. *sigh*

~The big kid continues to not get his work done in school. I asked him the other day how many people get 110% on their practice tests and he said, "Me and maybe a couple other kids." I am convinced he is just not being challenged.

~Myles is great...always sniffling or coughing from the latest creeping crud he's bringing home from daycare. We had absolutely NO idea what to get him for Christmas until yesterday. We even considered going to Best Buy and offering a couple bucks for a refrigerator box. I mean, really, he'd LOVE it! But we found some things while aimlessly wandering in Toys R Us...Hopefully he'll like them.

~There is other family drama, but it's not my story to tell. So I'm just going to say I hope the love will get through and inspire someone to get better.

~We had a small holiday party for the APL at the house. It was fun. My house got cleaned. Yay me!

~Oh yeah...I got a positive home pregnancy test on Christmas Eve Eve. EDD is 8/28. I don't know how much I'll be blogging. Probably more as I get more freaked out. (sorry Shanna...I am in a state of shock. I told Steve, then my family, and then we posted on Facebook. It was the easiest way to go to avoid having to talk about it just yet.)

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Sometimes they amaze me

----------------------------------------
Sam and I had a deal. He could buy $10 worth of books from the book order and I would give him $10 to buy books at the book fair. We talked and he asked for a couple more dollars for the book fair so he could buy "a couple extra books." I love books...I love owning books...reading and re-reading. So naturally, I sent him with a few extra dollars to the book fair ($15). He came home with one $4 book, a plastic pointer with a rubber hand/finger on the end, and four pencils. *sigh*
----------------------------------------
Myles was standing on tiptoes, stretching to reach something just beyond his grasp.

I said, "Myles, you're too short baby."

"Huh?"

"You're too short...you need to grow."

"Grow?"

"You need to grow...get taller."

"Oh"

He ran out of the room for about 30 seconds and reappeared with the stepstool...set it down...stepped up on it...and voila. Smart kid.
----------------------------------------
Sam continues to struggle with keeping his mouth shut during school. He repeatedly comes home with work he did not finish...because he was talking.
----------------------------------------
Myles is talking. It seems he may have been talking all along...I just haven't been paying attention. His pronunciation is terrible except for a few regularly-used words, but he really makes sense if you know what you're hearing. And now that I'm clued in, we can work on making the words sound better.
----------------------------------------

Friday, December 04, 2009

Went to Niagra Falls and all I got was...

So yeah...we went to Niagra Falls. God, what is wrong with me? I can't write in a more timely manner? I think I'm beginning to see where my son gets his poor work habits...

Anyway...

Niagra Falls. If you are a facebook friend then you probably were able to piece it all together. If not...the highlights...

Bought socks.

Drove through PA, stopping at Wegman's for carryout sushi for lunch. Wasabi! (A reference for Sam who enjoys that silly I Survived A Japanese Game Show)

New York.

Found the Buffalo airport and located the beautiful Kathy McC's luggage without incident.

Drove around looking for an ATM because neither Kathy or I knew if our ATM cards would work in the ATM machines in Canada. What? So we're new at this international travel business.

Toured the University of Buffalo...or Buffalo State...I can't remember. Nice campus. No ATM to be found.

Drove across the rainbow bridge and laughed like loons (come to think of it...there was quite a bit of loony-like laughing during the weekend). "Isn't the rainbow bridge where your dead pets go?" It was funny at the time...guess you had to be there.

Met the most uptight border patrol crossing guard. Kathy said he was an ass. I tend to agree. He asked us how we knew each other and I SO wanted to say, "We've never met before...we've just talked over the internet...and we're following the directions given to us by another person we've only ever talked to over the internet." But since I didn't think Kathy wanted to visit Guantanamo Bay, I just said we were friends.

Saw a GIANT Hershey's kiss that kinda looked like a flying saucer...and laughed like loons.

Through a series of hilarious misunderstandings, ended up in the wrong house. Watched the Star Wars meets 700 Club episode of SouthPark.

Found the correct house with the help of the landlord. Called Ann and Jen laughing hysterically...they thought we'd been drinking. I was kinda afraid they might change their minds at this point and not show up...we were kinda scary. But they did, and we all went for a walk in Niagra Falls...on "the hill." My advice...stay away from the hill. It's like the Vegas strip with the neon lights and loud music and wax museums and freak shows...only it's on a hill. Very unpleasant.

Had dinner at the Cockhouse. Kathy McC exhibited her stellar reading skills here and transformed the Cookhouse into something seedy. But since they had crappy food and even crappier drinks, seedy works for them. Plus, there was this weird guy staring during the meal...so this establishment earned its name. And since it makes us giggle every time we say it, Cockhouse works for us.

After that it was pretty much a blur of good conversation, these amazing cookie dough truffles made by msfitzita (who sent them along even though she sadly was not able to make it...how awesome is she?!?!), wine, and relaxation.

There was (some of this I real-time tweeted) an Elvis Costello look-alike at dinner one night, FABULOUS apple martinis, wax museums, pork jerky, Cher, mullets and poutine.

There was afternoon naptime.

There was learning of the AWESOME habit of rinsing with vodka (which more than one of us have since tried, I'm sure).

There was Wayne Gretzky wine and an insanely overcrowded Christmas shop.

There was the LOUD sound of the falls on the front porch at night...and the helicopter buzzing overhead during the day.

There was the overly-friendly guy on the roof of Cash For Gold.

There was a lovely winery and a hat that "just wasn't meant to be."

There was authentic military simulation and the old lady at the pharmacy who knew EXACTLY where the nearest liquor store was.

Two words that should never be together...let alone foods that should be served together...Sushi BBQ.

There were weird dreams of strangers breaking in in the middle of the night...and checking to make sure they hadn't stolen the wine (a girl has to have priorities).

There was a lovely Perkins breakfast.

There was Kathy McC's fancy iPhone getting us un-lost after visiting THE most crowded outlet mall EVER.

And, of course, who can forget...fudge, fudge, FUDGE!?!?!

Yeah...Niagra Falls is WEIRD. But I had an amazing time getting to visit with the ladies from the blogosphere. We shared some laughs that felt really good. But more than that, I really felt free to be me...in a way I haven't felt since May 11, 2005.

(Yes, this post requires a picture. So here we are...the only group shot of the weekend I think. And yes, I stole it from Kathy...thanks Kath!)

Despite our appearance in this photo, we had a good time. In fact, we had such a good time, I would like it to become a yearly tradition. Or at least try it one more time.

Who else is in?

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

*giggle*

After more than 50 years at Cleveland Metroparks Zoo, the 400-pound tortoise named Mary finally revealed that "she" is actually a "he."

Humor in the strangest places

Just read the BEST review of Sarah Palin's book, Going Rogue, on Amazon.com.

Ain't afraid of no Vietcong king, November 17, 2009
By Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States)

There are many kinds of truth. There are truths based on facts, truths based on faith, and truths based on something that sounds as if it should be true (truthiness). Then there's the kind of truth we find in Sarah's book: stories and concepts that become truths simply because she states them. She's a lot like our Lord and Savior, Glen Beck, in that respect.

Sometimes, she states truths that would be considered ludicrous if uttered by someone else. Her claim that the McCain campaign forced her to spend $150,000 in RNC funds to dress her family in designer clothes is one example of that. Although it might be easier to believe that she acted like a trailer park Zsa Zsa who'd found a credit card left behind at a possum feed, she blames McCain staffers. That's good enough for us, because we have faith; we want to believe her truths.

But the book isn't perfect. As much as I enjoyed the few short paragraphs in which Mrs Palin laid out her policy objectives, she could have condensed it all into one sentence: "I'm going to grab an Oxo Good Grips Stainless Serving Spatula and go all mavericky on your non-white, non-Christian and non-heterosexual butts."

The book also fails to expose Mrs. Palin's intellectual brilliance and keen grasp of foreign policy issues. Why wasn't the text of her recent speech in Hong Kong included? Although it remains secret, it's rumored that she viciously rebuked the Vietcong king for his assault on the Empire State Building. That's a speech we've been waiting for nearly 75 years to hear. It's big news and should have been included.

As you read other reviews of this book, please remember that Mrs. Palin has many enemies who are eager to pan her work. The Palin family's most potent nemesis, Levi's johnston, is no dpubt fully erect and ready to spew globs of misfortune upon them for a third time. And reason-adoring intellectuals are certain to point out that an interview on Good Morning Topeka doesn't qualify as a policy summit in the Far East.

But a few bad reviews won't stop her. She's seen much worse from her kitchen window. It can't be pleasant to gaze upon Antichristograd every morning as you brew your coffee.

My review isn't complete, but I think I'll quit anyway, because writing reviews, like governing, is just too darned hard to finish.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Hi!

Tomorrow I'm going to meet some fellow blogging deadbabymamas.

I'm not exaggerating when I say that I owe my sanity to these ladies.

And while such a get together may have been sad and depressing just a couple short years ago...tonight it feels like it's just going to be fun...and good...and right...and oh-my-god-why-didn't-we-do-this-sooner?

I have a feeling I'm going to embarass myself.

Monday, November 09, 2009

What a difference a year makes

Tonight was parent-teacher conferences and I am happy to say that there were NO surprises. We have been fully informed of Sam's progress every week and we already know what his strengths and weaknesses are. THIS is what it should be like.

I mentioned our concerns about the vast amount of work they are doing in class and the teacher agreed that "we have a lot of expectations of second graders these days"...and SHE'S not entirely sure they are all age-appropriate. She said there's nothing to worry about at this stage if Sam's not getting it all done every day. She said that she understands Sam has a desire to be the class clown that interferes with his ability to perform...and she's working on it with him.

We survived two years of really BAD teachers and have reached the promised land!

Yay!

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

This would be funny...if...

So a client (and friend) walks into my office this afternoon and hands me a sheet with the login information for his caringbridge site.

(This would be the place for the punchline if this were a joke.)

"I thought you knew."

I didn't.

I have seen cancer ravage the healthiest of individuals...people I love. Some are still living with cancer...but they are not the same as before. Some...well...I can't even say it. Not now. Not with the same breath as I speak Nathan's name.

I told him that some day it will be funny...

Remember the way you told me you had cancer? hahaha

Some day it WILL be funny.

Right?

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Money Money Money

I forgot to pay a couple bills.
One company wanted to charge me $14.95 to pay a credit card bill over the phone.
One company (that happens to be a client...how's that for irony?) threatened to turn off our water.
One company threatened to turn us over to collections...for $40.
One company DID turn us over to collections...for $60 (electric company bill I refuse to pay).
The eye doctor wanted money for my new glasses.
The prescription insurance company wants their $20 for Sam's medication.
I just got notice that our insurance is going to cost more but provide less coverage.
The bank has raised our mortgage payment...twice...in the last six months.
We still owe the petsitter for a weekend job they did for us two months ago.
I owe my office manager $5 for the boss's day gift she got.
I owe the lady down the hall $2.

It's really all about money, isn't it?

Everyone I know is in this very large boat that feels like it could sink straight to the bottom at any moment. The cell phone contract would cost us $$$ to terminate. The TV contract would cost us $$$ to terminate. We can't stop paying for the water or the electric or the cars or the house. The government wants their money for the education they so-expensively provided me.

Underneath it all...I'm unhappy in my job. I don't dig ditches or anything that's really HARD work. I work my brain...sorting out legal squabbles...solving problems. I keep telling myself that the intangible benefits make it worth while. But then I pay bills and think how stupid I'm being. This just isn't what I want.

I could design crochet patterns. I could sew. I could do a zillion things in this world. My girlfriend is a photographer. I would LOVE to be a photographer. A wedding photographer, actually. I studied videography in college and, though it's not exactly the same, it provides a base of knowledge. And now that I know how my fancy camera works, I could really do it.

But...then there's the money...

Where do you find inspiration when you're getting older and you have responsibilities? Where do you find the courage to just go for it? How do you chuck self-doubt and try to make your dreams a reality? Or is there a point in life when it's just too late to even try? Is there an age when you just have to settle for what you've got?

Monday, October 26, 2009

65 pages

My son brought home his schoolwork from last week.

All 65 pages of it.

Is this second grade or college?!?!

Friday, October 23, 2009

Sentimentality run amok

I can honestly see how sentimentality can lead to hoarding. In fact, I think I may have some weird "lite" version of this problem (which probably explains all the clutter in my house). Today I went to the local jeweler to trade-in some gold jewelry that I don't wear.

A herringbone chain that pulls the hairs on the back of my neck. A pair of gold hoops that were bent out of shape. A claddagh ring that has cut my finger with its sharp little crown on more than one occasion.

Despite the fact that I haven't worn any of it for all these reasons, there is a part of me that found it so difficult to walk out the door. The chain was a gift from my then-boyfriend-now-husband. The hoops were a Christmas gift from my sister that I wore all the time until they were damaged. The claddagh ring was a gift from my mom.

I KNOW the memories don't disappear with the sale of these pieces. I KNOW these people won't be insulted if I sell these pieces. I KNOW all this. But still I feel guilty and a little sad.

I think I can take consolation in the repairs I'm having done to OTHER jewelry...the pearl ring I bought with my first "real" paycheck...the black hills gold heart ring that was the first piece of jewelry Steve ever bought me...the gold chain Steve got me (last Christmas) for my boys' birthstone charms. But then I wonder about the irrationality of attaching the memories to those things too.

Sometimes I wish I could turn my brain off.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Dogs on Thursday

After being thoroughly embarassed when friends and family noticed dog-hair tumbleweeds in my house, I decided it was time to do some grooming. This is just from ONE dog...and we have eight. Your imagination can do the rest...

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Whiskers on Wednesday

Creativity

My husband said something really irritating the other day.

He said, "You're at your happiest when you are being creative."

And now I can't stop thinking about it because he's right and I, (a) hate it when he's right; and (b) wonder what happened to me that he has to point it out for me to see it.

The blogs I read...all creative. Sewing...cooking...scrapbooking...photography. ONE lawyer blog in my entire blogroll of 262 blogs (and I only read that one because she rarely talks law, is an awesome mom, and she tells the best kid stories).

I've been unhappy in my chosen career for a while now. I thought I'd get over it. I kept telling myself that the intangible benefits were worth it. Now, because of my irritating husband, I'm not so sure.

So now what? Is it too early for a midlife crisis at 37?

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Back to basics

The.Best.Chicken.Salad.Ever.
Chicken
Mayo
Fresh Cilantro
Rosemary
Pecans
Craisins

Not.Too.Bad.Tuna.Salad
Tuna
Miracle Whip
Fresh Parsley
Celery
Green Onion
Paprika

Baby shower tomorrow at work. I figure if the food is good I won't be able to negatively obsess. Right?

Monday, October 19, 2009

Perfect Moment Monday

Growing pains - a parental perspective

The first few years is easy. Keep them alive. Well...maybe not EASY but at least there is a clear directive and we generally have the skills to manage it (aside from any wonky biological factors that may unexpectedly screw with us). And you go along for a few years and you think you're doing soooo well...

And then they grow up and turn into real little people with little uncontrollable personalities.

And then you get the pleasure of the day the kindergarten teacher ambushes you with the news that your child "is making bad choices about which behaviors to imitate"...

or the first grade teacher shares the news that your child is "spending a lot of time out in the hall for excessive talking"...

or the second grade teacher sends home the weekly report that your child is "orally commenting on other students' incorrect answers."

And what do you do with that? The baby thing is EASY compared to this! You wipe a snotty nose. You give Tylenol for a fever. You're sure to try new foods slowly to keep an eye out for allergic reactions. But this...you have no idea what to do with this.

So you ground the kid. And then he flips out one day at after school pick-up time...and refuses to leave...because he "is NOT getting grounded again." And you think you're being too harsh, so you tell him he can earn his privileges back by making it through a day without talking (getting all his work done). And then he doesn't even make it one day and you begin to wonder...what the hell?!?!?!

And then people start with the analysis and the helpful suggestions and you want to scream...DO YOU REALLY THINK I'M NOT SMART ENOUGH TO HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT?!?! And then you calm down and realize they're just trying to be helpful and, really, your child IS the one who is misbehaving...and you're posting blog posts where every sentence starts with "and"...so maybe they're justified in thinking you ARE that stupid.

*sigh*

The American Academy of Pediatrics book only goes through age 5! There is no resource for when your kid is scary smart and you worry that maybe he's smarter than you (or maybe there are and I'm just not looking in the right bookstore). The teacher suggests a book...Discipline Without Stress, Punishments or Rewards. I read a few pages and I call bullshit. "A more effective approach than consequences is the use of contingencies." Seriously? Bribery? That's the best ya got, doc? Guess what...it's just semantics. He can earn his privileges if he just behaves for ONE FREAKING DAY. I know he CAN do it...he's done it before. But honestly...I'm not going to hold my breath (and no, I didn't tell him that...I was all, "yay, rah, you can do it!").

I did like this quote from the teacher's book though..."Stress is directly related to perceiving the world as manageable or unmanageable." Ya think?!?! Maybe I should send the good doctor my blog to read. But I digress...

Positivity and choice are GREAT concepts. But how about for the child that consistently makes the wrong choices? All this choice crap does is leave him (and his mother) feeling like a failure. And isn't that just great fodder for therapy later in life?

Parent-Teacher conferences aren't until the second week of November but I'm afraid I'm not going to last that long. See, I know my child. Surprising, but true. He has always enjoyed being the center of attention. Even more, he loves making the crowd laugh. While this may serve him well in a future career as a stand-up comedian, it's not really a great personality for second grade. And while I do want him to be respectful of other people and be mindful of classroom rules, I don't want to extinguish that spark of individuality he has.

I spent SO many years being afraid of the rules...being "the good girl"...that becoming an adult has been somewhat painful. It's been a difficult accepting that not everyone is watching me, sizing me up, judging my behavior against some mysterious standard of acceptability. I don't want that for my son.

And there is a part of me that resents that I have to worry about this. I mean, I've got enough on my plate keeping these boys entertained enough that they don't seriously maim one another in the evenings...where is the teacher for that? Can I call her and get her help? Nope. We're on our own. So how are we responsible for his classroom behavior? Shouldn't that be...I don't know...HER job to manage? To teach him more than 2+2...to teach him social skills and the rules of appropriate behavior for the classroom (and someday, hopefully, the work environment)?

Yes...I KNOW I need to reinforce the lessons taught in class. And I DO! I swear! This isn't one of those I'm-a-terrible-parent posts. Because I'm doing a pretty damn good job and I'm not so concerned with that. I just need ideas to GET THROUGH to my son...to impress upon him the importance of good behavior without crushing his spirit.

I beginning to think that they don't tell you this stuff deliberately. Because if they told you about this...if that AAP book went beyond age 5...everybody would be too scared to ever have babies.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Perfect Moment Monday

After a week of gloomy rain, the sun came out on Saturday and it was a perfect day for my baby brother's outdoor wedding. There were, of course, the normal glitches and family embarassments (and even a few non-normal family embarassments). And to make it even more fun, my friend (the professional photographer) came out from Phoenix to capture the day in photos. Snark times two...that was us...and it was great! Yes, yes, there ARE stories to share and as soon as I have a couple minutes to get them in writing, I will. Promise.

All in all, it was a lovely day and I'm so thrilled for the happy couple.

Congratulations Matthew & Shannon!

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Whiskers on Wednesday

October = awareness month

Pregnancy Infant Loss
Breast Cancer
Celiac
Sudden Cardiac Arrest
Niemann-Pick Disease
Liver
Healthy Lung
Orthodontic Health
Down Syndrome
Brain Injury
Spina Bifida
Energy
Disability
Cyber Security
Domestic Violence
AIDS
Child Abuse
Hispanic Heritage
Jazz
Alcohol
Disability Employment
Psoriasis
Rett Syndrome
Vegetarian
Halloween Safety (which wouldn't really make sense in any other month, would it?)
Crime Prevention
Book
Reading Group
Dental Hygiene
Gay & Lesbian History
Head Start
Diversity
Better Speech and Hearing
German American Heritage
Polish American Heritage
Chiropractic
Animal Safety and Protection
Women's Small Business
Physical Therapy
Photographer Appreciation
Pharmacy
Auto Battery Safety
Positive Attitude (I'm out)

Electric company insanity

Let's start with the first story...

Our electric company has turned us over to collections for $60 of electricity that we never used and therefore refuse to pay for.

See, we have this barn. It costs us approximately $3 a month (never more than $5 a month) to operate the lights in that barn. A few months ago we received an "estimated" bill for $30 for the barn. I thought it would even itself out the next month when we got an "actual" reading on our meter. Nope.

The next month we got an actual reading and a bill for an additional $30. We called and were told that they had changed their policy and all "accessory structures" are now charged a minimum flat fee of $30/month. Our notice of this change? Reportedly sent in our bill...which we don't get anymore because we do e-billing. So I refuse to pay and they have now turned us over to collections.

Now there is this from the same company...

To help customers use energy more efficiently, we’re delivering two compact fluorescent light bulbs (CFLs) to the homes of residential customers of FirstEnergy’s Ohio operating companies -- Ohio Edison Company, The Cleveland Electric Illuminating Company, and Toledo Edison Company. These types of bulbs use up to 75 percent less electricity than incandescent bulbs and can last 10 times longer -- contributing to significant money and energy savings over the life of the bulb.

and this hidden in FAQs on their website...
Q. Will I be charged for these?
You will not see a separate charge for these bulbs on your bill. This CFL program is part of a larger energy efficiency program that is being mandated by state law. As part of this law, the utility is able to recover the costs of these programs through customer rates over a period of several years. However, the impact on your bill for this program will be minimal.


Now let's never mind the fact that I have accident-prone dogs, cats and kids in my home...and I do NOT want mercury-filled lightbulbs anywhere near them.

And let's never mind that I'm already ticked off by this company.

But REALLY?!?! Something seems...I don't know...off. Public utilities can now send you stuff you didn't order and hide the charges on your regular bill?!?! REALLY?!?!

Sunday, October 04, 2009

Age is but a state of mind

-----------------------------
Me: Just how old do you think I am?

Sam: 56?
-----------------------------
Sam: Mommy, did you have indoor toilets back in the old days?
-----------------------------

Friday, October 02, 2009

#41 way to change the world

Foundation Beyond Belief: Humanity at Work

It's time to make visible our values and our efforts to improve our one and only life. Thanks for being a part of it.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

#40 way to change the world

Help my friend Sherri in her Light the Night Walk efforts. This is a very personal cause for her and I want to help her achieve her goal of $150.

Picture day(s)

Sam had not one, but TWO bloody noses before school today...picture day. We have no first grade picture because Sam was sick last year on both picture day AND re-take day. So I guess the bloody nose picture is better than nothing. Right?
------------------------
Myles came home with his daycare picture yesterday. In his daycare picture he is wearing clothes that aren't his. Not because he had soiled his own clothes in any way...but apparently because someone at the daycare determined that his own clothes weren't appropriate/cute enough for picture-taking. Should I be insulted?
------------------------
My friend who is a professional photographer is coming out from Phoenix to photograph my brother's wedding next Saturday (10/10). I haven't seen her since our group trip to Virginia Beach a few years ago. I'm so excited!
------------------------
I'm already slacking on the photo blogging despite my resolving to do better. Story of my life.
------------------------

Mom

My mom insisted on living independently. She wanted to live in the two-story house she and my dad built in the 70s, despite the fact that da...