Tuesday, April 06, 2010

More than me

I try to tell myself I am other things, besides pregnant. Mom. Wife. Attorney. Friend. Volunteer.

I tell myself I will still be those things if/when this pregnancy ends. I have a rich life...filled with love and happiness and...life. It doesn't all rest on the outcome of this biological function called gestation. What will be, will be...and I will still be me.

But I can't quite get there.

IT is always there.

Mom...how will I tell the boys?
Wife...how will Steve cope...again?
Attorney...you want me to concentrate on this when there is so much else that is important?
Friend...I am incapable of being a good friend right now.
Volunteer...I'm TRYING...but I just can't concentrate on what you need from me.

Always...just...pregnant.

Always...just...preparing for the end.

The fear and anxiety have kicked in during the last two days. No surprise there. Springtime sunshine. Holiday weekend. 19 weeks. Ultrasound on Thursday morning. Expectations that it all ought to crash down around my ears within the next week or so. And if, by chance, it survives past this point...there is always May to slog through.

Tears swirl the letters on the screen and my hands shake as I type this...certain it is already over. I was certain yesterday too...but the doppler proved me wrong (I need to start carrying that thing in my purse).

I am not sure I can do this.

I know I've done it once before.

But I'm still not sure I can do this.

13 comments:

Choofy Mama said...

thoughts and prayers as always. i have hoped so much that subsequent pregnancies after loss are somehow magical easier, we earn back our innocence or at least 1% of it or something. I know that's a laughable joke though :/ Gone forever, *sigh*

Hang in there. Are you finding out gender?

Jillian said...

So much I would like to say to you but the fact is you are going to be scared witless as long as you can just hang in there, you will get back the rich, full life you have built around you. Before this: you lost two sons, birthed an amazing living son and after it all - you rebuilt your life with what you had lying around your feet. No matter what, THAT is what you will do again. One foot after the other, one brick on top of the other. You clawed your way back because that is what you do and who you are. Knowing that, you are free to freak out on the journey you are on, right? I do hope you find some peace and strength to carry you through to the end of this pregnancy and that some days aren't such a fight ((hugs))

marcia said...

((hugs))

Pipsylou said...

You CAN do this, and you will.

Just thinking about you tonight, actually, and I'm sending prayers your way.

Thanks for your honesty. I know I will be going through this, albeit in different ways, with my next pregnancy.

I will be EXPECTING birth defects.

It just sucks.

I'm sorry, Catherine.

NOT sorry the doppler proved you wrong, though. :)

you ever read Eckart Tolle's "a new earth"? I don't agree with much of it, but the idea of rising above all of the people and things we attach ourselves to in order to find happiness resonates with me. I think you'd like it.

kate said...

***insert supportive comment here***

Ya, i got nothing. I think i got through my sub pg's by reading trashy books. Have you read the 'True Blood' series? GOLD, i tell you.

Rosepetal said...

You can do it, it's not easy but you can do it. I'm hoping for the best on Thursday morning. Panic attacks are allowed. Runs to the hospital are allowed. Tears are allowed. Shaky hands are allowed.((hugs))

three minute palaver said...

I'm thinking of you for Thurs and sending all my positive thoughts you way.

Vannessa said...

Ditto what Jillian said. {{BIG HUGS}}

Kathy McC said...

Oh, honey...I wish I could come over and give you a huge hug and sit with you. Maybe take you shopping or go ATM hunting. ;-)

Sub pregnancies suck. No doubt about it. I will be thinking about you and sending love on Thursday.

(((hugs)))

serenity said...

Wrapping my arms around you in a great big virtual hug.

xxx

Shanna said...

Hugs my dear friend. Keep telling yourself, so far so good, as that is really all you can do until "she" gets here. Yes, I am still determined that you will have a girl, cause you know, misery loves company and a 2 year old girl will sure make you appreciate your boys. ;) Love ya and if you ever need me I know what road to take to get to you.

Beruriah said...

I keep telling myself if there's a next time, it will be better. But who knows. You're already on the ride, so just close your eyes and hold on tight. You're at least halfway there. That and all the things Rosepetal said. It's just inevitable some days will be sucky and terrifying. My thoughts are with you.

Holley said...

Just lots of hugs.